Page Two - COUGAR CRY- March 29.1988
Editorial Spring Musical -
^ . Anything Goes
Killer Brainworms ^
Comprehensive final math exams
are not murder to this English
Major, it’s the two days of straight
studying prior to it that’s the killer.
After packing and cramming an
entire quarter’s worth of math into
my mind in just 48 hours, I tell ya I
was just dead! The party responsi
ble: brainworms!
These vicious creatures are the
third leading cause of death to all
collifge students, trailing only cafe
teria food and insufficient con
sumption of quality alcohol. These
brain decomposing varmints im
pose suffering that makes squeez
ing your head in a vice seem like a
pleasurable alternative. I just wish
I had one.
The worms launched their attack
on my vulnerable, appetizing mind
like the hamburger crazed Wimpy-
from Popeye-stampeding toward a
Big IVIac truck. A collision was
sure to ensue. The pests weaved
their way in and out, and up and
over the vast land of connective
mountainous tissue that had be
come their playground of free food.
They intended to torture me as
long and as slowly as possible. I
began to feel loose portions of
decomposed brain rattle against
my skull. My battle-grounded head
dangled to the side from the weight
of the million fat worms in my left
brain hemisphere. These creatures
of death were preying. 1 was too!
I was helpless from their power
ful bite. I had to make a high grade
on this final exam to earn transfer
credit. This was an obligating mis
sion 1 was determined to see through
until the bitter end. It was a peri
lous quest to journey from the deep
water I was in, over those insur
mountable waves which would in
variably set my course to land in
the calm, tranquil world of low
C’s. To do this my small weakened
vessel would have to penetrate a
tidal wave final with clear sailing.
I would have to have a near perfect
test. A grade so high. I’d seen the
number only once in my lifetime
struggles with math. That was the
day the teacher wrote 100% on the
board. Getting this grade would be
next to impossible and beside of
improbable. Yet I had to give it a
go. That or submit my half eaten
brain to futher damage of the diet
of worms in an entree course next
quarter.
I dug deep into my trenches pre
paring to fight the last great war
between my brain and this foreign
language of math. I called up all
the troops from their cells. I locked
the door to my room, making sure
my math book couldn’t escape. 1
tapped into the uneaten, right por
tion of my mind where my creative
resources live to ensure a produc
tive study session. But none was
home. I had then to rely strictly on
my motivational incentive to mus
ter up every ounce of discipline I
didn’t have to my name. 1 lost track
of all other responsibilities. Pri
marily sleep. Tediously I poured over
the text, and in no time at all
(about 4 seconds) I found myself
burnt out from my fractional pro
portion of interest, the lost of
numerical values, decimalized inte
gers of negative connotations, geo
metric diagonals with x amount of
sides, and a lot of other stuff I’ve
forgotten again.
The devouring group of worms
were taking their toll. Still like a
warrior I pressed on. Through the
deafening cries of four million
swollen, throbbing, bloody blood
vessels in my eyes screaming for me
to lower their shades. Paralysis
had set in. I ordered my legs to
move, but they would not respond.
My stomach’s incessant begging
for nourishment was keeping neigh
bors awake. My bladder was the
size of the Goodyear Blimp. My
parched tongue and crisply crack
ling throat seemed to indicate that
thirsting to death was no longer
a possibility, but a dry splash of
reality. As another solid chunk of
my brain fell to the base of my
skull, I faintly heard its last words:
“Matt, whydon’t youtakea break!
You’ve been working hard, you’ve
got an entire night left to study,
you’re beginning to understand this
stuff, you’ve got some fresh, home
made lasagna in the fridge . .
So I did.
When I returned, several hours
later 1 picked up right where 1 left
off; second column of page two in
chapter one. I proceeded to blaze
through the other nine chapters
and before I knew it, 8 a.m. had
arrived. The moment of truth was
here. I went to get in my car, and
some lady in a full length night
gown with bright pink curlers ran
out of the house screeching that it
was her car I was in. She not so
kindly pointed me in the direction
ofmycarnextdoor,and Istumbled
that way. A shock of revelation hit
me (knocking me over) as I disco
vered that these must be the same
worms that cause disorientation in
drunk people. I followed the signs
to get to school, and then followed
two zombie looking characters to
my math class. They looked ter
rible.
