Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / April 1, 1981, edition 1 / Page 1
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GmtfraudulSnf Vol. = L x W x H A behind the scenes Guilfraudulent report Vicious squirrel attacks continue Guilford College Maintenence Department "advisor" studies enemy habits in an attempt to get control over the worsening squirrel-human conflict. Martin leads them on Paternity prospects grow By Dennis Kirschbaum We all know that Martin Jones has recently been elected father of the student body (a paternity Suit anyone would hate to be faced with) but how many of us really know anything about Martin the Man? Being just another frustrated constit uent, this reporter set out to find out something about the man behind the myth that is Martin Jones. One fine evening I trudged down the dark road to the 'bio' house to see what information I could glean. My initial reaction to Martin was one of shock. My impres sion of Martin had alwasy been that he was a rather light-heart ed fellow who could never quite take anything seriously. How ever, when I found him quietly reading in his room with some soft classical music playing in the background, I began to realize that Martin is not the happy-go-lucky fool that many people take him to be. Martin does have a serious side. Not really knowing where to begin, I asked him about his childhood which he recalled fondly. Martin Well, I was born in High Point but soon after we had to move to Flint, Michigan. Not too many people have ever heard of Flint. It's nice there. . We were real poor. We lived in a small one-room shack, just me and my Mom and my sixteen brothers and sisters. We never had a lot, but we had each other. Sometimes my Mom would go without supper just so d there'd be enough for us kids. I worked from age ten to help support the family. I did test driving for some of the motor companies up there, you know? Well, I saved my pennies and by the time that I was fifteen, I had saved enough to get myself a reader. It has When my mom came home she found me with an' axe in my hand and the little tree at my feet. She said, "Marty, did you chop down that cherry tree?" I said, "Mother, I did not!" always been my dream that someday I would learn to read though it hasn't been until recently that I've really had anytime to work on it. C uilfordian: There are many rumors going around about you Martin. Could you tell us, for example, if you really threw a silver dollar across Lake On tario? Martin: Well yeah, that's true, but it was the narrow part. . . no big deal. Bluesville, NC Factions in the administra tion, faculty and student body of Guilford College have often argued over issues, fundamen tal and otherwise, but rarely come to blows over them. Recently however, a serious problem has evolved with the opening of hostilities between a new group on campus, guerrilla bands of commando squirrels and better armed administra tion controlled maintenance staff "advisors." Despite their better organization, training and equipment, the administra tion has not been able to subdue the factious rebels, and all members of the Guilford com munity have suffered. In order to explore this prob lem, one month ago staff writer Stephen Harvey donned a furry gray squirrel suit and went "underground" with the rebellious freedom fighters His report follows; On the evening of March 25, several students of Guilford College joined 52 of their fel- Cuilfordian: Some people have said that you've never told a lie. Martin: Well, that is not quite true. I did tell a lie once. Cuifordian: Could you tell us some more about that. Martin: Well, back in Flint in front of the shack, we had a small cherry tree. I didn't have any money, and as it was one of my brother's birthdays, I decid ed to make him something from the wood of that small tree. When my Mom came home she found me with an axe in my hand and the little tree at my feet. She said, "Marty, did you chop down that cherry tree?" I said, "Mother, I did not!" Boy did she whop me. C uilfordian: Martin, you have a sort of a reputation as the campus stud What does that mean in terms of your love life? Martin: I really don't under stand it, to tell you the truth I lows when they disappeared in the evening while walking across campus. For other stu dents, it was an evening of loss, the loss of friends, perhaps never to be seen again. For another segment of the Guilford community, however, the even ing known as the "The Night of the Long Tails" proved another resounding victory against the administration. These students, 7 in all, were captured by bands of guerrilla squirrels acting, for the first time, under an organized com mand. The issues in the conflict remain somewhat unclear, but appear to be rooted in charges of "hedgemony" by the squir rel forces. The charges stem from the removal, several years ago, of shrubbery from the campus along Friendly Road, when several squirrel families had to leave their ancestral nests. My experiences with the free dom fighters came as a member wjjST .-"■HHS—^. '- Martin Jones, father of our Student Body shows for the camera > little of the style that has earned him the title of school "hunk" for half of the campus, and "dad" for the other. guess I'm not ugly, but I just don't know why I have people following me all over the cam pus. Not just women but guys too. When you're in a position of power like I am, people are coming on to you all the time It's hard to tell who's sincere April 1, 1981 Jc+* gf nUi * JL '}. *\"r : Stephen Harvey incognito of one of the many semi-au tonomous commando groups, known as "tribes." Posing as a mercenary, I was assigned to the Sciurini tribe, headed by a squirrel-of-fortune Pygmy nam ed "Fluffy" who hailed from San Salvador This squad, nicknamed "Bee croft's Scaly-tailed Division," was responsible for patroling the "Chipmunk Quadrant," in cluding the George White and Dana Auditorium areas. During my stay, we managed to "stow away" 3 Guilford students and a dog The squirrels involved in the continued on page 3 and who's not. C uilfordian; Obviously Martin, you have a great interest in politics. How do you feel about your recent election to office? continued on page 4
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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April 1, 1981, edition 1
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