10
Judßoard cont'd from page 9
probation, be given comraunity
service, or even worse, be sus
pended or expelled.
Final Break while the Judi
cial Board deliberates on an ap
propriate sanction
5:59 p.m. Finally, you are
called back into the room. The
waiting is over, but your stomach
is still churning almost as badly
as it was the Friday morning you
woke up after your 21st birthday.
This time, though, it is all nerves.
6:01 p.m. The charges
against you are read one final
time. The facilitator glances up
at you, indicating that your full
attention is now needed. "The
Board has come to agreement by
consensus that the following
sanctions be imposed:
1. Disciplinary probation
through the 1999-2000 school year
2. Ten hours of service
through helping the housekeep
ing staff clean Bryan Hall. The
hours must be worked off at the
staffs convenience and must be
completed by May 9, 1999.
3. A written letter of apol
ogy to your R.A. for all of the
charges he has had to bring
against you.
4. Finally, we, as a Board
would like to suggest that you
seek help for both alcohol depen
dence and anger management.
We would also like to urge you
to think next time about the con
sequences of your actions,
strongly weighing the fact that
being on disciplinary probation
means that if at any time before
May of 2000 you are brought be
fore the Board again, you will be
subject to academic suspension
or dismissal from the college.
We hope that you have learned
from your mistakes, and we en
courage you to act responsibly in
the future.
We assure you that the
Board will hold all matters and
fact of this case in the strictest
confidence and that all decisions
have been made fair and in an
unbiased manner. We thank ev
eryone involved for their time
and patience. This Judicial Board
hearing is now adjourned."
6:06 p.m. You are relieved
that this case is over and shrug
your shoulders as if to shake the
anticipation away. Fully aware
of how close you just came to
finding yourself in severe
trouble, you vow to yourself to
never come near that situation
again.
Your judicial advisor shakes
your hand and tells you that he
will give you a copy of the sanc
tions by Friday. Sweat trickles
down your forehead as you walk
down the stairs of the building
and towards your dorm where
you intend to make a fresh start.
Features
Personals
By Gigi Burkhalter
FEATURES COLUMNIST
•Ex white house intern seek
ing new employer who greatly
enjoys flavored cigars.
•5.11.M from West Virginia
seeking own brother for a good
time.
•S.X.F who is an asshole seek
ing submissive S.P.M
•S.Z.M seeking tyrannical
bitch to beat and play tennis
with penis.
•Fun-loving S.G.M seeking
S.J.M to experiment with
sexual positions.
•S.W.F seeking F with 6 toes,
hazel eyes, and brown hair cut
in diagonal layers from left to
right to join in dinners along
the coast wearing a sort of or
ange-brown dress that goes to
the ankles and has spaghetti
straps that are crossed in the
back and brown, leather san
dals with 1.5 inch heels.
•S.B.M seeking a strong
woman who can bench-press
153.7 pounds while licking
chocolate syrup off her stomach.
Apply to
be the
editor of
the
Lighthouse
for the
1999-2000
school year!
Applications available at the Info desk.
'I Li# Tot- I
J
Four Seasons Town Centre
is looking for friendly,
enthusiastic, self-motivated
applicants for full-time,
part-time, and seasonal
sales associate positions.
Competitive salary,
flexible scheduling, and
pleasant atmosphere.
Please apply in person.
•S.F.M seeking your mom.
Last seen purchasing super
plus, economy pack of sanitary
napkins at precisely at 3:11
a.m. last Tuesday wearing
black stilettos and dressed
like a whore.
•70 year old F looking for
hairy, male companion with
floppy ears. Must enjoy get
Abbreviation Chart
F = female
M = male
S= single
R = redneck
B = the color of a blue fish in dirty pond water
C = fluorescent clear
D = the color of coffee and nicotine-stained teeth
E = phlegm colored
G = the color of green, fuzzy mold
J = the color of garbage juice
P = the color of burnt paper
U = the color of toilet bowl water, unflushed
W = the color of what a wet dog smells like
X = the color of tuna fish half way digested
Z = color of a 23-day old, half-eaten banana
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llil ill II 1.11, I HOLE IN MY LIFE LEFT BY CHIP, THESE IWN6S FOR. M>S€LF, X
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THE GUILFORDIAN
APRIL 1 6, 1 999
ting newspaper, getting a belb
scratch, meat, chasing cars
and going on long walks.
•S.D.F seeking eccentri
crackheads who live in apart
ments and enjoy nuts on thei]
chin.
•S.U.M with small case of her
pes and lopsided testicle:
seeking S.C.F who greatly en
joys hanging out in bushe;
with beautiful pink blossoms