I seated myself coincidentally
between two smart M.F.’s (mathe
matical fanatics) who I thought
might enjoy my lively spirit. They
tossed my sleeping head back and
fofth from each of their shoulders
until it was time to begin. I breezed
through my test, finishing around
midnight. The brainworms had by
this time completely consumed
their ‘brain food’ and started a
march towards my spinal column.
Fearing immediate death, I called
myself an ambulance and was rush
ed to Wilkes General where I was
pronounced B.D.O.A.(Braindead
on arrival). The worms had victim
ized yet one more innocent stander-
by.
Six days later, I looked at myself
in the bathroom mirror - because I
woke up in the bathroom - and
noticed a slight trace of improve
ment. My skin was now only light
blue, and I was able to lift my chin
from its indentured hole in my
chest. The worms had vanished for
now, and my brain began its slow
process of regrowth. Knowing I
had successfully completed my
voyage to the land of low C’s facili
tated its progress.
Around finals time every quar
ter these destructive brainworms
expose themselves, and many stu
dents who are unaware of their
danger die a harsh, cruel, suffering
death. I was lucky! The other 42.7
million are not. Only one thing
may curb this terrible onslaught of
college students. Teachers, by can
celing finals can prevent these
abominable worms from infiltrat
ing the vulnerable minds of stu
dents who are in search of a danger-
free education. Failure to do this,
will result in the continual rage of
catastrophic casualties, and we will
eventually be faced with extinc
tion. Better yet, teachers could
cancel all tests, from which brain
worms are hatched. The chances of
this occuring are at best slim, and it
will take nothing less than an act of
Congress'to initiate a law that will
rid us of this massive epidemic. But
Congress is still suffering from the
brainworms that were inflicted upon
them by their teachers, who got
them from their teachers, and so
on from generation to generation.
I guess we’ll be trapped in the tradi
tional concept of torturous educa
tion until a cure is found. Some
body did suggest staying caught up
with the material, and studying a
little each day to be prepared for
the final without having to cram a
quarter into two days. Gah! What
a severe case of brainworms that
guy had!
ANYTHING GOES isanamus-
ing story wrapped about the magi
cal score of Cole Porter that starts
at the New York sailing of the
Ocean Greyhound “America” bound
for England. The Wilkes Com-
munity-College Symphony and the
College Theatre present this musi
cal comedy hit, directed by David
Reynolds, for your enjoyment on
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday,
April 22, 23, and 24 at the John A.
Walker Community Center in
Wilkesboro. The Friday and Sat
urday shows will be at 8:00 p.m.
and the Sunday show will be a
matinee at 2:00 p.m. Tickets are
$9.00 for regular adult admission
and $8.00 for students, senior citi
zens and the handicapped and are
on sale now at the box office
Monday-Friday from 9:00-5:00.
Telephone reservations are accepted
if charged to VISA or MasterCard
and mail orders by personal check
or credit card. Call (919)667-0319
for reservations or information.
This is entertainment for the
entire family with lots of dancing
and a great musical score that
includes “Friendship,” “I Get A
Kick Out of You,” Anything Goes,”
“Let’s Misbehave,” and “Blow,
Gabriel, Blow,” “It’s Delovely,”
and “All Through the Night.”
The play’s characters include
“Reno Sweeny,” famed evangelist
(Elaine Mulholland), with her four
“Angels” (“Purity”: Midge
Reynolds, “Chastity”: Linda Go-
rich, “Charity”: Rebecca Brown,
and “Virtue”: Carol Cushwa). There
is a love interest, of course, between
“Hope Harcourt” (Nicole Walsh)
and “Billy Crocker” (J. Kevin Isen-
hour), a stowaway by accident,
who is on his way up in the Wall
Street world. He meets his boss
“J.B. Whitney” (Mike Hanville),
who is not too pleased at finding
him absent from the office. There
is another celebrity sailing, but
very much under wraps, “Moon-
face Martin”(Harry Galifianakis),
a onetime ship’s gambler, who has
branched out to a point at which he
is designated, ‘Public Enemy 13.’
