Faculty Number
VOLUME XXVI
CONVICTION PREDICTED
Athletes to Benefit
By Additional Courses
To Be Presented Soon
Milner, Pope, Cooperate in
Venture; Other New
Courses Taught
Outstanding among the curriculum
changes to be initiated at Guilford will
lie the installation of a group of crip
courses for the benefit of mentally
defective football players. The courses
will be taught mostly by Mrs. Milner
and l)r. Pope.
XCrs. Milner. who modestly admits
that she doesn't know everything about
everything, (that is. not quite every
thing) told reporters that she felt
quite coui|K*tent to accept her new as
signments, having made extensive
studies in the field at Ohio Stale uni
versity. She will teach courses 011:
The creation and cultivation of a
perverted sense of humor." "The cor
rect use of the broad A" ami "I'raetieal
college dining hall etiquette."
l)r. l'ope was particularly enthusias
tic- over his new course, "The place of
tlie trumpet in modern swing: or the
passing of Quietism." He will also
teach a course lll "Profanity a la
Francais."
Several new courses which the staff
feels should be on the must-take list
of all students who want to be really
and truly cultured will also lie taught
(Continued on Page Four)
Chemistry Prof. Loses Mind;
Apprehended in Founders
At the stroke of twelve on Sunday
night, Harvey Albert I.jung was led
away by Constable Bradshaw to the
Guilford college jail. Clutching a
Krackel bar in one hand and a mint
pattie in the other, the mad chemist,
gibbering with rage, was found creep
ing through the door of Room in
Founders' hall, and subsequently ap
prehended.
His sister-in-law. comforting liis
now inarticulate spouse reluctantly sup
plied information, "liarve lias been
acting queerly lately," said she be
tween sobs. "And until now 1 did not
understand it. You know." she said, "he
had been giving his classes lectures 011
the chemistry of digestion and one of
his pupils taunted him on liis huge
(Continued on l'agc Four)
Furnas Reveals Methods;
Chance Regulates Rating
In mi authorized interview yester
day, I'liiii]) \V. (work-less) Knrnas
disclosed to your correspondent iiis
novel, revolutionary, (painless to the
teacher), methods of teaching, testing
and grading students.
With characteristic honesty and coin 1
plete lack of sentiment, the alleged 
head of the English department can- j
didly spoke of :iu arbitrary division of'
his English classes Into grade groups: j
"First take several (leeks of cards and
write the name of a student on the
hack of each; then turn the cards
over. All the names on the back of
face cards rate A's and ll's. Deuces
Yellow Fever Edition of
THE GUILFORDIAN
Schedule for Worship
Monday, December I!>—Break
fast in Bed.
Wednesday, I) ec e 111 her 20
Bromo-seltzer an k rat in.
Friday, December 22 Turk
ish bath.
Morality, December 25—MERRY
CHRISTMAS.
Wednesday, December 27—Break
fast in Bed.
Friday, December 29—Christmas'
gift exchange.
Monday, January I Bromo
cocktails in lied.
Wednesday, January 3—Ration
alize New Year's resolutions.
Friday. January s—Santa Clans,
speaking on "What I (Jot for
Christmas."
Binford Dispatches
Annual Epistle
Naive Old Bird Requests
St. Nick for Short
Wave Contraption
Dr. Raymond Binford, president
emeritus of Guilford college and in
nocent old codger, when met in the
post office Thursday just as he started
to drop a letter in the slot, disclosed
the fact that he is expecting a happy
Christmas this year. He, in order to be
accommodating, tore upon the letter
and let the Gi ii.kohiuax's representa
tive read it: it follows as one of the
many exclusive stories the Grn.FOKMAN
features bi-weekly. (By the way. this
is copyrighted.)
It has been every bit of a whole year
since 1 last wrote you, and even though
I have not written. I have thought of
you because you brought me so many
wonderful toys last Christmas —and
fruits and nuts and candies. The little
hearing aid which you brought me was
Just the thing, but it was not powerful
enough for my needs : in spite of the
legend about the battery, the gadget
is not powerful enough. It absolutely
will not pick up the fundamentals,
much less the overtones. So what I
want is a short-wave radio and audi
plione combined. Then, when 1 get
tired of listening to the dumb answers
given by some of the freshmen, and
the other static, I can tune in China
and listen to the roar of the guns,
which would lie as intelligible as the
jaliber of those Geology eleveneers.
