A\ay 2002
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
SAVE THE BATS! Bats are key to the production of alcohol. It turns out that bats are the pri
mary pollinators of Agave cactus. The root of the Agave is where we get tequila. Without the
bats, there would be no margaritas. And wouldn't that be a shame?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
What a shame, looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month you will learn the last of the Three Big Secrets of Success: Every silver lining has its
cloud!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your obsession with doughnuts is starting to become unhealthy. You should try picking up a
habit that is better for you try crack.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You’re beginning to take on many of the qualities of a seal. Beware if you continue to express
all the noises that you hear in your head. You will be sold to Ringling Brothers Circus.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware the Snuggles bear! He has come to enslave the human race. Starting with you.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Don’t count the sheep!!!! They actually have acquired a taste for flesh and will come to eat you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This month you will eat lots of Ho Ho’s. Remember you are what you eat.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A few words of advice: Country Crock should not be used as a lubricant.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It is said that everyone has someone who looks exactly like him or her in the world. Soon you
will see your “twin” in a movie entitled “Planet of the Apes”!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake
and a length of twine.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Beware of wool clothing. It conducts electricity and you will be asking for lightning to strike if you
venture outside. Three words for you: Human Lightning Rod!