Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / April 1, 1983, edition 1 / Page 1
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Guilfraudulant Secret Revealed! Dream Becomes Reality On Campus After three years, the truth has been revealed. Our own William Rogers, president of Guilford Col lege, has admitted that he is ac tually Roger Staubach. After retiring from his job as quarter back for the Dallas Cowboys, Staubach has changed his name to pursue a long-standing dream in obscurity. Some may have noticed the college president's striking resemblance to the famous quarterback, but few suspected that they were one and the same. Rogers/Staubach has been liv ing quietly in the Greensboro community for several years since his retirement from profes sional football. Occasionally, he disappears for short periods of Thinking Pill time to other cities for "educational conferences." These "conferences" are TV commercials; he resumes his identity as Staubach in front of a camera and asks people how they spell "relief." Rogers has kept his Greenboro identity secret un til now. Rogers explains his name change. "I always liked my first name, Roger, so I kept it for a last name, adding the's' because now there's two Rogers. I never really liked "Staubach" - it sounds like a headache powder or something." Asked why he chose the first name Bill, he replied "Wait until you get mine." Paris - (JKC News Service) - The World Federation of Nuclear Na tions and House Plants today issued its platform from its fourth an nual Paris conference. In this morning's keynote address, world famous herpetologist Jeremy Nathan announced, "War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength." At seminars later in the afternoon, practical guidelines for fulfilling these tasks were issued to member nations. Nathan's three-part plan, the culmination of years of research by his Animal Social Behavior in the Nuclear Age Commit tee, is considered binding on all member nations. France was the first state to comply with the convention's dictates: a total of 18 missiles were launched from French submarines and land bases around Marseilles. To assure the world that their move was not based on either partisan or ideological grounds, the French blasted cities of various nationalities all over the world. Stockholm (Sweden), Boston (USA), and Stalingrad (USSR) were destroyed at about 3:38 this afternoon. All the other 46 nuclear nations, including the USA/USSR Alliance, Mexico, Madagascar, Spain, New Zealand, and Bonga-bongoland quickly followed France's lead. A host of potent missiles found their way to many of the earth's mast beautiful cities. As Chairman Nathan read over the casualty reports about 6 p.m. this evening, he was said to have been quite pleased. A short press conference was held this even ing in the lobby of his private bomb shelter on the outskirts of Paris. "I want to congratulate the world on the fine job it has done in the past three hours. We are now beyond chaos and fear; we are ap proaching a state of total devastation and thus of total peace. We work in the name of God for the good of humanity; the planned destruction sites for tomorrow are posted in the hall. Thanks again for all the rookies and goodwill cards. Bye bye." The standing ovation that followed was punctuated by cries of "Bless you" and "Blow up our hometown, please!" Although a complete account of today's bomb sites and casualties is not yet available, rough statistics are as follows. Cities destroyed: Philadelphia, Orlando, Toronto, Greensboro (N. America); Dover, Frankfurt, Madrid, Rome (Europe); Hiroshima, Hong Kong, Hanoi, Calcutta (Asia). Human Casualties: 196 million dead, 250 million dy ing, 410 million wounded. Analysts predict Africa will carry the burden of destruction tomor row, along with the central U.S. American President Harold Schlimp stated today, "I wish they'd blow up Omaha. Man, let's get rid of Omaha, and maybe Wichita too. But I sure do hope they blow up Omaha." Tomorrow the convention reconvenes to discuss the other two aspects of Nathan's plan for ending VD among polar bears: "freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength." Further positive and pro ductive plans are expected to emerge tomorrow. Pick Your President Why did Rogers/Staubach decide to become a college presi dent after being a football star? He explains "I don't want to fum ble through life. I needed a goal. I liked college; I passed everything. So I figured the academic life was the life for me. Oh, sure, I thought about becom ing a fireman or an actor or a punk rock musician. I know guys that have become cowboys, prizefighters, and pantyhose models. But I fell in love with the Guilford campus, and when I heard they were looking for a president, I thought what the heck. I left professional football to join the academic world." Rogers denies having any in fluence on Hershel Walker's deci sion to reverse this trend. When asked his opinion of Guilford College's football team, Rogers/Staubach replied "I'll The Lunicorn When I read about the Declassified Papers Act, I decid ed to avail myself of this oppor tunity to get the official story. The Declassified Papers Act allows anyone to write the U.S. Government in order to receive a copy of an official report, assum ing that the report has been declassified. Thinking of all the possibilities, I decided that I would most like to find out about the Apollo 11 moon landing because those astronauts, par ticularly Neil Armstrong, were actually living in an environment foreign to life as we know it and they were the first people (as far as we know) ever to be on the INSIDE There is no Inside... This is a two page Issue! • You guessed it! They're both our President...We couldn't find a picture of Roger Staubach. Just watch the Rolaids ads. Vol. 10 No. 67 April 1, 1983 pass on that. No comment." Rogers enjoys his new life of quiet obscurity. He has developed new interests, such as playing the horses, slam-dancing, hunting squirrels and unicorns, and col lecting rare hubcaps. He seldom thinks about his old days in the gridiron. Of his plans for the future, Rogers says "Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll do a kid's TV show. Or write a book. One thing for sure, you won't see me on a Lite beer commercial." moon. In addition, because the astronauts were the sum of the support of the taxpayers and the scientists, I wondered how the astronauts felt as they landed on the surface of the moon and walk ed about its surface. Herewith I quote from the copy I received: "I cannot express the excitement that Buzz and I (Edwin 'Buzz' Aldrin was Arm strong's companion in the lan ding craft) felt upon our descent onto the moon. I readied myself for the first-ever moon walk. After climbing down the ladder, I stepped out on the surface and (cont'd on page 2)
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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April 1, 1983, edition 1
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