WORLD & NATION
April i, 2011
New Republican here steps lute the spetlight
By Chassidy Crump
Staff Writer
A new Republican candidate has entered the scene,
causing many people to consider him the forerunner
of candidates for the upcoming Republican primaries.
Woodrow Davis is likely the most well-known and
liked candidate of all the nomination hopefuls.
Davis has been hailed a "modern-day rugged
individualist" and an "all-American man" by CNN,
which also points out the candidate's relative political
correctness — despite being one of today's most well-
known examples of "Old West" culture which has
historically promoted prejudice — in comparison with
his counterparts, who have been accused of racism,
sexism, and homophobia in varying degrees.
However, it seems Davis already has a supportive,
close-knit, and diverse group of campaign workers
backing him, many of whom have been with him since
the beginning of his political involvement as mayor of
Mesa, Ariz.
"The dynamic of this group is inspiring," said Russell
Pearce to The New American. "They are honestly like
family. They've had their skirmishes in the past, but
continue to be supportive, listen to one another's
ideas, and work through the conflict. They are all very
supportive of Davis."
According to CNN, Davis and his right-hand man
once campaigned against one another for governor,
but Buster Liteyer chose to drop out and will almost
certainly be Davis' vice president.
"This town really is big enough for the both of us,"
said Woodrow at the time of the election.
"Despite many seeing a united front between the two,
it is possible that there is still some competition between
them," said Associate Professor of Political Science Kyle
Dell. "It will be interesting to see how this pans out."
Many who are not associated with the Republican
Party have shown support for Davis' campaign,
according to The Huffington Post. His dedication,
fairness, and compassion for the "underdog" are
appealing on their own, but even more impressive is his
dedication to putting his values into action.
Davis has been hailed as a hero and a voice for those
who do not have a voice. He has remained popular with
the public despite controversy, primarily because of his
courage and morality. These characteristics are more
than his public persona, he has proved his courage
many times over.
According to CNN, Davis and some of his
companions were held hostage in 1995 by Sid Phillips,
an emotionally disturbed individual who fancied
himself an amateur surgeon. Thanks to the quick
thinking and determination of Davis, his companions
and other hostages were able to escape and Phillips
ended his surgical days.
Davis' "rugged individualist" characteristics are
shown in his courage as well as his strong desire
for success. When asked why he aspires to run for
president, Davis replied that he always felt he should
"reach for the sky."
This incident is just one of many heroic acts by
Davis. With a track record like this, it's no surprise that
so many consider "Woody" a prime candidate for the
Republican primaries. Potential VP Liteyer believes the
campaign will go "to infinity and beyond."
^ .
’•V»
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Earth's demise due to a black hole Toyota unveils fecal-Dowered Car
By Amber Reese
Staff Writer
The Large Hadron
Collider — located at the
European Organization for
Nuclear Research in Geneva,
Switzerland — created a super-
massive black hole on Monday,
March 28. The earth has been
sucked into the black hole; the
end is not only here, it is now.
According to About.com,
a black hole is created when
an object with large mass
undergoes gravitational
collapse, causing its mass to be
compressed into a small amount
of space. Once a black hole is
created, nothing can escape
from its border, including light.
Resulting in a deformation of
space-time, its event horizon is
an undetectable border, which
marks the edge of the black hole
according to Wikipedia.com.
After forming, a black
hole will continue to suck in
anything that gets close to it,
such as planets and stars. In this
way the black hole continues to
grow larger and larger.
Prior, to the LHC being fired
up again, on Feb. 20, 2010,
death threats were issued to
CERN scientists and theoretical
physicists by people claiming
that the risk of a black hole
creation was too high to be
ignored.
CERN should have listened.
While CERN discounted the
possibility of the creation of a
black hole, now that we've been
devoured by one you may be
wondering what happens now.
I'll put it to you simply using
the words of R.E.M. — it's the
end of the world as we know it
and I feel fine!
Should you be displeased
with that answer, here are two
popular theories regarding the
fate of the Earth after this oh-
so-tragic occurrence.
