Bauman declared a
national disaster area
During a visit to Guilford, President Clinton announces the deployment
of the National Guard to help counter "ungodly" new viruses.
KEIR BICKERSTAFFE
lord of funk
On Thursday, March 28, the
deadly Ebola virus made its worst
advance yet, as it transferred onto
the computers of the Bauman Tele
communications Center.
"This is just dreadful. The worst
thing ever to happen in the com
puting field—next to the emer
gence of Bill Gates as a sex sym
bol. And right here, in our Bauman.
Just awful," said Computer Ser
vices worker Teresa Sanford.
Fortunately, the virus loses its
biological powers when it enters
the computer system. However,
the end result is much worse... it
obtains a vicious sense of humor.
"I was just working on a paper
for my music class, comparing the
works of Schubert and Schumann.
When I printed out, all references
to Schubert's piano concertos were
replaced by references to Vanilla
Ice's "To the Extreme." This [vi
rus] is just inhuman," said first
year student John Cocking.
The Communitv Wreck-ord
the surreal, yet life-threatening tales of community senate
New identity statement
up for approval
In an effort to "shake things up," Senate
put together a new identity statement for
possible approval in May. Striving to inter
est the student body, the statement hails
Quakerism as "totally wack," and reveals
the true identity of the Board of Trustees—
all departed members of Menudo.
Pet policy to be
expanded in halls
Thanks to the Student Residence Com
mittee, there will be a alternative to gold
fish for dorm pets next year—llamas. The
decision to allow these friendly, furry guys
in the dorms has been met with campus
wide praise. Senate is now working out a
deal with local farmers to buy the 4 tons of
hay and grain necessary.
Student activity fees to
fund new organization
The motive of Budget Committee's pro
posal to raise student activity fees became
painfully apparent Wednesday as they
anounced their plans to donate the extra
If you have any comments or concerns, you should,
like, umm, do something about it.
April 1, 1996 s'old The Guilfordian
BB ■
-v *2O t Hk
PHAfI
BSi J&j m
A Bauman lab... on a good day...
And much to the chagrin of the
Guilford community, Ebola isn't
the only virus to have gone
"cyber." Other diseases include
syphilis, emphysema, and gingivi
tis. One can only imagine what
truly vicious effects these have on
unsuspecting Bauman occupants.
Gingivitis is one of the viruses
which has had the most success in
its transformation. It leaves a "hor
rible, horrible brownish goo" on
the base of the keyboard and moni-
money to the National Rifle Association.
One committee member was quoted as say
ing, "We Quakers need our guns."
Plans for Dana Lounge *
revealed
Weeks and weeks of breathless anticipa
tion ended this week when Senate announced
their plans for remodeling Dana Lounge—as
a state-of-the-art massage parlor. Senators
expressed a certain, umm, delight upon the
passage of the motion, stating that "it will be
a sincerely, umm, helpful step in increasing,
umm, enrollment. Yeah, enrollment."
MARKERS FOUND!
In a dramatic speech that left virtually all
Senators in tears, Wolf Melbourne announced
the recovery of the markers lost at the Stu
dent Loan Fund Auction. It seems that the
markers had fallen down a local well, and re
mained there without food and water for over
amonth. Local citizens became curious when
they smelled fumes emanating from the well.
The local fire department worked non-stop
for over a day, making sure the well did not
collapse on the markers. The markers are now
safe and sound in the Senate office.
tor, according to technical expert
Michael McGill, a leading expert
in the field of "cyborg'd viruses."
Unfortunately, there is, as yet,
no known cure for these viruses
other than the burning of Bill Gates
in effigy, which seems to placate
them for a short time. If you are
unfortunate enough to get such a
virus, McGill recommends that
you "bum Bill Gates dolls in shifts
around the clock, or nuke it from
orbit—the only way to be sure."
PLASMA
FOR
BOOKS !
Just come to the Underground
to meet the friendly folks of the N.C. No
Cross chapter. You'll receive a credit
of SIOO per pint. And please, leave
your garlic necklaces at home.
BThe Guilford College
00KST0RE
You re bloody right we 're good!
The Bookstore is not liable for any dizziness, nausea, fang marks, or tetanus incurred
• The Science Department in conjunction with
groundskeeping has proposed to use squirrels for dissec
tion instead of frogs in order to save money and curtail
the vast population of these rodents.
• The Quaker yearbook staff has just announced that
The Quaker from the school year '94-'95 will be avail
able in the year 2010. See you then.
• Monday night at 8 pm, all the computers in the Mac
lab were stolen. When questioned about what happened
Security officer Ben Dover said, "I saw some guys load
ing computers into a white truck, but there were two cars
parked illegally that I had to ticket."
• Due to recent damages incurred by ghosts in Dana
Auditorium, President Bill Rogers has contacted Dionne
Warwick and the Psychic Friends Network to investigate
the cause of the ghostly unrest.
• Leigh King
Sara Johnson
Credit card maxed out, checking
account empty and the parents
still fuming from the last time
you begged for cash?
No problem.
CAMPUS NEWC
in brIJ
3