Page 2
Porn downloads cripple network
Zack Hample
STJUT WRITER
After receiving many com
plaints last week from students
who were unable to access the
Internet and their Lotus Notes
accounts, IT&S released an of
ficial statement claiming that
the problem is due to "under
sexed perverts excessively
viewing and downloading por
M I
Stuart Ringwalt, a junior, and Amanda Wheeler, a
sophomore, help to clog the network by down
loading full-length porn movies while' 'working'' at
the circulation desk of the library.
Week At Guilford
Friday. .March 30th
1 p.m. Giant orgy (Founders Lobby)
5 p.m. Keg-stand contest, open to anyone
over 12-years of age (a football
suite in Bryan)
G p.m. "Food" in the Cat
8 p.m. Union event that no one w ill attend
Saturday, March 31st
1 p.m. Men's "Baseball " vs. A Much Better
Team
Nightlife NOTHING (nowhere)
Sunday, April Ist
8 p.m. "The Simpsons" on FOX (your TV)
Midnight Start writing the paper that is due
in nine hours. 55 minutes (Bauman)
Monday, April 2nd
7:30 p.m. The Ciuilfordiaii sponsors unlimited
free -Guinness-beer-night-if-you-w rite
a-semi-legible-article (Alisons room)
Tuesday, April 3rd
8 p.m. Generic speaker on some issue of "vi
tal importance (that new auditorium
in Frank -- whatever it's called)
Wednesday. April 4th
3:30 p.m. Weed nite, sponsored by Outdoors
Club (The Pines)
Thursday, April sth
7 p.m. - 12 a.m. Scrabble (who the hell would play
Scrabble for five straight hours?!)
8 p.m. Coffeehouse, yet again, without coffee
(Underground)
8 p.m. Singer/Actress Jennifer Lopez speaks
on "Fat asses and how to cope with
having one" (Puffy's bedroom)
Snooze
nographic material."
Director of IT&S Rob
Whitnell explained that
"Guilford's crappy Internet con
nection is slowing down because
people are using Bauman to
download full-length movies to
their share-spaces and tapping
into live webcasts from Mary
Hobbs...to put it in perspective,
the problem we faced with
Napster was nothing compared
to this."
As a result, pro
crastinators all over
campus, crippled
with the fear that
they won't be able to
do their last-minute
online research, is
sued a plea for help.
IT&S and campus
security responded
promptly by institut
ing a mandatory
"buddy system,"
making it illegal to
be in Bauman alone.
ZACK HAMPLE
The Goofordian
I' m&E -iz
I tk' jf Hp^B
porn sites when she's rotswiphg Smart cards.
Violators will face
judicial charges and be forced to
look at naked pictures of the
women's rugby team.
"We had to do this," said di
rector of security Sylvia
Chilcott. "I looked at the list of
porn sites
that people
have vis
ited, uh, as
part of my
job, of
course,
and, well,
people are
into some
freaky
[expletive
deleted]."
Chilcott
mentioned
a few of the popular sites, such
as www.silentmeeti.ng
orgy.com, www.kinky
consensus.com, and
www.barely-legal-petite
shem ale-quaker
cheerleaders.org.
In addition, certain "ma
ture/older" sites have been re
ceiving hits, indicating that
members of the faculty are also
to blame.
While the fight against porn
continues, administrative sup
port for porn on campus is
steadily increasing because of
nl i * I m * I
rm* m *m m 1 . •
Mr ' r**
I ■ mm
mm
Greg Keener, office assistant fa student activities
and events planning when he isn't looking up
phone numbers or answering questions at the info
desk, gawks at naked people.
If you're as dumb as, say, the president of this country, we
would like to kindly remind you that this is The Goofordian , not
The GuUfordian . This, of course, means that all Goofordian ar
ticles have no factual merit, and are simply an attempt to make you
laugh. We intend no harm to anyone mentioned herein. By the
way, if you had to read this in order to know that, you're an idiot.
It's Serendipity: do you know where your substances are?
■, h( "• Si
■
Even Jeff Jeske, Guilfordian faculty advisor and
English department professor, isn't always
typing.
March 30, 2001
the determined efforts
of the director of cam
pus ministries, Max
Carter.
"To hell with the
first amendment,"
said Carter. "The issue
is that porn is a funda
mental part of a well
rounded college expe
rience. We should sup
port it and be thankful
that it is available
ZACK HAMPLE
there are starving kids
in third-world countries who
would kill for the chance to
download porn."
Carter's new committee,
P.E.N.I.S. (Protecting the Enjoy
ment of Nutritious Internet
Sex), has already organized a
take place in Boren Lounge next
Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. "We
must hold P.E.N.I.S. in the
light," said Carter.
But two recent scandals in
volving porn have put a damper
on the efforts of P.E.N.I.S. First,
someone hacked into the
Guilford web site and replaced
all the links with shortcuts to
free adult sites. Two days later,
a group of pranksters stuffed
titty pictures into the yearbook's
campus candids box at
the Info Desk.
Director of the Career De-
velopment Center
Irene Harrington ex
pressed her concern
for this mischief when
she said, "First we're a
pot school, and now
we're a porn school
what will employers
think when they see
'Guilford' on the
resumes of our gradu
ates?"
ZACK HAMPLE
panel dis
cuss i on
called
"Porn &
Quaker
ism: Striv
ing for a
Healthy
Coexist
ence,"
which is
open to
the com
mun i t y
and will
ZACK HAMPLE