said Doss
b a
field.
"This is my idea,
"And yes, it will rule."
Construction will get underway
over summer break. The dome,
when finished, will hold 30,000
people and be totally air-condi
tioned.
"Brrrr!" said Doss. "Chilly-wil
lies."
The dome will also have a jum-
botron. Apparently that's a thing
that keeps score and has a screen
on it (duh). More amenities include:
bathrooms, a couple windows, and
concession stands.
"Tm gonna pee in that bathroom
every day!" said Doss. "Tm gonna
live in that dome! BOOM, baby!!!"
The dome has been a long time
coming in the plans for Guilford's
ever growing sports ... thing. Many
people have noticed that there
seems
to be more and more
athletes coming in every year. This
is no mistake.
"We are trying to build the ulti
mate sports teams," said Athletic
Director Tom Palombo. "Part of
this includes segregating ath
letically involved students from
non-athletes. We don't want any
distractions for our sluggers and
sluggettes."
"The dome will be the pinochle
of our take-over," said Nick Black,
the head coach of men's baseball.
"And we are so totally gonna get
some chicks in that motha' once
the ribbon is cut. BOOM, baby!!!"
This take-over worries many stu
dents and faculty members alike.
"The goat entrails in the park
ing lot say that the locals want us
the hell out of there," said Robert
Duncan, associate professor of
political science.
"I'm worried that Guilford is
becoming more and more gener
ic every year," said senior John
Button. "Before long we're just
going to be another pathetic no
name liberal arts school trying to
improve its athletic standings to
appeal to more affluent parents."
"Shut up, hippy!" yelled a pass
ing athlete with two blondes under
his arms. "We are legend!"
Other students, and even some
faculty members, are worried
that this dome is a poor usage of
funds.
"I was really hoping that they
were going to turn the sidewalks
into a lazy-river type of thing,"
said Visiting Writing Instructor
Rod Spellman. "You know, like at
Six Flags?"
The exact cost of the dome is $40
billion.
"That's a lot of potatoes!"
said junior John Sabo. "BOOM,
baby!!!"
The large amount of funds
can be mainly chalked up to the
increase in parking tickets. Ron
Stowe and his staff have been
working around the clock putting
citations on beat-up Hondas and
clapped-out Toyotas over the past
few semesters in hopes of hav
ing the project underway by 2010.
They came up with the funds a
year early.
"Last year we had three mur
ders, 27 riots, and over 50 lap
tops stolen from Milner alone,"
said Public Safety Director Ron
Stowe as he lit up a gigantic Cuban
cigar. "But we sure wrote up a lot
of parking tickets. Hell, we made
three grand just last week—now
how are you gonna argue with
figures like that?"
So, we can look forward to watch
ing our football games indoors
now. Here at the Guilfordian we'd
like to thank everyone who was
responsible for this wonderful
addition, even you, Randy Doss.
"Bomb-diggy-bomb-da-bang-
da-bang-diggy-diggy!" said Doss.
"I'm gonna be like Kid Rock in that
crazy SOB! Peace!"
Beer Pong team wins at Final Four
By Ian Young
Staff Writer
"OH, MOTHERF—ER," yells Guilford's
All-ODBPC (Old Dominion Beer Pong
Conference) player Henry Wells as he inserts
his index and pointer finger into the warm
comfort of his beer pong cup, pulling his two
fingers back out of the cup and straight into
his mouth to suck the luscious nectar off his
dripping digits, and then back into the cup
for another stir. Welcome to the Beer Pong
"Final Four."
Guilford, Elon, University of North
Carolina Greensboro (UNCG) and the
University of Miami (Fla.) all showed up
ready to play. Two rounds of cutthroat single
elimination chaos.
The location was top secret for obvious
reasons. Two official-size "Pong a Long"
tables were set up for the teams. Cups were
supplied, but it was asked that you bring
your own water cup for sanitary reasons.
"I'm the best beer pong player at this
school (Guilford)," said freshman Imir
"Smuckers" Paz - a Guilford beer pong
player wanna-be.
When asked "why?" the young Paz pro
ceeded to take off all his clothes and run
around naked, yelling, "I am the best, I am
the best, I am the BEST!"
Paz was quickly escorted out of the
crowd.
"These kids are complete idiots, I can't
believe they waste their time with this crap!"
said Guilford's beer pong coach Aaron
Fetrow after downing his fourteenth beer
of the night. "Sometimes I really hate the
students at this school; no respect, just no
bleeping respect."
When asked how he felt his team was
doing, Fetrow smashed his beer bottle on
the ground and quickly retorted, "They're
throwing their whole chance of winning
down the drain, can't you see that!!?"
Fetrow did not seem to realize that Guilford
had already beaten UNCG and were waiting
for the Elon and Miami match to finish.
"Elbows, ELBOWS!" screamed the Miami
team, which had a reputation for being stin
gy about the rules.
Elon was quickly eliminated by the Miami
Hurricanes; one death cup shot and they
were goners.
Finally, it was down to Miami and Guilford.
Miami came firing; two quick cups made.
"The goat entrails in the parking lot say
that the locals want us the hell out of there,"
said Robert Duncan, associate professor of
political science.
"Balls back, baby!" one of the Miami play
ers yelled. "I'm gonna put my balls in your
mom's cup later tonight."
The crowd was roaring, and wet balls were
flying. It was truly morose. Guilford quickly
found themselves down one cup to three.
"Power I," yelled Fetrow. "For the love of
God, GET A POWER I!"
The Guilford player who was referred
to only as "The IGd" shook his head at his
coach, took the ball out of the water cup and
blew on it softly. He pointed at the lone cup
in front.
"Island." The Kid murmured.
He let the ball fly. The crowd stared as the
ball flew through the air. The ball landed in
the cup, spinning around inside. The Miami
player stuck his two fingers into the cup and
pulled the ball without a splash. It was a
clean finger.
After a cheeky double bounce shot that
was quickly swatted away, Guilford found
themselves with the balls and three cups
left. The Kid gave the ball a toss, and Wells
quickly sent off a stealthy bounce. The Kid's
shot went in first, with Wells' bounce quickly
following; it barely made it over the lip of the
cup, rolling in.
"Guilford wins!" announced play-by-play
commentator Bryan Jones. The crowd erupt
ed. It was pure magic. They had done it; the
tournament was over.
When asked how the victorious Quaker
team felt after the win. The Kid merely said
in a soft spoken voice, "I feel good; damn
good." Wells nodded.