Newspapers / Fayetteville State University Student … / Dec. 1, 2012, edition 1 / Page 9
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Why? No, I’m dead seri ous. Why, lisa? Why fail in love with Rick? He’s a massive, MASSIVE profi teer who, sure, used to be all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns but the Nazis brainwashed the unicorns and there ain’t no more sunshine or rainbows. Ilsa and Rick had met in Paris (of course) but she had neglected the small de tail of her being married. Um, yeah Ilsa...Whether your husband is a less cool version of Solid Snake or not, and death being im minent in the case of be ing a freedom fighter, TELL the man you’re spend ing days and sleeping in the same bed with that you’re married.[Glances at DVD case and tosses it] So, they had met in Paris as I said and spent days, weeks with each other... then Ilsa gets a letter from some doctor that her hus band is wounded but alive. Buuuuuut, she and Bogey Boy had agreed to meet at a train station and run off to gether. She stands him up. Alright. Alright. There is of ficially ONE likeable char acter in this film now - Bo gey is too much a dillhole, Ilsa is an indecisive, flighty woman who should have left those indecisions back in grade school, Lazio is too wooden to care about. Who does that leave? Why Claude Rains of course! 1 know I griped about him being a double agent, but honestly he is the one character with the most personality in the entirety of the film. Yes he’s a slimy conman who turns coat as often as Jack Sparrow, BUT he is quite funny. He has personality. PERSONALITY! This is a major element the other mains do not have! Seri ously, he has the best lines in the film and it is difficult to not cheer for him even though he would technical ly be considered a villain. Back with Bogey and the block of wood; Bogey tells him to hit the bricks which causes Ilsa to have to ninja her way up into his boudoir a bit later, with a revolver, demanding the passes. Bogeyman caves and agrees to hand Madame Dull the passes to Amu- rica, but she and the block of wood have to come back later to meet with him .... Buuuuuuut first. Rains and Bogey agree to entrap Laszio, but only if Ilsa can go free. Now, that is all sunflowers and jellybeans but does the audience care? Like with Laszio him self, there is no real pathos for if anything happens to Ilsa. She has no personal ity and hence gives us no reason to care if anything terrible happens to her. She is as one-dimensional as it gets. Bogey convinc es Laszio and Bergman to come to the club, with an eager Rains waiting in the wings to pounce on the freedom fighter. Ummmm, guys...IT’S A TRAP! Bogey and Rains appear to spring the trap, but Bogey flips on Rains and demands that the mar ried couple be permitted to fly safely out of the coun try without any hindrance. TOO LITTLE TOO LATE, BOGEY!! Trying to be the hero now is too late. Throughout the film, Lazio and Ilsa had been paint ing Bogey as this pseudo freedom fighter himself; helping the little guy and fighting the good fight. But you never would have guessed that by the way he was behaving. They arrive at the airport and we have our meme mo ment. The most famous and most quoted series of lines from this entire movie; “We’ll always have Paris”, “If you don’t get on that plane you’ll regret it. Maybe not today but soon and for the rest of your life” and “Here’s looking at you, kid,” says Bogey striving to attain pathos from the au dience but fails miserably. Perhaps 1 am cynically jaded, but none of those quotes resonate any sort of tangible empathy for the characters. I mean, I am supposed to be sorrow/ful that Ilsa and Rick are nev er gonna see each other again, and cheer for Rick as he does something heroic for a change but I honestly just don’t care. They waited an hour and ten minutes to give Rick any vestige of hu manity, wherein he actually did something to prove he is heroic, and not merely a massive, MASSIVE chud. Ilsa and Lazio get on the airplane, as Rick holds the TRUE hero of the film at gunpoint. When I root for Claude Rains and want him to get his own sequel to this broken mess of a film, that is FAILING at establishing the desired effect of a hero. The Nazis arrive after the plane has taken off and...I have gotta say that this scene is pretty awesome. The lieutenant of the battal ion stationed at ‘Blanca ar rives and demands to know where Lazio is and why he is not in custody. Bogey Bogeys his best Bogey and snarks his way into getting a gun pulled on him. Rains tosses Bogey his pistol and the ‘hero’ of this flick FINALLY demonstrates some heroism by shooting the lieutenant. The gunshot alerts the remnant of the troops, who arrive shortly and get the massive sur prise of their lives when they find their leader dead. “Round up the usual sus pects”. Rains defends Bogey and the duo walk off into the sunset while the soldiers stupidly don’t suspect Rick having com mitted first-degree murder. While I may be bashing on this film, I honestly do enjoy it. Sure, there are stupid bits which could be rectified in ten seconds. I consider this to be a guilty pleasure film. That is, I en joy it but I certainly am fully aware there is much wrong with it. When the most in teresting and sympathetic character in the film is one of the main villains that is a severe problem. But, it is time to reeeeeeeel this in and finish up this review. This has been Le Snarky Libertarian; liberating cin ematic minds everywhere!
Fayetteville State University Student Newspaper
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Dec. 1, 2012, edition 1
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