(Continued on Page Three)
get K's. The rating holds good until
the cards wear out."
As for freshmen themes the old prof
expestulated. "Most of them are too —
(censored) stupid for us of the intelli
gt nsin to struggle through. My plan
is to go through and count the swear
'words. In any given group tile most
profane gets the highest grades."
| Nonchalantly admitting that hither
to he had employed his brats (call 'em
heaters) to grade test papers, this
self-styled terror confirmed reports that
he had purchased a grading machine in
the interest of "scientific progress, and
(Continued on Paye Four)
GUILFORD COLLEGE, N. C., DECEMBER 16, 1939
Shepard Institutes
New Radio Series on
Nation-Wide System
j New Program Will Present
! Pre-School Age Child's
Views on Education
On the air tomorrow morning I)r.
K. Carlyle Shepard of (hp Guilford
college faculty inaugurates his new
Columbia radio series, "The Pre-School
Age Child's Views on Education." The
time for the broadcasts has been set
for 5):45 in order to catch the proper
age level listeners as they are going
to Sunday school.
Well known to local students and to
Greensboro and Goldsboro Lions, l)r.
Shepard has distinguished himself by
his ingenuous classroom hobby of us-
hig the "babe's view." This highly
original method—one of the first noises
a babe makes is "blaa blaa"—is now
winning him national acclaim,
j Dr. Shepanl's campus reputation is
amply attested by the large waiting
lists for registration in all education
classes. It has even been hinted by re
liable sources that the reason for the
select student body being limited to
,'SOO people is only an effort to keep
over -KHi young Americans from matri
culating here in quest of the Shepard
originality.
When interviewed concerning his new
radio series. Dr. Shepard was cus
tomarily brief in the details he re
vealed. A Northern network of Co
lumbia Broadcasting System stations
will carry bis broadcasts as the C.Ii.S.
officials feel that his voice is more
suited to Northern firesides because of
its heating qualities. While this means
Guilfordians will not be able to hear
the programs, company officials have
stated that records will be made of the
series and these will lie available. The
series will continue 011 a weekly basis
until its termination in April.
A lews
Pope Announces Invention
1 >r. I'ope announced today that he
has just received a patent on bis much
discussed Invention, an apparatus to
be used for shaving. The result of
many years research, the invention is
reported to have innumerable advan
tages in correctly pulverizing the face.
Dr. I'ope told interviewers that he had
already obtained a great number of
orders through personal demonstration
as exemplified by his own immaculately
shaven pan.
Weis Dismissed
l>r. 10/,ra Horse Face Weis confirm
ed reports today that be has been re
lieved of bis duties as director of the
Guilford a capeila choir. The reason
given by student leaders for the action
was that the antics of the former men
tor not only disturbs the audience but
distracts the singers and disrupts tim
ing as well.
Purdoin Suspends House Building
Project
K. Garness I'urdom told contractors
today that he bad no intention of be
ginning construction of bis contem
plated new home until he had removed
from bis wife all such "new-fangled
ideas as tin inside bathroom and elec
tric light fixtures." "The old ideas
were good enough back in Kentucky;
they're good enough at Guilford," the
physics prof, concluded.
Nofice
Mrs. Milner announced today
I that starting immediately after
j Christmas, a personal mail distrib
uting system will be installed for
benefit of students who have psy
chology second |>criod. By a spe
cial arrangement with Jack White
and Sefh Macon, letters and pack
ages will he brought to the adui
toriuni second period Mondays.
Wednesdays, ami Fridays in order
that members of the class may be
s|>ared the necessity of making the
long trek to the post office before
coming to class.
Mr. Milner in disclosing the
change, stated that the faculty is
always glad to cooperate with the
students for their convenience. A
contemplated addition to the new
service is the provision of adver
tising literatim' for those who did
not receive letters from home. By
such a move discrimination will
be removed and everyone will have
a refuge from the mouontony of
class lectures.