The first is that we won't
know we're in a black hole
until the effects start taking
place because information can't
escape a black hole. Once we
start to feel the effects, we'll all
be running around, screaming
hysterically like chickens with
our heads cut off. Aren't you
excited?
"Eventually, however,
person would start to
the forces," according
Eric Bland in a Sept. 10, 2008
Discovery.com article. "The
huge differences in gravity in
the black hole would slowly
stretch a person out while
simultaneously compressing
his or her sides. Eventually, a
person would stretch out like a
strand of spaghetti."
Should we survive, we
will end up being immortal
as time will essentially stop.
I promise, this is not a good
thing. We, as spaghetti strand
the
feel
to
things, are going to have an
awful time adjusting to the
new us. This occurrence will
affect everything; we will live
as spaghetti strand things in a
world of unending blankness.
When asked how a spaghetti
strand populace might alter the
"Green and Beyond" initiative at
Guilford College, Vice President
for Enrollment Services Randy
Doss replied;
"Spaghetti and Beyond will
be our new theme."
The second theory is
singularity. Gravitational
singularity is the region of the
black hole where the curvature
of space-time becomes infinite.
Once we fall into this
gravitational singularity,
which is unavoidable, we will
be crushed to infinite density,
while our mass adds to the black
hole, according to Wikipedia,
com.
My only response to the
singularity theory is this: OH
GOD, OH GOD, WE'RE ALL
GOING TO DIE!
Now then, on to the bad
part: we're either going to be
immortal spaghetti strand
things in a timeless void or
we're going to sacrifice our
bodies in order to feed this
life-stealing black hole we're
in. Either way, the remainder
of our existence on earth will
be spent in eternal oblivion.
THANKS CERN!
By Chris Roe
Staff Writer
At last week's auto show, Toyota
unveiled their newest pioneering car,
seeking to revolutionize the industry
once again. This time it is not with
solar panels or a 50 mile-per-gallon fuel
economy. Rather, it is a car that has an
intricate system of enhancing comfort on
the road, while recycling human bodily
waste in order to create electricity.
"The Toilus is the ultimate car for
energy efficiency and comfort," said
Toyota's President Katsuaki Watanabe.
"Not only will we be helping the
environment, but we will be maximizing
relief on the road."
According to Toyota, this will provide
for a more leisurely drive that will appeal
to both long trips and commuting. The
Toilus will be complete with a toilet
under each seat, with remote controls
that open, close and remove the under
clothing of the passenger.
"It's great because I can just continue
driving and not worry about pulling
down my pants," said Washington, D.C.,
commuter Frederick Johnson. "The best
part is probably the fact that it has an
automatic washer."
The Toilus is not only taking consumers
by storm, but it is also reaching the interest
of major corporations and organizations.
News Corporation, the parent company
of numerous media companies such as
Fox News, has received influence from
the new car. They are considering going
on a carbon-neutral campaign, but it is
still unclear whether they will.
"Often when I wake up, I have to
go to the bathroom," explained News
Corporation Chief Executive Rupet
Turdoch. "Now I can get up 10 minutes
later. Not only that, I usually have
to go again in 30 minutes due to my
spHncter problem. With the Toilus,
my car ride experience is much more
satisfying."
The car was inspired by a long-
known concept that fecal matter can
be turned into electricity. The car's
intricate system revolves around
extracting methane to use for fuel.
As the waste produced by the
passengers is flushed down the toilet,
it travels into a tank where the water
and solids separate. This stresses the
feces, where the solid waste is sticky
and soft, which is called "sludge." The
sludge then goes into a fermenting
stage and decays, producing methane.
The methane is then produced into gas
in an oxygen-free process, generating
heat.
One of Toyota's first promotion
strategies is to quell the idea of an
unwanted smell.
"The smell shouldn't be a problem,"
said a spokesman for Toyota. "We took
that into consideration. The only thing
that we can't guarantee is the odor that
might emit from your own bowels."
Bumper stickers are also being
sold to promote the car. Such bumper
stickers read "S*** Happens," or
"Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-
EAT**** ”
Toyota may very well define the
future of energy-efficient cars. Only
time will tell how successful the
Toilus will be. But, by the looks of it,
defecation may be new the face of
automobiles.