12
HI ft iilii j^Hp.
g \ V
■ - ® : ; -
W ; ' c /;: sgf:' -.'j ' .Yv ,
[2.
A conversation with Keir
SARA JOHNSON
photo editor
In this space we hope to expose
you to the the true essence of those
filling these pages with these
words. Please don't hold it against
them, they are just victims of a
frightening, revealing poll.
Guilfordian: Did you ever have
a rumble in elementary school?
Keir: No, I was scared of people
in elementary school. I was big
ger than everyone else, but if any
one had tried to beat me up I would
have gotten the crap kicked out of
me. I was a big wimp.
G: Did you have an imaginary
friend?
K: Sort 0f... I had an imaginary
monkey named Rupert.
The Guilfordian
..JSmT
M ' :.A SMH
& Wy •
BP ,!•#•••■
lißtiiti H
M—Udfc jinfc *i ..
G: Is he still alive?
K: No, he passed on some time
ago. A nasty case of gingivitis did
him in. I told him again and again,
"Rupert, the ADA recommends
flossing at least once a day," but
the little guy just wouldn't listen.
G: Which one place do you
never want to visit/return to?
K: The Small World Ride in
Disney World. It's haunted by Sa
tan. The little dolls singing in
tongues... they scare me.
G: Favorite PBS character?
K: Cookie monster.
G: Favorite author?
K: Judy Blume. Tales of a
Fourth Grade Nothing, as well as
Super fudge, magically portray the
bittersweet time pre-adolescence
is. James Joyce is OK, too.
life!
Far Left: Keir
gains insight.
Top: Keir
reasons with a
suicidal pig.
Bottom: Often
Keir challenges
his intellect.
G: What's the most you've ever
spent on a pair of shoes?
K: Ninety dollars. It was back
in that 7th grade-you-needed-
Nike-Airs-or-you-were-shit pe
riod A cloudy time in my life.
G: Are you an angry youth?
K: Yes, ever since they took "My
So Called Life" off the air.
G: How do you feel about the
public works?
K: I really like working
publically.
G: Rumor has it that you have a
strong liking for "Baby Got Back".
Why is that?
K: Sir Mix-a-Lot is the finest
musician to come from the Seattle
scene, and "Baby Got Back" is a
microcosm of all his artistic en
deavors. His opus, if you will.
Recollections
from the
Blizzard of 1 96
at left, Emma Pfaelzer sleds
down the Milner lawn,
below left, Bugs Shuberg
and her snowperson.
below right, Jeff Johnson
delights in his and Bug's
icy creation.
Classifieds
Bedroom for
rent, near cam
pus, we are
Guilford students.
$217 per month,
female preferred.
Call Laura &
Brooke for details.
852-4815.
January 26, 1996
Guilford-speak
Hardly Quakerly
ADAM LUCAS
staff writer
It has come to my attention that
we have some new students join
ing us at "picturesque Guilford
College" this semester. In order
to both provide a valuable public
service and also fill up column
space, I have decided to create a
glossary of words that will help
them adjust to life with the Guil
ford Quakers.
Quiet Hours: This is a time pe
riod in your dorm during which
you are required to be less noisy
than the average Boeing 737 on
take-off. If you violate this rule, the
punishment is usually someone
knocking violently on your door
and screaming at the top of their
lungs, "HEY, it's supposed to be
quiet in here!"
The Guilfordian: The official
newspaper of Guilford College,
which possesses a strikingly origi
nal name. The paper has been
awarded the Pulitzer Prize for jour
nalism, although the award was
somehow lost in the mail.
Consensus: This is an interest
ing part of our Official Quaker
Heritage, which basically holds
that one person can block an en
tire decision simply by being stub
born.
Fraternities and Sororities:
Everyone knows that Fraternities
Are Bad, which is why Guilford
prefers to call theirs "Avanti."
Republicans: The only thing
worse than a fraternity is a Repub
lican. In fact, most Republicans are
White Males, which is even worse.
White Males are evil, and should
be forced to take back all the ter
rible stuff they've done to society,
such as the polio vaccine and the
printing press.
Quakerism: We at Guilford re
ally like this a lot, even though
most Quakers would gasp in hor
ror if they could see half the ac-
Non-profit Organization
US Postage
PAID
Permit No. 57
Greensboro, N.C.
tivities that go on at Guilford.
Whenever this is mentioned, nod
your head and say, "Hmmmm, I'll
have to ask Max about that."
Hege Library: The sprawling
complex near Duke that is rumored
to hold over 1.3 million volumes.
Of course, that figure includes
books held in Guilford's "sister li
braries," which apparently include
the Library of Congress. No mat
ter what the subject area, Hege will
always have exacUy 20% of the
books you are looking for—al
though your success rate decreases
slightly if you want to find peri
odicals.
Tolerance: This is yet another
important characteristic. To my
understanding, the way tolerance
works is, everyone but yourself is
required to have it.
Book buy-back: A wild rumor
which implies that the bookstore
actually gives you cash for your
books. In reality, you will only re
ceive beads and trinkets which
amount to l/30th of the amount
you paid for the books just four
months earlier.
Security Department/Resi
dential Life: Institutions which
provide a valuable public service
to Guilford College. Just how se
riously they take their job can be
seen by examining the Guilford
ian police reports. Take, for ex
ample, the instance on September
16 when they were confronted
with an illegal keg in Bryan. Their
swift and decisive decision was to
confiscate the keg, and, in our own
words, "The keg was disposed of
by Residential Life staff and Se
curity." Fill in your own punch
line here.
Tongue-in-cheek: The type of
humor contained in this article. If
we have offended you in any way,
take solace in the fact that you're
not alone. If we didn't, we'll try to
get to you next time.
The Guilfordian
Guilford College
P.O. Box 17717
5800 W. Friendly Ave.
Greensboro, N.C.
27410