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Randy Doss runs over Max
Carter, Guilford's Integrity
By Joanna Bernstein
Straight Edge for Life
"He came out of nowhere—speeding out of
control like a coked out George W. Bush in his
earlier days/' said Max Carter, describing his
traffic collision with Randy Doss that took place
in front of the 'integrity' core values sign.
Doss was speeding in his golf cart while on his
way to a men's soccer game when he hit Carter
on his bicycle. Doss hit Carter so hard that the
integrity sign that they crashed into fell over.
"It didn't fall over immediately," Carter said.
"I was pinned up against the integrity sign for
a few minutes; sandwiched between my bike,
Randy's cart, and the sign."
Carter said that as soon as he escaped the
crash and, having sustained no major injuries
wiggled out of the sandwich, the integrity sign
fell down.
Randy Doss blames himself for the crash and
the subsequent loss of the integrity sign.
"I can't lie, this is all my fault," said Doss. "I
was texting while driving."
Doss admitted to sending an email from his
blackberry while haphazardly speeding from
New Garden to the stadium.
"I was going too fast because I was already
late for the game, but at the same time, I felt like
I really had to send that email," said Doss.
Doss said that the email was to President
Kent Chabotar. "I was confirming the time for
our dinner reservation at Fleming's Steakhouse
that night."
Doss publicly apologized both to the commu
nity, and to Carter, at an open forym about the
dangers of texting and driving in Founders Gal
lery several days after the crash.
"While Doss' apology seemed sincere at first,
the fact that he was maldng jokes about integrity
makes me think that Doss finds the whole situ
ation kind of funny since Max wasn't injured,"
said senior Alyzza Callahan.
During the forum Doss joked that, "hey, at
least we didn't literally lose our integrity!"
Many students were confused about the joke.
See "Doss Downs Integrity" on page 2
Incoming class of 2014 projected
to be smaller, liberal and diverse
In a break from recent Guil
ford first-year demographics,
the college has announced that
next semester's wave of young
sters will total under 500 stu
dents " the first time this feat
has been achieved in years — the
majority of which will not be
student-athletes.
In fact, although the college
has undergone a subtle shift
in image from a small liberal
arts "hippie" activist school to
a growingly apathetic sub-par
D-III sports hub in the last four ,
years under the direction of con
servative Dean of Admissions
Randy "No Comment" Doss,
the incoming class of 2014 is
projected to be politically liberal
and more than half of these high
schoolers have been seen wear
ing socks with sandals.
When asked about the de
mographics change Doss was
See"2014" on page 2
(Above)
An uniden
tified future
Guilford
student was
recently
spotted
wearing
wool socks
with sandals,
a faux pas
that sug
gests the
school is
returning to
its former
hippie image.
Hodgins gang circuit uncovered
By Rebecca Gibian
Taco Wednesday
The truth about why Guilford is
acquiring Hodgins has finally been
uncovered. The administration .is
leasing Hodgins to try and control the
rampant gang activity that has recent
ly been exposed.
The gangs have had a recent spurt
of participation, shown through the
gang signs spray painted on the brick
walls. The main gangs are Cotton Kit
tens, the Powdered Hogs, and the
Bright Lights. The leaders are usu
ally masked and unknown, but there
is speculation that Martin "Country"
Brown is one leader.
"It's getting really out of hajnd,"
said Ben Ardel, a Hodgins' resident.
"I always feel like a potential target. I
try not to go outside after the sun goes
down."
Ardel had to correspond through
e-mail due to fear of being seen talk
ing to The Guilfordian. He was wor
ried about being targeted.
Guilford's administration knew
See "Hodgins Gangs" on page 2
Suspected Hodgins gang leaders Max "AudioHate" Cawley, a former general for
the Confederated Suites of Bryan, and Matt "The Ax" Gaye show off their colors.
Varsity ice hockey coming next year
By Liz Farquhar
Ducks Fly Together!
The decision was made final
on March 31 that in the winter of
2011 there will be a new varsity
sport at Guilford: ice hockey.
Since the track team lost its
track the same year that they
became a varsity team, and the
swim team lost its pool, Guilford
decided it was in the budget to
add another team that had no
on-campus facilities.
Juniors Wes Good and
Andrew Slater have pushed
for this team to be added as a
varsity sport since their first year
at Guilford.
"Me and Wes have been
attending ice hockey games
in the Greensboro area and
are looking to recruit the most
aggressive players from high
school teams," Slater said.
"Fight, fight, inner light! Kill,
Quakers, kill!"
It seems like everyone is
looking forward to the hard
hitting, smash-mouth sport's
inaugural season.
"The athletic department is
excited to see what an ice hockey
team can add to the culture here
at Guilford," Athletic Director
Tom Palombo said.
"Hockey is a big word,"
said Randy Doss in an e-mail
interview. "I can't wait until the
season begins."
It is the hope that by adding
the new team, students will
become more interested in
Guilford athletics.
After the decision was final,
Palombo and the athletic
department deliberated on the
new team's head coach.
Palombo offered ice hockey
See "Ice, Hockey" on page 6