Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / April 1, 2011, edition 1 / Page 15
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WWW.GUlLFORDlAN.COM FORUM Poop drops carbon footprint By Andrew Glass Staff Writer You should not think of what you flush down the toilet as waste. Guilford College does not. And even if you do not know it, your dumps are helping Guilford become more sustainable. In honor of our year of sustainability, Guilford has taken the tremendous step of recycling human fecal matter. Instead of sequestering the body's byproducts underground, they are being used to benefit the campus and the community. The potent mixture of urine and feces is being sprayed on the lawn to fertilize the grass, as well as in the campus and the cafeteria gardens. "I was wondering why the grass was greener this year," said sophomore Dylan Lin. "English still smells the same though." There has also been some discussion of drying the excrement to be used in the bonfires, as people usually do not remember them anyway. "The only question is who would carry the dried dung out there," said Environmental Sustainability Coordinator Jim Dees. These and many other creative uses of the seemingly disgusting byproducts of our bodies really showcase the Guilford spirit of ingenuity and responsibility to the community and the world. "Your number twos are making us number one," said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar in a speech. As if this not enough, our ability to use this innovative and odorous resource has been doubled or even tripled, thanks to the ingenuity of Mary Ervine, creative director at Merry weather Godfrey. A laxative is being placed in the food to help produce more of the world-saving elixir. The laxative was developed in the late 1950s by the government, which was researching possible uses in warfare, according to BCG America. It is now being used to increase your bowel movements and decrease your carbon impact. "We just wanted to help (the student body) decrease their impact on the environment," said Ervine. "Besides, we sell more food and students get to spend more time out of class and on the toilet. We both benefit." When prompted, Ervine admitted to not having eaten any of the food. "But Tm sure that there is no decrease in quality (of the food)," Ervine said. "I enjoy knowing that I had a part in making this campus," said senior Gregory Hamilton, who eats off campus. "I can now look at the trees on the quad and say T helped feed that.'" Assistant Professor of Biology Michele Matlotky explained that the laxative method was ineffective due to the fact that students with the runs would require more food and water, thus offsetting the benefit. But'that is not important. What is important is that we are helping the environment. What the world needs is more people like the faculty, staff, and students of Guilford, who have turned "Green and Beyond" into the much more practical "Brown and Beyond." So now you do not have to feel bad for not walking the fifteen more steps to throw your paper bag in the recycling, because your McBreakfast is going to be helping the environment in just a few hours. Wife Studies: Birthing babies and laundry And this couldn't have come at a better time. With college graduates scrambling to fill the few job openings that pop up, it always helps to have a skill. And few skills are as valuable as being able to have dinner on the table promptly at 6 p.m. and knowing the proper way to iron a dress shirt. As more women migrate back to the kitchen, more jobs will open up for the hardworking men we love. One of the major proponents of the major is Assistant Professor of English, Diya Abdo. 'There is a lot of pressure on women today to do it all," said Abdo. 'They're supposed to Ladies, have you ever worried about your have a great career, a happy marriage, and be ability to snag yourself a husband? Or whether a super mom. So we'ro helping to alleviate or not you'll be able to keep your man happy some of that stress by taking away the once you've got that ring on your finger? Well, responsibiUty of having to work. I think it'll be worry no more, fair females! Wife Studies is really helpful." here to help. As do I. Wife Studies, the newest major offered at Despite my still youthful appearance, I Guilford, focuses on the education of future know that my looks will soon start to go. And wives. This includes the study of domestic my biological dock is ticking loudly Surely management, culinary arts, and early other girls ar« in the same predicament as me, childhood development, among others. right? Surely other girls are still a little scared of What exactly does that mean for all the babies and don't understand why one deaner By Kara Thomas Forum Editor single ladies hoping to shed that title? It means sdentific tests to determine "As more women migrate back to the kitchen, more jobs and promotion opportunities will open up for the hardworking men we love" can't do it all, right? Surely other girls are wary about not getting down the the best way to get grass, “r- ■« MUtu«U.Mi,a ...c. «; iu*c — coffee, and red ~~ ' of course wine stains out of khakis. It means countless you are! trials to achieve a perfectly moist roasted So come with me, my lovely lady friends turkey. It means training on how to handle with all your lovely lady lumps and humps your'mother-in-law and develop a fitness and whatever else you've got. Abandon your regime to help your keep your dainty figure, current majors. Forget about shopping for no matter how many litfie cherubs you bring business casual attire. Sign up for Wife Studies into this world. and follow me to domestidty and beyond! What it really means, though, is learning Because in all honesty, I don't think I would how to be a soccer mom minus the mom jeans, be able to get over my fear of babies and a trophy wife rninus the need for hired help, bleach and successfully get my MRS degree the perfect smiling sidekick to your handsome without a little help from some well-educated husband. professors. Say word By Zachary Morgan Staff Writer Guilford College, bein' all up in the heezy with the diversifyin' and what not, now 'bout to hit the schooling hard when they roll out the business, straight gangsta-like. Now, my peeps tell me that three new classes fixin' to be crunk up, just in time for hoody season. I hope y'all pickin' up what I'm fayin' down, because this is gonna be straight flava, for the "G" on the go, but still lookin' to get they Urkel on and be 'bout it! KNOWHATIMSAYIN? Here we go! The English Department was the first in line to co-sign and get this thang poppin' off. They Donald Trumpish over there, cause they know REAL TRUE future ballas when they get 'em and they just E-Trade babies. After a quick bit of ear-hustlin' over in Archdale I was able to gaffle this for ya. For starters, the main source of the new joints is gonna be 2PAC-01ogy. 2PAC-01ogy 510 Stunner, you gonna learn how to Philoso-Fly up in this piece. Pac would have it no less. How to get put on and then rise to the top is the main ingredient. Homies here gon have to put down a slammin' remix of 'California Love" in order to become a "G" in the West Coast portion of the class. Ya heard?!! Biggie-Omics 101 Just like it say, fool! Nothin' but Biggie, Bad Boy, and Brooklyn. Brooklyn, Bad Boy, and Biggie, all the time. Playas get down on how to spit fresh NY rhymes, wear Dapper-Dan jawns, and how to just be as fly as fly can be, while gettin' skooled in the game of how to "play the charts like the Beatles!" Just like B.I.G.! No haters allowed, as we don't need nobody out of pocket! Old School Slang and Ebonics-English 202 In order to bosh this clezzy and bounce, you have to autograph a five page rhyme showing you know how to be all dat, locate an Atari in the midst, how to big- up yo homeboy/girls, and put it straight to some blood that's straight illin', Dawg! You master that and it's cashed, Home- Skillet! You can go out and get your grown man/woman on and REALLY know how to drop the funk-flow better than the funk-master himself, Bootsy Collins. So you better get gone or get lost if you new to this type of teachin'. Only a hater would think that THIS is jive, B! Gettin' on the list for these classes will make you bubble-up quicker than a pot on the stove full of salty water, punk! Sessions will be mad affordable, because "the man" knows that we are all college-folk and don't have the scrilla to make it rain all willy-nilly! If I'm correct, a C-note a session and you in there like swimwear, playa. Make sure you have a BOLO around Squirrel-Day for the new courses, Locster. Cant beat the price, can't beat the knowledge! In the words of the Immortal Omar Little.... INDEED!!
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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April 1, 2011, edition 1
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