2
STAFF
M.C. "Bossman" Birdwhistell • president & ceo
Mariah "Defender of Emus" Sawyer • the woman
Amy Broach * junk bond trader extraordinaire
Sara "Guido the Hollow Leg" Johnson • visiting
photo editor from calvin klein
Keir Bickerstaffc • poop editor
Susan Allen • editor of never-ending fluff
Adam Lucas • bleeding-heart liberal-in-residence
Rob Mirchin • kickin' sports editor
John "Exploding Gaiter" Cocking • doesn't work here
Jeannie Dahlhauser • does
Steve Marasco • the original Quakahhlman
Brad Hammett *Pooh Hash
Richard Dailey • bowb extrodinaire
Alice Reid • webfiend
"Jeff "I love Sparky" Jeske • editor of squirrels
Leigh King •
Christy He roe/Vj amie ■ |)|g jjMichael Belan
Lauren Gill • Sucey Vincent • JeftJohnson
Ben Thome yaipe Mcßal* Caroline Wolfe
Jeff Hartz • Joce \§ipp Oakley
Tim Forbes • Olivia Braden
STAFF MEETINGS ARE MIDNIGHT, EACH FRIDAY THE 13TH
IN THE SECRET PLACE IN RAGSDALE HOUSE
THE GOOFORDIAN
Box Seven, Guilford College, Grcensboring, NC 27410
(910) 666-2306 • FAX (919) 666-2950
GOOFORDIAN@WILDN'CRAZY.GUILFORD.COM
YEAH, LIKE WE REALLY CARE
It should come as no surprise to any of you
that for the 3,476 th consecutive issue, last
week's Goofordian contained no errors of any
kind. Our grammar was impeccable, our spell
ing divine, our word choice and sentence struc
ture perfectly delightful.
COMMUNITY CORRECTIONS
Contrary to erroneous information reported last Tuesday on
WQFS' Guilforum show, Dan Poteet did get the part as Pheobe's
new beau on Friends.
Mark Leeper incorrectly identified the originators of the U.S.
Constitution in Friday's lecture. He should have credited the docu
ment to "the sand people."
Quaker assaults five
JAMIE O'SULUVAN
staff writer
In a very un-Quakerly occurrence yes
terday, a 35-year-old, unnamed Quaker
male was arrested in Friendly Center for
assaulting five youths. The youths, also un
named, stated that they "did not see it com
ing," and "the attack was a total surprise
to us."
This is the fourth attack in five months
and many people are questioning the va
lidity of the avowed pacifism of Quakers.
One lady, Matilda Gerunthinchitinski was
quoted as saying "Many people have mis
interpreted Quaker beliefs as pacifistic.
Personally, I think it is all bosh."
Have you hugged
a squirrel today?
The Goofordian AP "' 1996
Matilda was assaulted by a Quaker
early this month for supposedly shouting
her name too loudly in public.
From all of the recent outbursts comes
a very big concern. I don't think we should
have to deal with such uncontrollable mis
fits. Violence should be stopped at every
level.
I truly feel sorry for the kids that were
so brutally attacked. We need to protect
the wonderful kids that are being bred these
days. The poor kids were just vandalizing
a car and then this occurs. Ugh! The nasti
ness of some people!
Can't we all just get along?
Guilford looking
for new president
AMY BROACH AND
CORY BIRDWHISTELL
we ain't no katle kourlc
bubbly sweet journalists
Late-night phone calls are al
ways teeming with bad news. And
a late-night phone call to Bill Rog
ers late last week was no different
The caller, Don McNemar, spread
a gloomy black blanket over Guil
ford last Thursday night as he made
his confession over the phone. It
seems that McNemar is quitting his
job at Guilford before he gets his
first paycheck.
According to Rogers, McNemar
had been tinkering with this deci
sion since his visit in January. Dur
ing that visit he saw Guilford as an
"uncontrollable downward spiral
that Die] could not reverse." Appar
ently, several things about our com
munity made McNemar think twice
about his future.
