Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / April 1, 1991, edition 2 / Page 4
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AreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAreAre Five Students Nabbed in Milner Playboy Sting Sheherazade Jones Staff Writer In a case that threatens to stir bitter controversy on campus, five students are being brought before the Judicial Board after college authorities discovered a copy of the February Playboy Swimsuit Issue in a room where the students had been having a party. The students have been charged under the so-called "Respect for Persons" clause with "possession and/or using a smutty magazine" and "perpetuating soci ety's obsessions with bathing beauties." Junior James Bakker, one of theaccused students, agreed to tell his side of the story on the condition that his name not be used. "Me and a few of my buddies were just sitting around acting innocent when the campus police burst in," he said. "They told us they knew we had smut in the room, and they rummaged through all our stuff. They found this magazine, but I swear I didn't have the faintest idea it was there." Richard Pryer, the assistant dean for judicial affairs, refused to answer ques tions about the case on the grounds that his answers might tend to incriminate him. Testy Bonsai, a member of the Judicial Board, was more forthcoming. Three Dead, Five Injured, Hundreds Mystified Terminator X Staff Writer Three people were eaten by Dana Audi torium yesterday, causing pandemonium across campus. To the surprise of several unsuspecting students, the building doors turned to jaws and the pillars peered an grily down on the awaiting victim. "I just couldn't believe it," said junior Barny Gornoff. "I was waiting out front for my friend to turn in her paper and all of the sudden she was screaming for help." No one has yet explained how the build ing could do such a thing or why, but students are coming up with their own theories. Freshman Marsh Hipster said, "I think that the ghost that has haunted the building for so long is finally becoming upset with the students." Sophomore Bob Direct said, "It's the beginning of the end." The religion department refused to comment. The administration, on theother hand, reported that they are sorry for the students, but that it is too late to refund Work Harder >■ continued from page 1 how Monty hates to look out the window and see ragged grass. Oh, and you and Nancy need to check that air conditioning unit in Bryan again. They say it's still THE GOOFORDIAN April 1, 1991 4 "This case merely empha sizes the need for more severe pun ishment for stu dents caught reading Playboy, Hustler or Pent house" she said. To illustrate her point, Bonsai took out a miniature guillotine about six inches tall and with a very sharp blade. "I have submitted a plan to Senate to deal with male students who read smutty maga zines." As a demonstra tion, she triggered the release on the blade,causingitto ... hPHPw tfc \W IBBHbB'w. IBSMw Suspect James Bakker is caught trying to bury evidence from his case outside Milner Hail/photo by Ham Ittup slam down on the miniature chopping block. Eric Bongtree, a self-proclaimed expert on human rights and all-around pain in the butt, was asked about his views of the case. ! ~= ——— Officials are baffled by the strange occurances at Dana Auditorium, such as this sophomore being eaten/photo by Professor Griff student's tuitions to their families. The Admissions Office is concerned that this event will result in a decline in next year's enrollment and has taken the building off the perspective student touring route. leaking and blowing out blue stuff." (At press time, the unit had been re paired, but the water pipes servicing Bryan Hall were shattered in the process, prompt ing the Board of Trustees to raise tuition another 9.5 percent. According toNewlin, Bryan residents can expect to be without water for "about two more weeks, all right? We're working on it! Just get off our (During the interview, Bongtree took fre quent drags from what he called "The Mother of All Joints.") "Like, wow, man, this case is a very serious violation of human rights," he said. At the present time the college had is sued no official statement. Campus Min ister Max Carter has announced that there will be a student support group meeting next Friday for friends of the victims. backs. Sheesh!") Students' reactions have also been mixed. "I knew something was up when I went into the lounge this afternoon and no one was watching soap operas," said jun ior Jennifer Crackash. "I guess it's good from a financial point of view, but I'm see LAZY BUMS on page 2 >■ "The college has violated these students' rights as granted by The U.S. Constitution, the U.N. Charter, the Universal Declara tion on Human Rights and 'Free to Be You and Me' by Mario Thomas. "To exhibit my superior learning," he continued, "I will quote to you from the great Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wen dell Holmes, who said, 'lf a guy wants to ogle some chick in a scanty bathing suit, he has the right to do so.'" When The Goofordian contacted Keir Turkey, a clean-living, right-thinking advocate of law and order who serves in Community Senate and supports the col lege's position in this case, Turkey's "leg islative assistant" who answered the phone said he was recovering from "The Mother of All Hangovers," but was authorized to speak on his behalf. "There' s been a lot of talk about how the college is talking illegal shortcuts to con vict students on the basis of inadequate evidence," said Turkey's spokesman spokesperson. "That's a lot of bull. I don't see any reason why we should coddle criminals just because they're innocent" If convicted, the students could be sen tenced to listen to Randy Travis records for upwards of eight straight hours. Senator's Notebook Ribs Ramses Mint-flavored or cherry? Prickly or tickly? These are some of the meaty issues senators were probing into deeply last week, as the discus sion swung to a request for condom funding. This discussion had been left dan gling after a hot debate last semes ter, but arose again and was finally resolved. After extended discus sions, Community Senate approved the request, prompting the Board of Trustees to raise tuition another 9.5 percent. Concerned students made pene trating comments about the deci sion. "This means there's no money left to fund my club, but at least [Senate] didn't leave us hanging like last time," concluded a dejected Rod Limpley. Rod heads the newly formed Guilford Ball Club, whose membership has swelled this year. "For some, our decision may come as one that's hard to swallow, but we're firm in our commitment to providing condom s for all students," gushed Budget Committee member Richard Longly. "It'll be great."
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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April 1, 1991, edition 2
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