A similar service will be offered
classes in King liall sometime in
the near future, Mrs. Milner re
ported.
inquiring Reporter
investigates Lair
Guilfordian Representative
Recounts Goings On in
Pope-Gilbert Retreat
One faculty home remains fatherless
in the dusky hours after classes and
one plush chair in the faculty parlor
is vacant. Finding inspirational quiet
in their secret hide-away in the book
morgue. Bus and Dottie create co
loperatively during all the odil hours
when the ordinary profs are rocking
011 Founders porch or caring for their
otherwise neglected families. The walls
of this room, their "castle of peace,"
hear for the first time many crea
tions in prose and poetry from the
lips of these two. What else goes 011
there, long a mystery, will now be
revealed.
It was found that recently the pair
collected furniture from the storerooms
to make their den homelike. The refuge
is now equipped with a heavy carpet, a
comfortable davenport, (with cush
ions), a sound-proof door, heavy drapes
(Continued on Page Four)
Mrs. Suiter Tells of
Romance and Marriage
Iloir I Met Mft Hill , ;i book just oil*
flit* press, brought tears to the eyes of
nil who heard the review, as given by
the author. Mrs. \\\ O. Suiter, widow
of the late Hill Suiter, who died five
years-ago of chronic sleeping sickness.
With tears trickling down her aged
cheeks, Mrs. Suiter explained that she
had written the hook to commemorate
her love for her Hill. "If was back ia
1800," Lois began, "that 1 went to the
I'liiversity of Chicago to do graduate
work. If was such a big place, and
there didn't seem to be anyone there
that I knew and not even anybody that
knew of my home state, Texas. Then,
one Sunday, the Methodist church gave
Faculty Number
NUMBER K
Ex-President Defies
Quaker Leaders; Mrs.
Milner Apprehended
Trial Scheduled for Next
Week; Mrs. Milner
Turn State's Evidence
All l)o)H* of settling the affair of the
missing gymnasium funds without, un
due publicity was lost last week when
e.x-presilent Milner showed only de
fiance to the Quaker leaders, aiid his
trail was formerly scheduled for next
week. The matter lias come to some
notice at intervals in the last two
months.
"I'll heat this rap, you just wait
and see," rasiied the brilliant, though
sinister appearing Clyde Milner at the
public meeting of the hoard of trustees.
"1 got pull, see! You nor any of the
rest of this dirty double crossing bunch
of crooks are going to pin anything on
me! And when this tilings is cleared
up, it's not going to be too healthy for
some people around this point!" Amidst.
Hie noise and confusion caused by this
linn I threat the former president of
Ouiiford was spirited away and re
turned by his guards to the (riiilford
college jail.
The case is the outgrowth of a
campaign sponsored by l)r. Milner to
collect funds to build a new gymnasium
mi the (iuilford campus. II is alleged
that despite the fact that the present:
structure is considered entirely ade
quate by both students and faculty. Dr.
Milner launched the camjNtign single
handedly and obtained huge donations
from the graduating class of l!Kls>. The
(Continued on Page Four)
-
Dr. Campbell (alls Meet
To Better Race Relations
Keeling the extreme need for some
action to be done with regards to the
racial attitudes among the Southern
states. Dr. Eva (i. Campbell, last night
called a meeting of all interested in
furthering friendly race relations.
Many conscientious faculty members
were present.
A special committee was elected at
the meet ins to see that students show
ed due consideration to the Negro help
as well as to any colored visitors to
the eatnptts affairs. The members of
this committee, headed by Dr. Camp
bell are to print a pamphlet for dis
(Continued on Page Four)
ii ten for all Methodist students. 1 was
invited. Divine Providence led me to
accept that invitation." (soli).
"I was sitting in the corner all alone
with no one to talk to. Suddenly, I
noticed standing; on the opposite side
of the room, a tall, broad-shouldered
young man, and then he turned around.
1 had never seen a more handsome
man. Then the miracle! lie had start
ed across the room! Was he coming
tAward me? 1 took a quick ({lance
around the room, there was no one
else very near. He sjioke to me. And
I saw his identification card read: Mr.
(Continued on Page Four J