“Billy” has just five and a half
days to win “Hope.” Her mother
(Suzy Kerley), is dead set on “Sir
Evelyn,” the baronet (Jim Brooks)
for her daughter. The ship’s offic
ers search the ship fora man who is
the occupant of the gangster’s cabin,
and “Billy” has to resort to varied
disguises, that include“Moonface”
and himself as Chinese converts.
Othercharacters are being played
by Felicia Waugh, Kent Reeve,
Sam Sebastian, Greg Daniels, Jane
Gulden, Steve Roten, Steve Critz,
Tammy Anderson, Natalie Dob
bins, and Leigh Critz.
Passengers, sailors, and dancers
include Sam Sebastian, Jane
Gulden, Britt Vestal, Merritt Gali
fianakis, Melissa Mulholland,
Michael Bangle, Grant Caudill,
Brad Caudill, Dawn Barker, and
Julie Hamby.
Music director is Jerry Bangle
with piano accompaniment by
Louise Hanville. The scenery de
signer is David Latham and light
ing designer is Xo™ Tommlinson.
Stage manager is Nancy Huffman
and Kim Frye, choreographer.
CRUISE SHIP SUNDAY
BUFFET
Sunday, April 24at 12:30 before
the play at 2:00 p.m. there will be a
Cruise Ship Buffet in the lobby of
the Walker Center. The cost is
$8.00 for adults and $5.00 for
children under 12. You must have
tickets to ANYTHING GOES in
order to have lunch at the Walker
Center. However, you may see the
play without having lunch at the
Center. Call for show tickets and
lunch reservations now as space
for dining is limited. Call (919)
667-0319 for tickets or reservations.
Mary Frances Galifianakis
John A. Walker Community Center
Wilkesboro, NC 28697
(919) 667-0319
This Month in
Math History
Howard W. Eves - Distinguished
Visiting Professor of Mathematics
University of Central Florida
A great many mathematically
significant events occurred during
the month of March; here is a
selected dozen of them.
On March 1 (1984), following a
call by Pope John Paul II, the Vat
ican announced that the so-called
heresy for which Galileo was con
demned by the Church in 1633
appears to have no foundation in
either theology or canon law. On
March 3,(1845) Georg Cantor, the
founder of modern set theory and
the theory of transfinite numbers,
was born of Danish parents in St.
Petersburg, Russia. On March 5
(1876), James Joseph Sylvester,
then 61 years old, was appointed
professor of mathematics at Johns
Hopkins University, marking the
beginning of genuine graduate
mathematics education in the Uni
ted States. March 5 (1954) also
rriarks the passing of Julian Lowell
Coolidge, perhaps the foremost
geometer on the American conti
nent during the mid-twentieth
century.
On March 10 (1797), the Nor
wegian surveyor Caspar Wessell
presented, to the Danish Academy
of Sciences, the first description of
the now familiar representation of
the complex numbers of points in
the plane. On March II (1780),
August Leopold Crelle was born;
Crelle, an engineer, in 1826 founded
his famous Crelle’s Journal, and
promptly published a sequence of
important papers by Niels Abel.
On March 14 (1879), Albert Ein
stein, by long odds the most popu
larly admired mathematical physi
cist of modern times, was born in
Ulm, Germany; he later became a
prominent member of the Institute
for Advanced Study at Princeton,
New Jersey. March 20 (1726/7
o.s.) marks the passing of Isaac
Newton, the most eminent mathe
matician of all times.
