WORLD & NATION
March 30,2012
Stories by Becca Heller
Graphic by Franz Kafka and Becca Heller
■Bonaap——^
UNITED
jRBRanaMMHHHMMBil
a==^ STATES
On April 3, the U.S.
GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCED
THAT THEY WOULD
BE
REINSTATING
FEDERAL PROHIBITION,
following a
historically raucous
weekend at Guilford
College. The Anti-
Alcohol Act of
2012 was passed
in response to an
annual student festival
at Guilford College,
"Serendipity." According
to The Guilfordian, there
w^ere students running around
drunk and stark-naked, students
dressed as realistic-looking zombies
and moaning "brainsss," and even
students setting the woods on fire, shouting
"bring back the bonfires!" Needless to say, the
federal government had no choice but to outlaw
alcohol after this outrageous event.
SWITZERLAND
On March 30, Switzerland broke its century-long pact
OF neutrality with an aggressive attack on Belgium,
after a passionate quarrel over which country made better
chocolate. The argument began after Belgian Prime Minister
Elio di Rupo made a snide remark about the chocolate cake
he was served during a diplomatic visit to Switzerland. The
attack, which targeted Belgium's largest chocolate factory
resulted in over 25 casualties and thousands of injured
candy bars. "We will not take this attack sitting dowm,"
Rupo stated in a press release. "We'll show Switzerland
who makes the best chocolate." In response. President of the
Swiss Confederation Eveline Widmer-Schlumpf put out a
viral video campaign Swiss Chocolate 2012.
On March 29, the Italian mob took over Vatican City,
CLAIMING IT AS THEIR OWN EMPIRE. Entering the city guns
a-blazing, the mobsters forced the Pope and his guard out
of the city and took complete control of the world's smallest
city, naming their boss, Luigi Caravello as the new Prime
Minister of the tiny nation. The global Catholic community
is up in arms, although many seem intimidated by the mob's
badassness. "Don't mess wit us." Caravello announced in a
statement. "Or you'll find yoself swimming wit the fishes."
Just several hours after the coup, Caravello's men had spray
painted the Vatican with "Our Godfather, who art in Heaven
..." In response, the Pope has called the entire Catholic
community to boycott the popular American movie "The
Godfather."
On March 26, a disturbing U.N. press release turned
THE world on its AXIS. After many ignored signs, the
global community was forced to face the shocking truth:
we are not the only intelligent beings in the universe. In
fact, tlie extraterrestrial beings with whom w'e've recently
made contact have suggested quite the opposite. "You all
are pretty daft," said Secretar}^ of Interplanetary Relations
Igmab Flaxoid, citing Toddlers and Tiaras, Climate Change,
and George W. Bush. The statement has created quite an
uproar, and George W. Bush responded saying that he had
intelligence that there were weapons of mass destruction in
outer space. While worldwide peace protests began in many
countries, other regions have begun rearing up for a total
state of interplanetary war. Let the games begin.
As the world turns? the beginning of World War
By Alex Lindberg
Staff Writer
Silence filled the air as President Barack Obama announced
the tragic news to the American people earlier this week.
"Yesterday I spoke to the Chinese president Hu Jintao, who
has insisted that either we apologize for our violence against
the world, or be prepared for all-out war against China,"
Obama stated gravely. "After several houm of debating — and
some obscene comments on both parts — I have decided that
tlie only way the U.S. wdll apologize is if China released its
tyrannical hold over Tibet."
'Today, at 5:19 a.m., I received word that the Chinese
military has attacked and obliterated a U.S. army outpost, thus
declaring war on our country," Obama continued. "We will
not let such blatant disrespect and violence go unpunished.
Pre.sident Jintao wdll regret his actions."
The President went on to say that Jintao's actions were
uncalled for, and that an attack is currently underw^ay to
neutralize the Chinese forces. However, the panic did not begin
until the next bit of news, which stated that in order to combat
China's large military. Congress has reinstated the draft.
AH men over the age of 18 and younger than 60 will become
eligible to participate in combat.
This is the first time since theMetnam War that such drastic
measures have been taken, and the American people are
outraged by the Congressional decision. However, as with the
last draft, students with a GPA of 2.5 or higher, people with
disabilities and pacifists will be exempt from the selection.
"Well, 1 was intending to graduate next year and go
work for my father," said junior Aaron Reach. "But now I'm
purposefully dropping classes so I can stay in school and won't
get drafted."
This is not the only example of people try^ing to draft dodge.
In fact, it is expected that school retention rates and student
enrollment will be at an all-time high for the next few years as
people are trying to avoid the war. Not everyone, however, is
actively trying to avoid the draft; in fact, there are many who
are actively supporting the war effort.
"It would be an honor for me to sacrifice my body and mind
and various other extremities for the glory of the U.S.A." said
senior Bryan Jon, and there are many who agree with him.
Already the Guilford College administration has received
numerous student requests to drop out to join tire war effort.
”AK-47s, kill-teams, and Guilford College — it might seem
strange to have those words in the same sentence," said
President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. "But
the times they are a-changin."
"All American citizens should be doing their part to aid the
counhy in its time of need," commented White House Press
Secretary Jay Carney to CNN. "And that time is right now.
With a trade embargo against China, we will not be receiving
as many goods, and our economy is in for a rough time for the
next few months. We want everyone to know that, as long as
we hold togetlier, we're going to show them the power of the
U.S.A. Just who ^e hell do they think we are?!"
Already many citizens have abandoned the Occupy
movement to start anti-war protests all over the country, the
largest of which is located outside of the White House in
Washington, D.C.
Many Guilford students have petitioned the Guilford
administration to allow them to attend the peaceful
demonstrations, but the administration refuses to take a public
stance on the issue. However, they have agreed to change next
year's Serendipity to a pseudo-Woodstock reenactment.
"(The administration) is just afraid to lose more government
funding" said first-year Kristy Korra. "But our politicians need
to know that the American people do not agree with this war.
The real problem though, is that we have no really good chants
against this battle yet. 1 mean 'Hey, hey, Obama, how many
kids did you kill today?' just doesn't have a good ring to it."
The tension between the nations is already on the rise, as no
other countries have turned to side with either nation. Even the
U.N. has voiced concern over the fighting super-powers and
the possible use of nuclear weaponry.
Though both countries have vowed not to use any weapons
of mass destruction dming the war, people are still waiting in
silent fear as President Obama's retaliation has yet to be seen.