VeectHOee *99
Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21): You ate too much over Thanksgiving. I see you keeping this up,
with the only career option left for you will be sumo wrestling.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19): Your continual sleepwalking and vivid dreams of being Zorro lead
to an inevitable and gruesome accident with the family cat. Blame the neighbors.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Get rid of all canned soup products in your home. They bring trouble
for the future. When the clock strikes 2000, they will super-pressurize and explode.
Pisces (Feb 19- Mar 20): For the insight and understanding you need to get through each day,
call 651-8800.
Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19): You are keeping an important secret from a friend or loved one. Tell
them immediately or your living quarters will be forever plagued with overweight roostersj foam
ing squirrels, and pigeons with dysentery.
Taurus (Apr 20- May 20): Your skin grows pale from lack of sun exposure. Your body grows
weak from malnourishment— all because you never set foot out of the gameroom. Warning: your
body cannot handle this for much longer. Resist the Ping-Pong.
Gemini (May 21- June 20): Your obsession with Pokemon has gone too far. Take up another
addiction. Try nicotine or gambling. These are much less harmful.
Cancer (June 21- July 23): Dislike someone? Kill them slowly with diet sodas and sugarless
gum. They'll never be able to trace it back to you.
Leo (July 24- Aug 22): It's oh so tempting, but do not eat fruitcake this holiday season. Don't
buy it; don't accept it; don't touch, taste, or even look at it. Fruitcake is evil, and it is up to you to
suppress its demonic powers.
Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22): You came in contact with a bit too much battery acid, stuck your finger
in one too many sockets, and ate a little too much Play-dough as a child. Now you have trouble
concentrating and can never sit still. Unfortunate for you, your future will be no different.
Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22): Be on the lookout for cancerous lizards. They are a sign that the end is
near.
Scorpio (Oct 23- Nov 21): Your friend's obsession with the Internet has gotten serious. His eyes
are continually glazed over and he's experiencing a loss of short-term memory. Intervene now,
before it's too late.