w
Bush and bin Laden take X, resolve differences
Jared Axel rod
and Katy Wurster
PILOTS, SPACESHIP EARTH
• For perhaps the first time in
history, Washington D.C. drug
dealers have done more to influ
ence international affairs than
corporate lobbyists.
The 'war on terror' is over,
as is the war on drugs, thanks
to the new understanding Presi
dent Bush and Osama bin Laden
reached last weekend with the
help of a little white pill.
"My daughters, Jenna and
Barbara, have been raving about
ecstasy for years," said Bush at
yesterday's press conference.
"Now, I don't usually dabble in
the kid stuff, but from what they
told me, it seemed like just what
we needed."
"I've never felt closer to the
Great Satan," said bin Laden,
casually running his hands up
and down his furry vest. "And
when we peaked at the same
time, it was totally awesome."
Both Bush and bin Laden
spoke extensively of their newly
enlightened perspectives on war,
terrorism, and the differences
between their two nations.
"Bombs are silly," giggled
Yearning for Yanni:
Daniel Fleishman, Katy
Wurster and Sam Stephens
[INSERT FUNNY TITLES HERE]
WQFS, the Guilford Col
lege radio station, announced
last week that it will soon
switch over to an easy listen
ing/new age music station.
James Fishwick, senior
and WQFS program director,
called their reasoning strate
gic. 'The baby boomers are
hitting 60 this year, and we
decided that the best way to
become a truly great organi
zation would be to tap into
that enormous resource," he
said.
Beginning April 15, you'll be
able to enjoy hits from favorite
artists including Yanni, Solas,
Secret Garden and John Tesh.
"We're also trying now to
bring in the vast bank of young
professionals that have recently
found Greensboro an exciting
place to work and live," said
Michela Maxwell, junior and gen
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The one point of dissension: Bush said Moby was a sellout; bin Laden called him "totally PLUR-y."
bin Laden. "It's like, PLUR, you
know? Peace, love, unity, and
respect, dog. I told George I was
sorry about that whole hating
America thing. Now I can see
that it was totally out of synch
with the world harmonies."
"What's past is past," re
WQFS shifts to easy listening/new age
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Punkster Laurah Norton is currently installing an automated
body-rolling mechanism for her future grave.
eral manager of the station.
"We've finally come to the re
alization that the punk and ex
perimental eras are over," she
said. "It was a shock to the sys
tem, but now we feel better
knowing that at last our ratings
will improve."
WQFS has begun a con
See WQFS, p. 2
Greensbored, NC
sponded Bush. "We need to live
in the present, and focus on
spreading love and happiness to
every corner of Spaceship Earth.
Hey, quit hogging the water."
The ensuing peace talks
were deejayed by Paul
Oakenfold. A soundtrack will be
released by the end of next
month, with remixes by BT and
Tino Maas.
"I have a newfound respect
for bin Laden and his perspec
tive," said Bush. "How could he
be evil when his beard is soft, so
soft?"
HEADLINES
See specialpullout section
*Guilford celebrates school's thou
sandth lesbian, tenth gay male
*Senate committee convenes
*McNemar frowns; "Uh oh," realizes
Chief Financial Officer Phil Manz
*Caf worker forced to reswipe Smart
Card
*old white guy hired for administra
tive position
*Guilford Preschool to open next fall;
revenue to support "marble step fund"
*Retention committee transfers
*Apartment resident tries to get on
meal plan; Liz Nemitz escapes after 7
months of bagels, peanut butter
*Nate Finley puts "stud" in Student
Union
*Bryan suite B-12 breaks from study,
parties
JUSTIN BETSON
March 29, 2002
f^aper
JARED AXELROD