Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / March 23, 2001, edition 1 / Page 6
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Page 4 The View from the Crackden Katie Elliott FEATURES COLUMNIST I've been staring at people's butts all week. No, no . . . Don't leap to conclusions ... I haven't been staring at them sexually. Not a drop of drool has slipped from my mouth. Far from it. I've been look ing at them in a scientific manner, trying to deci pher the psychology of the derriere. For your butt re flects upon your person ality far more than you could ever know. (Obvi ously, I suppose. It's not as if you can really study your own butt. At least, not without a pretty intricate mir ror setup and some hardcore neck straining . . .) Seriously, though, your butt is an expres sion of your personality that's out there for the whole world to see. It is the physical and visual manifestation of what you thought was your most in timate, innermost self. Don't believe me, huh? Well I can't say I blame you. It sounds rather farfetched, I know. But I'm not just talking out of my butt, I swear. Just read on, and I'm sure you'll be convinced. (I should note, however, that these interpre tations are derived from my own experience and observa tions and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs of all ex perts in the field.) A small, round, perky butt, for example, often de notes an outgoing, bubbly per sonality. The owner of this type of butt usually laughs a lot, is friendly and somewhat bouncy, and, in some cases, may be almost annoyingly happy. A large, voluptuous der riere typically indicates an in dulgent personality. One of ten finds a very generous per son sharing a body with this type of butt, a person who ap preciates quality in all things and one wht> is particularly sensitive to others. ► This ar .i ft chetypal buitt often jindioajtes a melodramatic personality, a person who is comfortable features f1 i I .'.V wk mk- sU"' Ini tSH fi f I gyrei,-jfc. p**' JF' ■ I WIS ? fl ]EL* gt- m&. mmw? 188 H WW BV • IS'• h 1: m m mim /} Is ~ ; k i t ** it^ 7 ' H I/I r J_ i *s?Br. 9 ~ | M JKJBT |P ' .' BW with him/herself, but one who often lets her emotions over flow, sometimes obscuring those of otherß. Though this butt is often associated with lazy people, that can be an amazingly misleading miscon ception; many times it reflects a great ambition on the owner's part. Another notorious type of rear end is the small, taut, well-kept butt. Across the boards, this indicates a proud, hardworking person, one who often tends to be overly re served with their emotions. Though this butt often denotes ambition as well, it can also manifest the owner's half-hid den feelings of discontent or lack of control. Perhaps the most diffi cult type to read is the infa mous flat butt. Often referred to as buttless, these people may suffer from feelings of in feriority or resentment. More commonly however, it signifies a stoic, reserved personality, mirroring its owner's tight self-control. This person is typically "down to earth," pos sessing few indulgent flights of the imagination, though on occasion, they may loosen their firm grasp on reality for a short time. Have you discovered your own category from this cursory overview of several archetypal *sses?, Where does your butt fall? A suggestion, however ... Because of the sheer.physi- The Guilfordian cal difficulty of carefully view ing your own butt, you may want to ask a friend to study it for you. Once you and your butt buddy have become ad equately familiar with each others' rear ends, you should attempt to decipher the mes sages they send. Delve deep. What shape is it? How much do you try to control it? What size is it, and are you happy with that or not? Another crucial point with which one must come to terms is this control issue. Do you try to force your butt to conform to society's standards of what is and isn't fashion able? How much do you feel you must cover your butt to suit other's expectations? "Tis a pleasure indeed to see oneself in print." Want a hands-on introduction to journalism? Take English 282 in the fall You will be part of the Guilfordian staff. Class meets Tuesdays and Thursdays at 2:10, with a half hour Guilfordian staff meeting on Mondays at 7: 30 p.m. ~ No experience needed • M •i'M l ji UUii Uuitl ——— M I—ll il*i ■ji .—? .1 i ii*il 't ' ' ■ 1 .i 7'* 1 * March 23, 2001 Would you feel of fended if someone commented on your buttocks? (Urn, I hope that last answer is a 'no,' or I'm gonna get hate mail . . .) In short, kiddos, it pays to study your butt. You need to get up close and personal with something you're so attached to. Body lan guage, my *ss; you'll never know what you're telling obser vant people in butt language if you don't take the time to really get acquainted with your bodily partner. COURTESY OF KATIE ELLIOTT And who knows what kind of far-reaching effects this *ss liberation could have? As Amanda Wheeler, a fellow butt devotee and widely renowned rear end expert, stated, "I think that everyone should develop a better rela tionship with their butt. It would solve a lot of deep soci etal problems." Join us in our quest for better butt-human relation ships. Who would've thought your butt could change the world? Oh, but it can! (And no, I absolutely refuse to claim that pun . . .) So, please, kids, learn about your rear ends; learn about yourselves. You'll be better off because of it, I swear. Nope—don't argue. I'll accept no ifs, ands, or ... .
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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March 23, 2001, edition 1
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