Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / Sept. 19, 1997, edition 1 / Page 6
Part of The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / About this page
This page has errors
The date, title, or page description is wrong
This page has harmful content
This page contains sensitive or offensive material
6 It Came From the Video Store BY WILL DODSON Features Editor When I read the line "Fea turing hilarious cameos by rela tives of real movie stars," I thought Beach Babes From Be yond was going to be really bad. When I read that the cam eos were by Joe Esteves, Don Swayze, Joey Travolta, and Jaqueline Stallone, relatives of actors who aren't any good anyway (with the exception of John "Wel come Back, Kott e r " Travolta), I knew for sure it was going to be really bad. The movie begins with an intergalactic shower scene. I was hoping for something re ally cool like three breasts or two butts, but it seems alien females look ex actly like the extras in "Baywatch" who run every where, no matter how skimpy their thongs are. Three E.T. friends, Zena, Zula, and the ugly one, are spending the weekend at home alone. The parents have left the quadrant on a second honey moon. Side note: Don Swayze, who plays the alien dad, looks like a child molester. Just thought I'd let you know. The naughty girls decide to take daddy's hot rod spaceship, which looks exactly like a toy from a Happy Meal, and cruise for cute boys. Unfortunately, they crash land on a California beach. I say unfortunately because they land on the one beach in Cali fornia inhabited solely by very ugly people. The girls meet three ugly boys and have eleven nude scenes. I counted. Before they leave, the girls save the beach from an evil cor porate sleazeball who likes to have sex with ugly girls with plastic parts by entering a wet and wild bikini contest. Hurray for the half-naked alien girls. They saved the day. Our ugly beach can stay open. Overall, this movie really, really sucks. It did have some moments, like the 15-minute long scene in which the ugly people dance with the rhythm , . a Wr rm only tnis annoying because my parent's didn't let me play with G.I. Joes a thong girl with a big fat butt runs around. Beach movies normally don't have those. Fi nally, Jaqueline Stallone bears an uncanny resemblance to the greatest of all porn queens, Marilyn Chambers. The only problem is that she resembles Chambers the way she looks now, not the way she looked in the 1970'5. Rating: Waste your time not on this piddling piece of plastic-girl parading. Nobody even gets dismembered. P.S. People keep asking me where I find the movies I re view. Believe it or not, I get most at MOOVIES in Quaker Vil lage. "Street Trash" is in the Comedy section; "Franken hooker," "Mother's Day," "The Toxic Avenger," "Army of Dark ness," "Flesh Eating Mothers," and "Cemetery Man" are on the Employee Picks wall, because that's where I put them. "Three on a Meathook" is very hard to find in video stores but I have my own copy. See you next week. Features of Don Knotts to this song. I can't make out the words, but the chorus sounds like "Butt Cracks on the Beach." That makes sense, because all the females are wearing thongs and the camera guy seems to like that. Also, the director forgot to cut one scene in which Becca Lee The Dark Side BY LAURAH NORTON Features Columnist Welcome to my column. It's going to deal with music, strangeness and things in life that I find interesting. I'm also going to cover things that ap peal to students here. Even the hippie stuff. Well, maybe the hippie stuff. Iff Peace, love, and understanding to all my groovy sisters and brothers. This week, I want to talk about Star Wars. So Star Wars isn't Gothic or particularly de pressing. I still like it. It's pro vided me with hours of sitting in-a-diner-drinking-crappy-cof- fee-conversations with my friends. Anyway, Star Wars rules. Nothing else has come close. Think about it. There's indus trial ships, white plastic armor and face masks that look like the front end of a Cadillac. There's villains and slug crea tures and Boba Fett. And muppets! Anything with muppets is a winner look at Meet the Feebles. (Great movie. Nasty puppets. Rent it.) Besides, Star Wars has the best weapons. I'd love to have a light saber. I mean, despite the "This would look great on my hemp belt!" coolness quo tient, you could decapitate your roommate really easily. Some of my favorite mo ments in the Trilogy are: Prin cess Leia's hair/earmuffs, Luke Skywalker's dopey expression, Han Solo freeze-dried and sold to Jabba like a can of SPAM, and the Ewoks attempting to boil and eat the heroes. Actually, my only problem with Trilogy is the treatment of The Guilfordian September 19,1997 Chewbacca. He's obviously the best hero. But for some reason, his character development is limited. All we really know about him is that he has eight inch split ends. And although he rescues almost every cast member in the entire series, Chewie never gets any respect. Remember the scene where Leia gives Luke and Han medals and Chewie just stands there, embar rassed and alone? It's kind of de pressing. (Depress ing? Hey, that's pretty Gothic.) Despite bitterness over the Chewbacca issue, I still recom mend that you watch the Tril ogy over and over again, until you have the lines memorized and can make everyone angry at you by reciting along with the movies. You could watch Star Wars just to impress those sickly looking guys in X-Men shirts hanging out at comic book stores. However, I think that'd be a real waste (and kind of scary. Do you want to impress people whose ideal woman is She-Hulk?) Special effects aside, Star Wars has value because its interesting morals. I suggest you live by them. It should make for a... unique existence. Consider these examples: 1. Good conquers evil, at least when evil is a wrinkly, grandma-lookin' emperor. 2. Even if you're an old man, a good cod-piece and ven tilated helmet will force people to look up to you. Especially if you have the power to turn their spines to Jell-O with your mind. 3. Don't get too cozy with a girl you don't know. She might be your sister. And that's gross. Chris Carlstrom
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
Sept. 19, 1997, edition 1
6
Click "Submit" to request a review of this page. NCDHC staff will check .
0 / 75