Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / Nov. 13, 1998, edition 1 / Page 15
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10 JT QAME Vimv Stprs By Will Dodson FEATURES COLUMNIST To me, there's only one thing funnier than nubile teen agers being chopped to bits while having premarital sexual rela- MATT ZUEHLKE I watch Richard Simmons infomercials just to see those voluptous vixens shake as they sweat to the oldies. tions: Fat kids. Holy God, they're funny. Like when they go to J.C. Penney's for clothes, and they have to get "Husky" sizes, and their mothers buy them overalls, and they whine about how uncool overalls are. Coffee, cont'd from page 9 stract and artistic. You are very likely to overhear neo beatniks exchanging poetry. Again, the prices here were more appropriate for college students with a large flavored coffee costing $1.75. Yet another perfectly good alternative to cafeteria coffee lies right under our noses. Carolina Coffee is a coffee shop and bookstore that offers a "STUNNING!" "NOT TO BE MISSED!" Ji^Tl •RICHARD CORLISS, lIME MAGAZINE -OAVID ANSEN. NEWSWEEK Ma Vie En Rose JCSJ teS'l tm/ m wpiaML Jtm FILM Jf g y BEKLJN€# Wednesday, November 18th Leak Room, 8:30 p.m. Features Osh-Kosh B'Gosh, Chunky. So these human weeble wobbles in overalls go to middle school, and they really get it from their peers. They hear taunts like "Hey, fat boy!" and "Hey, you dumb fat boy!" Thank goodness is nearly as bad —mega-wedgies. Husky kids just can't win. The most humiliating tor ture fat kids have to endure is, of course, fat camp. Do you think being around other calorically challenged hot-dog fiends makes unique charm and a great cup of joe. A large vanilla flavored coffee is $1.25. The shop offers Internet access and shares space with The Book Rack, a small and inviting used book store; So to rekindle your energy and restore your warmth in the dreary winter months ahead, grab a few bucks and a friend and head to the Java joint of your choice. them feel better? Fat camp is like a circus freak show, except instead of the dog boy and the Siamese twins, you get fat boy and fatter boy. I watched a fat camp movie this week. It's called Heavy weights and it covers a weighty, moral issue. Is it okay for fitness gurus to exploit fat kids in order to make the world's most popu lar weight-loss infomercial? Ben Stiller stars as an unbalanced ex ercise freak (as if any exercise freak could be referred to as "bal anced") who plans to force these poor chubsters to shed the pounds. This ain't sweatin' to the oldies, folks, this is real horror. These kids are forced to jog and diet and other insanities. Worse yet, their counselors are German. they can drown themselves in their lunchboxes full of Ho-Ho's and Ding-Dongs or their self-es teems would really suffer. Kids are cruel to each other, let's face it. Even if one of these puff daddies man age to lose the overalls, they have to wear sweatpants. Most of them avoid the dreaded "pantsing" by pulling the sweats up over their bellies and tying the drawstring in a triple-knot. Unfortunately, the side effect Can you imagine exercising while being screamed at by some blond with huge nipples in biker shorts named Lars? Seriously, these nipples are bigger than Volkswagens. Not the beetles, the buses. Abso lutely gigantic. Anyway, Stiller wears headbands and does tai chi. He's A P"**MPMODD RELATIONSHIP WITH |A 7" OTHER TIMES, HE COULP BE % W HUMANS. SOMETIMES HE WAS VERY RATHER. ANTAGONISTIC V THE STORY oFI , INTERESTED INTHEIRACTWLTIES... / BOMBS \ lp DAREDEVIL SQUIRREL \ \ •' * 4 L^^MB r r W4S CHIP WHO FIRST EXPLAINED TO BTJT WHETHER CURIOUS OR \THERE WAS THIS ONE OUT WHO ME THAT WE LMEP ONACCUUICAMPUS ADVERSARIAL TOWARD HUMANS, OFTEN SAT ON A BENCH AMP HE LEARNEP IT FROM SANFORPLWHOM CMP ABSOLUTELY REFUSEP TO FEP PEANUTS TO THE SQUIRRELS J STLLLLEFEREP TDAS'THEMSMBiELI BE CODJEP 3Y THEM. ON THE LAWN. y-fl- II B F —X ( MI") ■ ■mzrm TN. .1 / PEANUTS ARE A LOUSY SOURCE OF Ml \ |\ \ NUTRITION FOR SQUIRRELS, BUT THEY CHIP WOULP SIT OUTSIPE CLASS- V J 1\ 1 TASTEKINP OFQOOP, SO CHIP VOLV/U --ROOMS FOR HOURS, STRAINING TO -v * I ) J TEEREP TO GET US A FEW. HE FEIGNED UNDERSTAND THE p/SCUSS/ON WffHlN. 2. U / f// TREPIDATIONANP CREPT UP TO THE OUT. BUT THE GUY WOULDN'T TOSS \OUT WHEN CHIP CAME BACK TO CHIP AFFROACHEP THE TWO ON THE HIM A PEANUT, SO CHIP SLOWLY THE TRUNK. (WHERE 1 WAITEP BENCH, AGAIN PRETENDING TO BE CUMBED UP THE GUI'S LEB AND FOR HIM). WE REAUZEP HE'P CAUTIOUS. ABA/N, THE GUY LUXWVT TOOK IT FROM HIS HANP. BEEN GtvEN AN EMPTY ShELL. OWE HIM A PEANUT UNTIL HE —"— CUMS£P l/PO * >H ' S I 1 ( CHIP TOOK ThE FEWVTiAVOTHtR 12 - EMPTY SHEU-1 THEM TURNED BACK I" AAJP GAVE ME A MNK. HE L.OOKEP UP AT THE GUY ~~~~ WEST OF ALL, WHEN THE GUY JUMPED WITH HIS BEST "CUTE iNOOP- ' V UP SCREAMING, THE PEANUTS FLEW OUT LANP CREATURE" EY£s... | _ OF THE BAO ANP ONTO THE GROUND. WE RETRIEVED ML OF^ y f£> TW$ DAY, I ASSOCIATE THE VV V /JY FS F SS TASTE OF PEANUTS WTH PNNFUL L \\ //I yyv STOMACH CRAMPS' NOT FROM EAT INC, NJJKKAW 'VX JY/ TOO MANY PEANUTS,BUT FROM BHBHWJ .- ■ AND P££T> ON HTM. LAUGHING SO DAMN HARP. THEGUILFORDIAN NOVEMBER 1 3, 1 998 all messed up. Finally the kids decide they can't take it anymore and revolt. Long story short, they imprison Stiller and the well toned Aryans and then have a celebration. It really warms the heart to witness the camp-wide junk food binge that consummates the tri umph of the oppressed. Lesson: fat kids are people too, and we have no right to encourage them to go easy on the Milky Ways. That would damage their self-im age. * * * I was at work the other day, and this fat kid wobbled in with his mom. He shuffled to the candy rack, grabbed some choco late, smeared it all over his face, and started rolling around in the floor, gurgling. His ketchup stained shirt rose up to his neck, exposing the drawstring of his pea soup green sweatpants pulled up to his ample breasts. His mother winked at me and said, "Isn't he a cutie?" Thanks to Heavyweights, I know how to say "Gosh, ma'am, he sure is."
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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Nov. 13, 1998, edition 1
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