March 30, 2001
Beyond the Scoreboard:
Updates, anecdotes, and musings from the World of Guilford
College sports
James E. Tatum
PRETENTIOUS SNOT
Jordan Joins Quakers for
Run at Title
NBA veteran Michael Jordan
announced in a surprise press con
ference Wednesday that he will
quit his consulting job with the
Washington Wizards and return to
his North Carolina basketball
roots, playing hoops for the
Guilford College Quakers.
"After careful deliberation
and many long meetings with [team
owner Abe Pollin], I've decided to
flee the Wizards' organization be
fore the cursed franchise is sucked
into a black hole," Jordan said.
Jordan expressed a desire to
reassociate himself with a winning
basketball tradition, an objective
he feels can best be accomplished
at Guilford College.
"Did you see the display of
school spirit at the NCAA tourna
ment opener?" asked Jordan. "Any
school capable of that performance
by its fans has good times in its fu
ture."
Jordan went on to note that
numerous college players had gone
on to play professional ball, "but as
far as I know, no professional bas
ketball player has ever returned
to win a NCAA Division 111 title."
"I am proud to enter a pro
gram that set so many school
records this year," he added.
WTien a Guilfordian reporter
pointed out that it was in fact the
Women's Basketball team that
made the NCAA Tournament this
past season, Jordan did not appear
discouraged.
"Larry Johnson gets extra
playtime as Grand-Ma Ma," Jordan
noted. "This will simply give me a
chance to get in touch with my
feminine side, Michelle."
Jordan then announced that
he would be unveiling his female
alter-ego at this weekend's Seren
dipity drag show.
Fiske's Guide to Colleges
rates Guilford's athletic facili
ties "among best in Nation"
The prestigious Fiske's Guide
to Colleges cited Guilford College's
athletic facilities as "among the
best facilities at any college
throughout the nation."
The guide made special men
tion of the school's "state-of-the-art
quetball courts and spacious
weight room."
First-Year Bettina Simpson
applauded Fiske's Guide for recog
nizing a weight room that she be
lieves is the cornerstone of her
Guilford education.
Sports
"Four years from now when I
enter the workforce," notes
Simpson, "potential employers will
just think of me as another college
grad with a silly liberal-arts de
gree that 'teaches me how to think
and adapt in changing environ
ments.' That is, they will view me
that way until they see my nicely
developed muscle-tone. That will
make the difference in my future
career success."
"The college needs to stop
worrying so much about academ
ics and start focusing on its over
all image," she added.
Junior Richard Dent agrees
that the athletic facilities played a
crucial role in his decision to at
tend the college.
"I was testing out the racquet
ball courts during my college visit
when the floor squealed in a way
that convinced me I was about to
plunge through the wooden planks
into the basement below. It was
then that I knew this was the right
college for me."
Editor Complains Section
"Too Popular Among Writers"
Guilfordian sports editor
James Tatum expressed frustra
tion Tuesday night over the
plethora of Guilfordian
staffwriters eager to contribute to
his section.
"So many people want to write
for me. I never get to write any
thing myself anymore," noted
Tatum, while sorting through a
week's worth of entries.
"Also, I never have the thrill
of racing against a deadline," he
added. "Just once I'd like some
one to say they were going to write
for me and then not turn their story
in, leaving me to scramble and gen
erate space-filler at the last pos
sible moment."
Tatum is not alone in his senti
ments.
"Let me try and be creative!"
complains sports layout man
Daniel Worrall.
"I always have so many sto
ries with so much text to deal with
that I never get to flex my Adobe
PageMaker skills," Worrall added.
Got an interesting story idea or
anecdote for Beyond the Scoreboard.
Don't call us, well call you.
If you must submit a story, tie it
to a softball-sized rock, clip on a ten
dollar bill and place it behind one of
the commodes in the basement men's
room of the library between the hours
of 4:00 and 6:00 a.m., Monday to Fri
day.
Including a credit card number
increases your chances of having
your story appear above the fold —
more so if the n u in ber is for Bill Gates.
The Goofordian
This Week In:
Guilford College Sports
Sporting Events You Plan to Attend:
Friday, March 30
1:00 p.m.
Saturday, March 31
Noon
Sunday, April 1
4:00 p.m.
Tuesday, April 3
Friday, April 6
4:00 a.m.
Satruday, April 7
May 1-31
Fall 2001
Rest of Your Life
The Afterlife
Page 16