Faculty Number
VOLUME XX VI
CONVICTION PREDICTED IN MILNER TRIAL
Athletes to Benefit
By Additional Courses
To Be Presented Soon
Milner, Pope, Cooperate in
Venture; Other New
Courses Taught
Outstanding among the curriculum
changes to be initiated at Guilford will
tie the installation of a group of crip
courses for the benefit of mentally
defective footluili players. The courses
will lie taught mostly by Mrs. Milner
and Dr. Pope.
XErs. Milner. who modestly admits
that she doesn't know everything about
everything, (that is, not piite every
thing) told reporters that she felt
quite competent to accept her new as
signments, having made extensive
studies in the field at Ohio State uni
versity. She will teach courses on:
"The creation and cultivation of a
perverted sense of humor." "The cor
rect use of the broad A" and "Practical
college dining hall etiquette."
I)r. l'ope was particularly enthusias
tic over his new course, "The place of
the trnni|iet In modern swing; or the
passing of Quietism." lie will also
teach a course on "Profanity a la
Franca is."
Several new courses which the staff
feels should lie on the must-take list,
of all students who want to lie really
and truly cultured will also lie taught
(Continued on Page Four)
Chemistry Prof. Loses Mind;
Apprehended in Founders
At the stroke of twelve on Sunday
night, Harvey Albert I-jung was led
away by Constable Bradshaw to the
Guilford college Jail. Clutching a
Krackel bar in one hand and a mint
imttie in the other, the mad chemist,
gibbering with rage, was found creep
ing through the door of Room !• in
Founders' hall, and subsequently ap
prehended.
His sister-in-law, comforting his
now Inarticulate spouse reluctantly sup
plied information. "Ilarve has been
acting quecrly lately," said she be
tween sobs. "And until now I did not
understand it. You know," she said, "he
had been giving his classes lectures on
the chemistry of digestion and one of
his pupils taunted him on his huge
(Continued on Page Four)
Furnas Reveals Methods,-
Chance Regulates Rating
lii mi authorized interview .yester
day, Philip \V. (work-less) Furnas
disclosed to your correspondent his
novel, revolutionary, (painless to the
teacher), methods of teaching, testing
and grading students.
With characteristic honesty mid com
plete lnek of sentiment, tlie alleged
head of the Knglish department can
didly spoke of an arbitrary division of
his Knglish classes into grade groups:
"First take several decks of cards and
write the name of a student on the
back of each: then turn the cards
over. All the names on the back of
face cards rate A's and B's. Deuces
Yellow Fever Edition of
IDE GUILFOBDIAN
Schedule for Worship
Monday, December 19—Break
fast in Bed.
Wednesday, December 20
Bromo-seKzer au gratln.
Friday, December 22 Turk
ish bath.
Mondaiy, December 25—MERRY
CHRISTMAS.
Wednesday, December 27—Break
fast in Bed. 1
Friday, December 29—Christmas'
gift exchange.
Monday, January 1 Bromo
cocktails in bed.
Wednesday, January 3—Ration
alize New Year's resolutions.
Friday. January s—Santa Clans,
speaking on "What I (Jot for
Christmas."
Binford Dispatches
Annual Epistle
Naive Old Bird Requests
St. Nick for Short
Wave Contraption
J>r. Raymond Blnford, president
emeritus of Guilford college and in
nocent old codger, when met in the
post office Thursday just us he started
to drop a letter In the slot, disclosed
the fact that he is expecting n happy
Christmas this year. He, In order to be
accommodating, tore open the letter
and let the Guii.fobihan'B representa
tive read It: it follows as one of the
many exclusive stories the Gcii.fobiji an
features bi-weekly. (By the way, this
is copyrighted.)
it lias been every bit of a whole year
since I last wrote you, and even though
I have not written. I have thought of
you because you brought me so many
wonderful toys last Christmas —and
fruits and nuts and candies. The little
hearing aid which you brought me was
Just the thing, hut it was not powerful
enough for my needs: In spite of the
legend about the battery, the gadget
is not powerful enough. It absolutely
will not pick up the fundamentals,
much less the overtones. So what I
want is a short-wave radio and audi
phone combined. Then, when I get
tired of listening to the dumb answers
given by some of the freshmen, and
the other static, I can tune in China
and listen to the roar of the guns,
which would he as Intelligible as the
jabber of those Geology eleveaeers.
