Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / March 27, 1998, edition 1 / Page 11
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10 IHe Side: technological revolution BY LAURAH NORTON Features Columnist I fear technology. It's the source of all pain and suffering. Blood-thirsty robots, evil mechanized m Ofv'S - ■ *"* Pencils fear me, as do small dogs. PHOTO BY AMY ROUSE arms. Smart Cards. Nintendo Gamcboys™—whatever. I have very bad luck with any/all high-tech computerized objects. Actually, I have bad luck with anything that has moving parts or is made out of metal. I can't even play with an Etch-a- Skctch without sustaining serious in juries. This ain't paranoia, folks. Tech nology, as we have seen in countless cinematic classics (and movies are just as good as real life), invariably leads to Armageddon and general Campus Candid £ 4 lHftlL U ! l ' I™!!ll^BP^i§^ ' ySffm ,:ijfjk H • "' _?£, The new UNION officers appreciate your vote. Next year's Serendipity will feature Michael Flatley. That'll be sure to vault us back into the top 10 party schools in the country. God help us all. PHOTO BY AMY ROUSE Features mass destruction. Think Terminator. Think 2001. Think Short Circuit. You shouldn't build things that can maim/kill/annoy you. I buv into this theory wholeheartedly. It doesn't matter what form technology comes in—all of it is evil. EVIL. There's no real difference between the stealth bomber and a stapler; they're both made of confusing metal stuff and can make you bleed. Profusely. Cars are particu larly frightening cre ations (or as I like to call them. Violent Death on Wheels). 1 only have an automobile "cause it would be real boring to speed-walk back to Atlanta every Thanksgiving The first car I ever owned hated me (don't know what kind. It was black, and had wheels and stuff ). It seemed to be pos sessed by ill-tempered demons with cramps, and tried to kill mc on sev eral occasions. "Hell-car" broke down only on frigid winter nights on rural Deliv- erance-e sque stretches of highways. The radio only worked after 4:00 (I swear), there was no air-condition ing, and heavy metal pieces fell off at random. As a crowning glory, the trunk was tied to the muffler with humongous cables to keep it shut (in stant hoopty-hydraulics), and I had to blast the doorlocks with a hair dryer every winter to get them open. Fun! The blasted thing finally com mitted suicide on 1-85 at 3 a.m. It exploded while I was driving (always unnerving to notice you're on fire) through the most conservative area /V/[ AS WARMER 04 >5 RETURNED, J SUPPOSE /T SHOULDN'T HME PERRJ WAS JUST A YEARUNB. &I>7 [*FL SURPR/SEP ME THAT WE'D SEE OTUFR SQUIRRELS MORE OF FAT SHE CAIO JUMP LLKE A C-FIASSHOFTFR, ID OR THAT CHIP M/6HT &EFRIENP SOME OF THEM- SHE MUST HAVE BEEN PART CHICKAREP, IF'IT 7 FT n - &ECAVSE SHE HAP A REVPISH JL ,\->AT E-EAU7I^T'^U^ NOFARS GM 5 1O T NT, UKE HER P BIN 2 'MANAC-EO THA I IF IS &QARPEP MP JEAIQUS. DU&IOOS ACHIEVEMENT QUITE UJEU. XH£R£ WER£ OTHERS, TOO. &US (~T |'| i,I ,i , i | BM| B| WM II Ml l 111 LVAS A &RAY SQUIRREL WITH THEM\ FOLLOWED CHIP UP MY FEAR OF A SUE>HI G-ANPULAR F&>ET& ■ r & BRICK. FALUNG.ORMAT 1 ffV T ALWAYS REFUSED v—v 'l, I THEIR IMITATIONS. A 1 MUCMVHE OUT itifA U. laEUH JJSKT / Y 11. I ' MS IBESICTS [\(J 1/1 WV L l ', > -'—CMLPBNO SANFORD) THAI 2 WAS V 7 (A \SV l_J RELUCTANT TO REVOIN THE GROUP / 77 -J HAI BE APART OF ME WAS E\ EN ' I — AFRMD Kmc NOT WANT ME. SONJA N/AS A BLACK SQUIRREL ■ - .f ✓, l 1/ a//>5 A 'SECRET I WHO'D &EEN TRANSPORTED AS PAP 7 /TO — 1 I I KEPT-EVE* OF A MLOLLFE RESEARCH PROJECT AMD • U '. / ' I | FROM UNCEREMONIOUSLY RELEASED SOON AFTER - / - I * HI X* ST FAD OF OOIN/N& THE OTH£RS\ T "^ L ' CHIP RR ' EP AJT . /...YOU U\J£ IN A LITTLE \ X SPENT MORE ANP MORE T/HE /N / M-'RE GOIN& >V / SVBBL£ WHERE NOTHING ) SAN FORDS LAB X CONVINCED / 75 THE STREAM \ AN HAX M YOU! MYSELF, IF NOT CHIP, THAT MY ITO3UMP OFF A RNER- \ > WELL, THERE'S R£M- \ COWARDICE WAS PRUDENCE AND MY BIRCH- WHY DON T YOU | / -DANGER OUT THERE, CHIP! ) 7LMP \TWN6SJHAT CAN KILL YOU' K f, Javr TAJ.F HBHBHtewBHHBHBHBI " I g4.ix MORPS, ,SOH.'. ) X THINK. THAT MOMENT MAS THE CLOSEST CHIP EVER CAME TO &EINC, TRULY AN&RY WITH ME- HE GRABBED MY SHOULDERS, ANP SAJP ■T YOJ'RE RJGHT. ARTHUR- IF YOU GO OUT WITH ME ANDSONJA WM WANT &US AND PERRI, YOUMH>HT GET HURT. ..BLTTEUEN IF you WN£\EX CL/MB MOTHER TREE, OR JUMP OFF A ROOF, OS RUN FAS 7 ANPB I LEAP OFF A BRANCH, EVEN /F YOU NEVER OPEAJ AJVO \BOOK OR. SPEAK TC MYONE EVER A&AIM, THERE IS I NOTHING YOU WILL EVER PO THAT WILL KEEP ■ YOU FROM ENO.'NG UP of town. Stupid car. The moral of this story? Com plicated metal stuff always leads to destruction and second-degree burns. Another case of nefarious technol ogy. Maybe we should all use nice plastic things that don't have deto nators, flashing lights, or a proclivity for spontaneously bursting into flame. Like Big wheels. Big Wheels are nice. They're stylish, won't catch on fire or and don't have any sharp edges that can gouge your eyes out. That's traveling in style. The Guilfordian March 27,1998
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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March 27, 1998, edition 1
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