The Side
Danger Nose No Bounds
Amanda Wheeler
FEATURES EDITOR
What do you get if you cross two of
Americas favorite pastimes, noee-pickingand
dming?
Thats light, folks: a dangerous situ
ation.
People do
btsofthings
1 vv hile driv
hawaflseen
THM them - the
] putter-criers,
iec ' anoers >
operatics,
the leaders, the child-spankers, the cigarette
lighters, thepizza man, the 105t... Andcharces
are we are all guilty of the most horrid and
risky of these offenses.
The nose pick
Now I will share with you just one
example ofhow this hobby, although both
fun and fulfilling, can lead to severe and even
fetal consequences. The names that appear
in this story have been changed to protect
the innocent and the guilty None of these
events maybe used or reproduced (no - not
/t tS**
ARIES (MAR 21-APR 20) - This
week your moon is rising over Ve
nus and your left foot is with Ma
donna. Stay with your instinct and
you will wind up with absolutely
nothing. Instead, always second
guess yourself. That's the only way
to get what vou reallv want.
TAURUS (APR 21-MAY 20) -1
am feeling... a walrus, no, a water buf
falo.. It is a large presence in your
future. Oh wait that large presence,
that's your mom
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21) -
Don't even bother. With anything.
Stay in bed. Seriouslv.
CANCER (JUNE 22-JUL 22) -
You are philisophical in.thought, won
dering why the chicken did cross the
road. The answers are right in front
Features
April 6, 2001
even for educational purposes) as they have
been copyrighted and will soon appear in an
upcoming episode of the popular hospital
drama ER
Awanda Meeler was driving down
Fiendly Avenue one warm, quiet afternoon
The sun was shining as five o'clock traffic
1i _ _
began to con
gest the
streets.
Awanda, dis
tracted by the
bumpiri mu
sic from her
car stereo
(too loud
those damn
youngsters
and their bud
music), was
engaged in a
hotandheavy
gameofhide
andgoseekin
her nose.
And the
Ml
■if WMKm
/v j :
boogers were being. TYiumphantlyAwanda
made the stretch for that booger way in
the back, that last tenacious glop of goo, a
crusty Custer at his last stand
Just as Awanda was going for
the gold (green gold, that is), a small ma
roon Camry jerked into her lane, right in
the path of her four ton Jeep. Awanda
H c r ro r s c 0 p e s
of you. it's a chicken it's thinking
"cluck, cluck cluck-cluck."
jl**
LEO (JUL23-AUG 23) - You will
soon be coming into economic pros
perity. The stars are telling me that
Harris Tbeter is holding a special sale
on Ramen Noodles - 8 for $1.00!
V%-f#
VIRGO (AUG 24-SEPT 22) -
There is immediate and lethal dan
ger waiting for you this week. What
ever you do, Virgo, please do not pick
your nose while driving in your car
for the next few days. There is noth
ing but trouble in that situation.
JL&t.*
LIBRA (SEPT 23-OCT 23) -
Horray! This is your week, Libra!
Everything is coming up roses for you.
That dream crush you've been eye
ing across campus for weeks will fi
came to her senses;
death was imminent if
shedidnotdosomething,
and quick She slammed
on the brakes, adrenaline
pumping throughout her.
The car came to a com
„l_ * _
her nose only after a crow bar, a small
hamster named Chester, an overripe ba
nana, two goldfish, a pine tree, three bi
lingual tourists from Belgium, and the
Jaws of Life were employed.
The Department of Motor Ve
hicles, encouraged by this and other such
accident reports, is currently seeking to
nally ask you out on Saturday. Your
teacher will give you the best grade
in the class for that history paper you
spent half an hour on, and...oh,
wait...never mind, I was thinking of
Pisces.
jp
&#**■#*+
SCORPIO (OCT 24-NOV 22) -
I'm receiving some very powerful sug
gestions from your sister planet Mer
cury this week, Scorpio. You know
those jeans you bought from the Ba
nana Republic on Tliesday for $29.99?
Not only were they made in a third
world country, they still make your
butt look big!
SAGGITARIUS (NOV 23-DEC
21) - One of your traits, according to
the 2001 edition of The Dummies
Guide to Astrology, is "optimistic and
freedom loving." Come on, Sag, who
are you kidding? What possible rea
sons could there be for being opti
mistic in your life? Face reality, man.
* '• ' •
The Guilfodian
iP'
ple t e
step, just
before it
would have smacked into
the Camry. Awanda was
relieved but felt a shoot
ing pain in her head.
Thinking the pain to be
coming from her brain,
Awanda looked at her
rearview mirror in horror.
Her right pointer finger
was lodged up to the
knuckle in her nose. It
was touching her brain!!!
Rescuers ar
rived on the scene within
minutes. Awanda's fin
ger was dislodged from
establish a law that would make
nose-picking while driving a crimi
nal offense, much like drinking and
driving. If stopped and questioned,
motorists may be asked to show po
licemen their fingers, which will be
searched for booger evidence, and
may be subjected to extensive na
sal cavity searches.
tragic
heroine of our gruesome tale, was
one of the lucky ones. Take heed.
k Friends don't let friends pick and
)
v
CAPRICORN (DEC 22-JAN 20)
- what they say, Capricorn --
Smoking does cause cancer! But
here's the good news. It's too late to
do anything about it now, so puff
away!
AQUARFUS (JAN 21-FEB 19) -
The water sign, you guys should
watch out maybe someone will find
out. Then they will put your hand in
warm water while you are sleeping
and you will wet the bed. Again.
PISCES (FEB 20-MAR 20) -
Hooray! Pisces, this is your week to
shine! You will be receiving a bonus
from your boss, two of your least fa
vorite classes will be cancelled, and,
oh wait...Sorry, Pisces, I must have
been channeling Libra.
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