(Continued on Page Three)
get F's. The rating holds good until
the cards wear out."
As for freshmen themes the old prof
expostulated, "Most of them are too —
(censored) stupid for us of the intelli
gensia to struggle through. M.v plan
is to go through and count the swear
words. In any given group the most
profane gels the highest grades."
Nonchalantly admitting that hither
to he had employed his brats (call 'em
heaters) lo grade tost papers, this
self-styled terror confirmed reports that
he had purchased a grading machine in
the interest of "scientific progress, and
(Continued on Page Four)
GUILFORD COLLEGE, N. C.. DECEMBER 16, 1939
Shepard Institutes
New Radio Series on
Nation-Wide System
New Program Will Present
Pre-School Age Child's
Views on Education
On the air tomorrow morning I)r.
F. Onrlyle Shepard of the Guilford
college faculty inaugurates his new
Columbia radio series, "The Pre-Bchool
Age Child's Views on Educntion." The
time for the broadcasts has been set
for !t :4f> in order to catch the proper
age level listeners as they are going
to Sunday school.
Well known to local students and to
Greensboro and Goldsboro Lions, I>r.
Shepard lias distinguished himself by
his ingenuous classroom liobby of us/
ing the "babe's view." This highly
original method—one of the first noises
a babe makes is "blaa Man"- —is now
winning him national acclaim.
l>r. Shepard's campus reputation is
amply attested by the large waiting
lists for registration in all education
classes. It has even been hinted by re
liable sources that the reason for the
select student body being limited to
.'IOO people is only an effort to keep
over 4(H) young Americans from matri
culating here In quest of the Shepard
originality.
When interviewed concerning bis new
radio series, Dr. Shepard was cus
tomarily brief in the details he re
vealed. A Northern network of Co
lumbia Broadcasting System stations
will carry his broadcasts as the (MVS.
officials feel that his voice is more
suited to Northern firesides because of
its heating qualities. While this means
Guilfordlans will not be able to hear
the programs. company officials have
stated that records will be made of the
series and these will lie available. The
series will continue on a weekly basis
until its termination in April.
News Briefs
Pope Announces Invention
Ir. I'ope announced today that he
lias just received a patent on his much
discussed invention, an apparatus to
lie used for shaving. The result of
many years research, the invention is
reported to have innumerable advan
tages In correctly pulverizing the face.
Dr. Pope told interviewers that he had
already obtained a great number of
orders through personal demonstration
as exemplified by bis own immaculately
shaven pan.
Weis Dismissed
Dr. Ezra Horse Face Weis confirm
ed reports today that he has been re
lieved of his duties as director of the
Guilford a capella choir. The reason
given by student leaders for the action
was that the antics of the former men
tor not only disturbs the audience but
distracts the singers and disrupts tim
ing as well.
Purdoni Suspends House liuilding
Project
E. Garness I'urdom told contractors
today that he had no intention of be
ginning construction of bis contem
plated new home until he had removed
from his wife all such "new-fangled
ideas as an inside bathroom and elec
tric- light fixtures." "The old ideas
were good enough back in Kentucky;
they're good enough at Guilford," the
physics prof, concluded.
Notice
IVfc-s. Milner announced today
that starting immediately alter
Christmas, a personal mail distrib
uting system will be installed for
benefit of students who have psy
chology second period. By a spe
cial arrangement with Jack White
ami Seth Macon, letters and pack
ages will be brought to the adui
toriuni second period Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays in order
(hat members of the class may be
spared the necessity of making the
long trek (o the post office before
coming to class.
Mr. Milner in disclosing (lie
change, stated (hat the faculty is
always glad to cooperate with the
students for their convenience. A
contemplated addition to the new
service is the provision of adver
tising literature for those who did
not receive letters from home. By
such a move discrimination will
be remove*! and everyone will have
a refuge from the monontony of
class lectures.