Our tragic lack of fashion sense
was the foremost of his worries. He
told Rogers that although he had
connections, he wouldn't be able to
bring Guilford back on its once
smardy-shoed feet within the next
five years—unless, of course, Sen
ate agreed to raise student couture
fees by 27.8 percent, mandate
matching, and ban flannel.
As for professors, McNemar
proposed that they grade assign
ments cxi a timely basis as to allow
them to have free time for other
work. This work, McNemar sug
gested, would be to put knowledge-
Senate gives students
'permission to garden'
TRIPP OAKLEY
staff writer
Relax. We have escaped the searing sun
light—now we live in internal shade.
Realizing the inherent dangers in buv
ing and selling harmless mari
juana, last week the Senate and
Union reached consensus on a
plan that will formally
nalize marajuana possession and
growth on campus. Suddenly,
mundane campus life has taken
on a fresh glow of toleration —
a shade.
The most striking component
of Senate's proposal is the dis-
tribution of growing plots by Residential
Life. Students will be able to apply for the
plots, located throughout campus, by sub
mitting applications to Res. Life. Growing
experience and credit hours seem to be the
basis on which students will receive per
mission to garden.
able hands on construction projects
around campus. For example, the art
department could make one big
phallic symbol out of Hege-Cox
while the professors in King start
digging the basement for a new sci
ence building. (No
psychoanalyzations of biomass, soil
chemistry, bedrock, or magnetic
data of the site permitted.)
But the work load would not just
apply to the teachers, it would also
apply to the support staff. He cited
that Residential Life officials could
begin working on the old and un
controllable heat problems in Mil
ner. And while they are in the rooms,
McNemar said, they would need to
check on the air-conditioning units
that only work in the winter.
But these were not the only prob
lem McNemar had. It seems that
Guilford students were not as re
laxed as he once thought He said
that we seemed a little "uptight" and
took things too personally. He even
went on to tell Rogers that we were
"quick to avenge," and often made
outlandish accusations. McNemar
called for a tolerance class that
would teach the students "Quakerly
ways."
A tolerance class was not the
only new course he wanted to see.
McNemar said that a parking class
is badly needed, especially for resi
dents of Milner. He said "it is es
sential for the value of efficiency to
teach these kids the trade of putting
their vehicle between the yellow
lines."
McNemar also made a comment
about our system of security. He
seems to be concerned with his
family's safety. On their visit in
January, the couple was flanked at
all times by suited secret service
agents in case of an assassination
attempt. And, considering this risk
is prominent at all times when he is
president here, the system will have
to be beefed up.
"Those security people will have
to do a lot more than dispose of un
lawful kegs and collect pellet guns,"
said McNemar. He insisted that a
full security team be put at the
Ragsdale House round the clock,
and a small department of Greens
boro police be installed on campus,
probably in the bottom floor of
Bryan.
After McNemar made his case,
President Rogers sighed and said,
"There ain't no way in hell, Don."
And with this sentiment, the future
president of Guilford turned in his
resignation over the phone. And as
Bill Rogers was taking down all the
necessary information, he began to
feel the leather of the new Lexus that
he would ask for to stay on at Guil
ford.
But just before Bill put on his
driving gloves, Don said, "Hey Bill,
I knew you North Carolina Quak
ers couldn't take a joke, I was just
sending you an April Fool's Day
present a little early. The joke is on
you."
Where can you get your seeds? There
will be an extensive seed bank set up in the
Bookstore where students will be able to
purchase seeds imported from Amsterdam,
Asia, and California. Speaking on the ba
sis of anonymity, one Senate member told
the Guilfordian that the seed
bank has existed since the late
60's and that the business has
secretly funded many of
Guilford's projects, such as
Serendipity and first-year ori
entation.
So, as I sit outside Founders
calmly twisting a joint before
class, 1 remember the stress
filled days of prohibition and
think of the newly emerging possibilities
that stretch before us like the eternal high
way. And now, as I light up and blow smoke
in the morning, envisioning my plants
straining towards the sunlight, I thank Guil
ford College. We can relax now—we've
found the shade. , \