Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / March 20, 1998, edition 1 / Page 10
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10 ~he X>ark Side: return of the zombies BY LAURAH NORTON Features Columnist Editor 's Note: Laurah has: taken the week off to mope and scare old people, so here's a repeat of one of her best. 1 "m pretty much obsessed with zom bies. (Suiprised? Didn't think so.) Es pecially zombie movies. There's just something about wandering corpses I Mk.: Brains for breakfast, brains for lunch, brains for dinner, brains for brunch, why can't we have some guts? Oi! PHOTO BY AMY ROUSE wreaking havoc on hapless townsfolk that puts a huge grin on my face. You may think that there's not a heck of a lot that I can say about them the walking dead are generally not known for their com plexity. Oh, ye of little faith. Just wait. I have detailed plans drawn up (I Campus Candid Daniel's shirt says 'Recovering Slut.' That's funny. PHOTO BY AMY ROUSE Features have no life), so that I can combat any zombies that happen to show up in 'Sce nic Greensboro " (Ever notice that zom bies never show up in interesting towns?) The details of my plan aren't important; ill 1 need say is that if you ever see a zcMnbie wandering about our campus, treading on our tumorous squirrels and bumping into our clearly labeled trees, find me. Find me quickly. It's easy to spot a -i zombie. They smell like the 3rd floor bathroom in Binford, and are the only ones on campus not wear ing hemp jewelry. Flesh hangs from their faces, flu ids ooze from every orifice, and various body parts fall off at random. How ap petizing Zombies as vil lains are pretty straightfor ward: they like to eat hu man brains, in large quan tities. Walking corpses are slow and can't outwit you, but they're really persistent (goes back to the hunger for vital organs) which makes them dangerous. As we've seen in such cinematic classics as Night of the Living Dead, zombies really freak people out. I think this is stupid. Once you get past the rot ting flesh factor, the living dead are easy enough to deal with. To kill them, you have to crack their heads open the method ain't important. Zombies work in cooperative com munities (and by consensus). See, one cannibalistic corpse on its own isn't much of a threat, you have to confuse the crea ture and whack it on the head with a shovel. But forty of the walking undead° They work together It's a whole new ball game. Zombies generally arise from their graves in cemeteries where scantily clad coeds are enacting magical rites (or drink ing beer). They do this because the coeds are generally woozy from all the booze and the excessive showering scenes. The girls A MESSAGf TO READERS OF #/// DANG£*: /weu-o! J'M OIH7\ / OURO, &UTUFORO \ ' ART MAJOR AAJP \ AUTHOR OF LOLTT ?£COVD - 60TI&E&AV COMIC 61'&IP, "CMP PM6& SW&GIR )I'M SOZRY TO REPORT TMA7tf IMPEND TNB DFAPUH£ OF R*V STUIOR AM THESIS HAS MAO= . /t IMPO&I&LE 10 I K££P l/P &/P \ PANUZ'S WEEZI* \ QCMEDJLC x wiu, I FINISU INE 1 AMD 7H£ COMIC I C£>U£CLIC*I OF ALL TH PARTS WIU, L Bf EMS \ 7HIS SuMMge. 7WO9F (A/FTCGG A S/MJ'UP 5H007 (KIIUE INP> OES# IF >?J WOOP Ufcg" A COPY 7& >odCf2 FOZP&HVH? Amd POSRME) PLUS, I WIU, MAW? SJ& PUWTV OF COPIES APE IN -RUE 6&X-9l*£ UEN FALL■ AOMM\LVI, 1 WILL PVTA FETU IKI IHS U&PA& SOVJU CMJ g£AO It (CH&E&MES)- THAW* YdU N/02V MCH T0 7Mc QT\LFOEA**J NJO ALL OF \ VflO W/HO'v/f KAC 7WF \ OXC -THIS V£A2. I 1 HOpt VW'U- 1 1 AEOUAJD #>2 I I TH£ "7 H&UAHTO I | a*iaoo*J6 / I or r/y/r- PAMPER \PAEEP£Y/L STVW£T?!J J scream, trip, and bump into things with their silicone implants. They have abso lutely no common sense. If one did, she'd pick up the nearest blunt, dull object (prob ably her boyfriend) and beat the zombies' heads in. Instead, they get freaked out and lay on the ground, shrieking "Don't eat me!" It's sad, really. Now, you're all probably shaking your heads at this point. "Poor girl. There's no such thing as zombies. All that eyeliner must be seeping into her brain." Go ahead Laugh. But when the walking dead show up at Guilford, you better make sure you're with me. I'm prepared. The Guilfordian March 20,1998
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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March 20, 1998, edition 1
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