On March 23 (1882), Amalie
Emmy Noether, the most out
standing woman in mathematics,
was born in Erlangen, Germany;
she subsequently taught in the Uni
ted States at Bryn Mawr College in
Philadelphia. On March 26(1619),
Descartes reported to Beekman
the earlier flash that led him to
create “an entirely new science,”
later to become known as analytic
geometry. On March 28 (1749),
Pierre-Simon Laplace was born of
poor parents; he later produced
very substantial work in the fields
of celestial mechanics and proba
bility, leading to two monumental
treatises on these subjects, the former
one earning him the title of “the
Newton of France.” Incidentally,
Laplace died on March 5 (1827),
and it has been reported that his
last words were “What we know is
very slight; what we do not know is
immense.” On March 30 (1796),
when only 18 years old, Carl Fried
rich Gauss started his famous
scientific diary, beginning it with
his discovery of the Euclidean con-
structibility of a regular polygon of
17 sides.
Finally, to extend our dozen
significant mathematical events that
occured in March to a baker’s
dozen, we conclude by noting what
might be the most important event
of all - on March 30 (1858), the
pencil with an attached eraser was
patented.
Note: A reader interested in such
matters as the above can find great
pleasure in perusing A CALENDAR
OF MA THEM A TIC A L DA TES
by V. Frederick Rickey of Bowling
Green State University.
College Bible
Talks
Everyone is cordially invited to
attend these open informal Bible
discussions every Thursday even
ing at 7:00 p.m. at Windemere
Apartments. Building 2 Apt. F
For Immediate
Release
HORN IN THE WEST, the his
torical outdoor drama in Boone,
NC, will be holding auditions on
March 26th at Chapel Wilson Hall
on the Appalachian State Univer
sity campus. Registration will begin
at 9:00 a.m. “We’re looking for
numerous men and women dancers,
singers, actors and technicians,”
says Ed Pilkington, Artistic Direc
tor of the production. “This sea
son, there are several principal
roles available,” he added.
Prospective actors should pre
pare a 2 minute or less monologue
for the auditions. Singers need to
bring two songs of contrasting styles.
Dancers should bring appropriate
clothing. Members of the artistic
staff will be available to interview
those interested in working with
the technical staff.
HORN IN THE WEST, the
third oldest outdoor drama in the
nation, will begin its 37th consecu
tive season in June. “Over 1,280,000
people have seen the drama since it
began in 1952,” according to Wil
liam R. Winkler, HI, Executive
Producer.
HORN IN THE WEST is pro
duced by the Southern Appalach
ian Historical Association, a non
profit organization. More informa
tion about the auditions is available
by contacting the Horn staff at
(704) 264-2120 or P.O. Box 295,
Boone, NC 28607.
«=a=(i=if=if=is=cae:«3s=ii=ievss=a=a
Have and Help
Beautiful Saturday morning, per
fect for jogging in the park - but
then 1 saw him. Seated on one of
the benches near the park’s entrance
was a listless figure of a man hold
ing a tin cup with some coins and
dollar bills in it. Propped up near
his feet was this sign:
It’s Spring Again
But I have AIDS
Don’t Be Afraid
Causal Contact Won’t Hurt You
Please Help!
“What a lousy way to start the
day,” 1 thought. “Can’t help him
either. No coins in my sweats.”
1 tried not to look at his empty-
like eyes, and 1 picked up a little
speed as 1 passed by. What a pitiful
person he was. And that thought
was followed by this: What a lucky
person I am . . .
Think!
It’s spring and I’m relatively
healthy and strong. I can look for
ward to who knows how many
years of life . . .
It’s spring and 1 have so much
time to grow and learn and appre
ciate whatever.
It’s spring and I can feel and see
and hear and do.
It’s spring and I can love and be
loved.
Yes, for me, it’s spring. And 1
can rejoice with all that life has
given to me ... will continue giving
to me.
“Yes, I’m just plain lucky,” 1
thought. “But shouldn’t I be doing
something to help those who are
not?
“Yes, again.”
Educational
Loans A vailable
Three educational loan pro
grams for North Carolina residents
attending colleges in or out of state
and for nonresidents attending col
leges in North Carolina are availa
ble through College Foundation
Inc.
One program is for dependent or
independent students and is based
on financial need. One is for inde
pendent self^-supporting students and
is not based on financial need. The
third program is for parents of
dependent students and is not based
on financial need.
For more information, write Col
lege Foundation Inc., P.O. Box
12100, Raleigh, NC 27605 or call
919/821-4771.