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General Schwartzkopf for President
When we see a friend in trouble, our
instinct is to help. That's the way I feel as
I WMih the Democratic Party headed
toward another inevitable trouncing in
To say that the field of Democratic presi
dential prospects in uninspiring is to under
state the case. The only announced candi
date is George McGovern, who's so in
competent he got beaten by Richard Nixon.
Governor Cuomo of New York presides
over a horrible budget crisis. Senator
Edward Kennedy has nothing going for
him except his name; otherwise he's all
wet Senator Albert Gore is basically
known to the public as "Mr. Tipper."
And even if the Democrats had better
candidates, it would seem pointless for
them to run in 1992, while Bush relaxes in
the aftermath of a successful war. The
average college student may applaud the
Democrats in Congress for voting against
authorizing hostilities against Iraq, but to
most Americans, this vote is just another
sign of the incurable wimpiness of the
What the Democrats need is a candidate
Escaping With the Help of
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy
Happy April Fool's Day. Yeah, yeah,
I know it's over but isn't it nice to have
one day out of the (dreary) year when
everything can be a joke? Because I've
come to the conclusion that we live in a
much too serious world. Gloom and
doom, that's us.
Let's see, we've got the recession (or
is that a depression?) and The War on
Drugs and The War on Crime (such a
peaceloving nation, aren't we?) and
cancer and AIDS and the breakdown of
the schools and the breakdown of the
family (war and breakdown: favorite
American words) and our cities are
falling apart and it doesn't look like the
Republicans will EVER leave the White
House and our hit movies are about
serial killers and our entire country is
sinking into the sea under a mound of
debt (and you thought that California
would be the only one to go! HA!) and
THAT'S AMERICA! If we're the
promised land, I don't even want to
think about what's happening elsewhere
THE GUILFORDIAN April 8, 1991
who can inspire the people. Someone who
is immune to being attacked as a war
wimp. Someone like General Norman
If Schwartzkopf hit the campaign trail as
"Barnstormin' Norman," we would see
some real fireworks. General Norm could
out-Bush Bush by reiterating his charges
that the president prematurely halted the
offensive against Iraq. Slogans could be
coined, such as, "George started the war,
but Norm won it," and "Norm didn't earn
his medals in the Indiana National Guard."
The intellectual vote could be wooed:
"Don't be a dumbkopf, vote for Sch
Basically, I'm saying that the Demo
crats could win the election with General
Norm, and not with anyone else. That
should be argument enough in favor of
nominating him. But there are some fussy
people who will insist on knowing before
nominating him whether a Schwartzkopf
presidency would be good for the country.
To satisfy these nitpickers, let me outline
the advantages of having General Norm in
the White House.
First, if the laws of probability are any
guide, he won't get us into war. None of
our four other general-presidents did.
on Planet Earth.
Is there such a thing as problem over
load? If so, I think (surprise, surprise)
that we've reached it (a dubious accom
plishment at best, but, hey you' ve got to
be good at something). No wonder we
flock to Disneyworld and join Andy
Griffith fan clubs and spend more time
lobbying to save "Twin Peaks" than we
do lobbying to stop wars and go to "Star
Trek" conventions and buy enough
"Calvin and Hobbes" books to put them
on the top of the bestseller lists... We
just want a little piece of unreality that
we can control (reality, we've discov
ered, is no fun), be it the Magic King
dom, a decades-old TV show, or a boy
and his tiger.
We just want a moment where we
don't have to think about the perils of
global warming or the new surgeon
general's report (which probably re
verses the last surgeon general's re
port) or the latest Guilford College con
troversy-of-the-week. Everybody needs
to escape now and then. So, in that
spirit, Happy April Fool's (again).
And happy Serendipity.
Slogans could be coined,
such as, 'George started
the war, but Norm won it,'
'Norm didn't earn his
medals in the Indiana
National Guard'and 'Don't
be a dumbkopf, vote for
(Although, to be frank, William Henry
Harrison's administration only lasted one
month, which wouldn't have given him
enough time to start a war even if he
wanted to.) President Eisenhower actually
got us out of a war. This should come as no
surprise: generals know more about the
honors of war than civilians. If the Quak
ers know what's good for them, they should
start making Schwartzkopf campaign but
Second, think what General Norm would
do to the NRA lobby. Schwartzkopf has
seen what happens when dangerous weap
ons get into the wrong hands, and he would
probably push hard for a rigorous gun
With someone of Schwartzkopf's stat
ure behind them, the advocates of gun
control might inject some backbone into
those spineless wonders in Congress. And
crowd might be persuaded to abandon the
NRA once Schwartzkopf makes it clear to
Editor-in-Chief Jacob Stohler
Managing Editor Peter Smith
News Editor Justin Cohen
Features Editor Lara Ramsey
Editorials Editor Lisa Pope
Sports Editor Butch Maier
Layout Editor Bruce James
Assistant Layout Editor Jennifer Watts
Photo Editor George Brand
Copy Editor Suzanne Moore
Business Manager Lesley Funk
Advertising Manager David Putzel
Faculty Advisor Jeff Jeske
The Guilfordian is the student newspaper of Guilford College, Greensboro, N.C.
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them that gun control is not a conspiracy
by liberal Communists.
Finally, imagine what would happen to
the budget crisis if General Norm were let
loose on it Everyone in Washington is
inventing silly plans to balance the budget
without hurting special interests. They
have plans like: "Thin Budgets in 30
Days," "The Easy 10-Step Budget Plan,"
"How to Use Liposuction to Trim the Fat
Off the Budget," etc.
Schwartzkopf wouldn't buy any of that.
"If my soldiers could risk the ultimate
sacrifice for the sake of low gas prices,
then these stupid civilians can darn well
make sacrifices for the sake of a balanced
budget," the General would say. And if the
members of Congress didn't go along,
they would be rounded up and...
Okay, maybe my imagination is getting
a little overheated. We all know Sch
wartzkopf wouldn't do these things. We
all know that he won'trun in the first place,
and we better get used to the idea of an
other Republican victory. To accustom
ourselves to this fact, I recommend that we
recite these lines: "Three cheers for the
red, white and blue; Bush and Quayle in
Makes you want to puke, doesn't it?
In last week's front-page article
about the condom debate in Senate,
wemisattributedaquote. The speaker
was Betsy Vance, not Betsy Green.
We regret the error.