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Volume LXVII, No. 18
Cover-up Unveiled
What Really Happened the Day the Tree Fell
by D. L. Kapwood
and W. S. Flashstien
February 27, 1984 was a day
like any other day, one that most
have forgotten, one that some
would like to forget, and yet, a
day that a tragic few will always
remember. William Shoemaker
Flash, a third-year history major,
and Donald Lloyd Kaplan, a third
year English and history double
major, are two young men that
will never forget that day ; simply
because they cannot.
Boren Lounge had always been
a favorite place for Don and
Flash to come and prepare for
their classes. That day they were
studying hard for their Vietnam
Seminar course. As they
discussed the various ways that a
body could be mutilated in times
of war, they had little idea that
their own bodies' devastation lay
waiting on the path to class.
Flash and Don said their
farewells to friends and sprinted
out of Founders onto the stone
paved walkway.
They had not gone more than a
WBw' ' 1 ill IE ' arv
Photo by Kitty Hubbard
Flash's frail body being smooshed. Later when asked about
the accident he said "When I said I wanted to branch out I didn't mean
this!"
few yards when tragedy struck.
From inside, close friends
watched in horror as a huge,
mammoth-sized, gargantuan
tree was uprooted from the earth
(due to a mild drizzle), and
mashed their innocent faces and
frail bodies into the walkway.
"All I can remember is seeing
them bounding down the steps
and then... splat. There was blood
and bark and limbs and library
books everywhere," a tall, sexy
blonde who was at the scene
recalled. v
Luckily for the two victims,
Katherine C. Hubbard, whom
only seconds before had been
studying and cajolling with the
two mangled bodies, rushed out
of Founders and immediately
began to snap pictures. Passing
students tried in vain to rescue
the two bags of lifeless jelly, but
the huge trunk had pinned them
to the cold damp stone and
mortar.
In a matter of minutes all the
proper authorities were notified
and had arrived on the scene. But
Beautiful Guilford College, Greensboro NC 27410
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Ms. Hubbard captures the agony on film
from this point on, the word
"proper' cannot and will not be
used. Obviously enough, the
Guilford College administration
realized the possible implications
of the event and quickly
dispersed the surrounding
students, faculty and staff
members. Even close friends,
such as the tall blonde and Ms.
Hubbard, were forced to
evacuate the area.
For the next two hours, no one
is quite sure what happened in
the front of Founders or they are
now afraid to say. Students going
to their classes only observed a
large tarp thrown over the tree's
mid-section and the loud roar of
chain saws.
Nathaniel Dweeb, a second
semester freshman chem and
physics double major, with a
minor in biology, zoology,
psychology, and ornithology, and
a concentration in the History of
Science; who transferred from
MIT, said that by his
mathmatically proven algebraic
geometric trig function that the
tarp was removed after a while.
What actually occurred under
the tarp is hard to say, but it is
not hard to guess. Maintenance
arrived on the scene only a brief
hour and forty-seven minutes
after the accident and began to
saw furiously. Two hours later
two large garbage bags were
seen being hauled away by the
maintenance tractor.
Willie and Don were not seen
for the rest of the day, nor for the
next 48 hours. Shelby Squigman,
a resident of Milner dorm, said
that late that same day, he saw
maintenance dragging two huge
garbage bags up to Ragsdale
House.
From this point it is only with
the greatest of difficulty that the
story can further be pieced
together. Early Feb. 29, a jogger
from Binford, whose prefers to be
anonymous, saw the
(presumably) same bags being
thrown into the rear of the
security jeep.
That same morning, the jeep
was seen arriving at the
emergency room of Wesleyan-
Long Hospital. An inside source
from Environmental Services of
WLH, said that he saw the two
bags being taken into the
operating room.
Luckily, the doctor who was on
at that time was willing to talk. "I
have been practicing medicine
for 38 years and never have I seen
something as disgustingly torn
Pecker Brin
Renowned film star Woody
Woodpecker has filed a suit for $2
million against editors of the
Guillemot, alleging defamation
of character.
The famous feathered figure,
who has starred in over 100
Hollywood productions,
discussed the lawsuit against the
Guillemot with reporters in his
posh Beverly Hills treemansion.
"As the most famous
woodpecker in the world, my
April 4, 1984
Photo by Kitty Hubbard
up as these two bodies." He was
obviously speaking about Don
and Flash.
Back on the campus scene,
things seemed quite normal over
these same two days. And yet,
they weren't. Willie's girlfriend,
Ms. Hubbard, first could not find
him for these few days and then
the Asst. Director of Security
came and took her camera, "for
reasons he could not discuss."
Don's roommate was forced to
sleep in a neighbor's room, since,
as the nurse told him, "Don was
suffering from a communicable
disease." Ms. Hubbard and
Matthew J. Burt realized that
something was wrong and came
to us.
We got hold of the pictures that
the administration tried to steal
and hid them off campus. We
then began to question the
authorities as to the whereabouts
continued on page 2
reputation has been slandered,"
he said, referring to a cartoon in
the February 1984 publication.
"It was a fowl thing to do, a
really cheap shot, and I won't
stand for it."
The editors of the Guillemot
could not be reached for
comments, or for anything else.
Rumor has it they are currently
travelling the rooster-fight
curcuit, looking for new ideas.