A similar service will lie offered
classes in King liall sometime in
the near future, Mrs. Milner re-
IMirted.
Inquiring Reporter
Investigates Lair
Guilfordian Representative
Recounts Goings On in
Pope-Gilbert Retreat
One faculty home remains fatherless
In (he dusky hours after classes and
one plush chair in the faculty parlor
Is vacant. Finding inspirational (inlet
in their secret hide-away in the book
morgue, Kus and Dottle create co
operatively during all the odd hours
when the ordinary profs are rocking
on Founders porch or caring for their
otherwise neglected families. The walls
of this room, their "castle of peace,"
hear for the first time many crea
tions in prose and poetry from the
lips of these two. What else goes on
there, long a mystery, will now lie
revealed.
It was found tlmt recently the pair
collected furniture from the storerooms
to make their den homelike. The refuge
Is now equipped with a heavy carpet, a
comfortable davenport, (with cush
ions), a sound-proof door, heavy draiies
(Continued on Page Four)
Mrs. Suiter Tells of
Romance and Marriage
> •
II ow / Met Mn Hill, a liH)k Just off
(lie press, brought tears to the eyes of
all who heard the review, as given by
the author. Mrs. \V. ). Suiter, widow
of the late llill Suiter, who died five
years ago of chronic sleeping sickness.
With tears trickling down her aged
cheeks, Mrs. Suiter explained that she
had written the book to commemorate
her love for her Hill. "It was back in
18ft0," began, "that I went to the
I'niversity of Chicago to do graduate
work. It was such a big place, and
there didn't seem to be anyone there
that I knew and not even anybody that
knew of my home state, Texas. Then,
one Sunday, the Methodist church gave
Faculty Number
NUMBER 6
Ex-President Defies
Quaker Leaders; Mrs.
Milner Apprehended
Trial Scheduled for Next
Week; Mrs. Milner
Turn State's Evidence
All hope of settling the affair of the
missing gymnasium funds without un
due publicity was lost last week when
ex-president Milner showed only de
fiance to the Quaker leaders, aiid his
trail was formerly scheduled for next,
week. The matter has come to some
notice at intervals in the last two
months.
"I'll beat this rap, you just wait
and see," ras]ied the brilliant, though
sinister appearing Clyde Milner at the
public meeting of the board of trustees.
"I got pull, see! You nor any of the
rest of this dirty double crossing liuncli
of crooks are going to pin anything on
me! And when this things is cleared
up, it's not going to be too healthy for
some people around (his point!" Amidst,
the noise and confusion caused by this
tinal threat the former president of
Guilford was spirited away and re
turned by his guards to the Guilford
college jail.
The ease is the 'outgrowth of a
campaign sponsored by l)r. Milner to
collect funds to build a new gymnasium
on the Guilford campus. It is alleged
that despite the fact that the present
structure is considered entirely ade
quate by both students and faculty, Dr.
Milner launched the cani|iaign single
handedly and obtained huge donations
from the graduating class of lIKUI. The
(Continued on Page Four)
Dr. Campbell Calls Meet
To Better Race Relations
Feeling the extreme need for some
action to be done with regards to the
racial attitudes among the Southern
states, l)r. Eva G. Campbell, last night
called a meeting of all interested in
furthering friendly race relations.
Many conscientious faculty members
were present.
A special committee was elected at
the meeting to see that students show
ed due consideration to the Negro help
as well as to any colored visitors to
the campus affairs. The members of
this committee, headed by Dr. Camp
hell are to print a pamphlet for dis
(Continued on Page Four)
in fen for all Methodist students, t was
invited. Divine Providence led me to
i accept thnt invitation." (soli).
"I was sitting in the corner all alone
witli no one to talk to. Suddenly, I
noticed standing on tile opposite side
of |he room, a tall, broad-shouldered
young mail, and then he turned around.
I had never seen a more handsome
man. Then the miracle! He had start
ed across the room! Was he coming
f A ward me? I took a quick glance
around the room, there was no one
else very near. He s|K>ke to me. And
1 saw his identification card read: Mr.
(Continued on l'agc Four)