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Nudist resort: .
bearing all flesh
OPINION
Wouldn't you just love to have been a fly on the
wall at the last Board of Trustees meeting? A dothes-
optional spa and resort's offer to buy the land the
board recently approved for sale was on the table
for discussion.
My first question is, "What the ...?" My second
question is, "How exactly does that work?" And my
third question: "Is anybody in charge here?"
According to Google maps, nudist colonies,
resorts and beaches exist all over the world. While
I understand nakedness in temperate climes, I can't
quite wrap my brain around the clothing-optional
practice in chillier regions where nudes of the frozen
or incredibly rugged variety might be found.
Although the early 2012 winter was basically a
non-event here, winters in the N.C. piedmont can
be unpredictable. Two winters ago, the lake froze
over. A year ago, a considerable amount of snow fell.
That being said, you may be surprised to discover
that uncovered enthusiasts frequent nearby
Reidsville's "Bar-S-Ranch." Durham's "Triangle
Area Naturists" or 'TAN" engage in nude house
parties and beach trips — though hopefully not
fishing trips.
But where does In the Buff Naturals think they
are? Europe, Ojai in the 1960s? Woodstock?
While Bar-S-Ranch is located on a secluded former
cattle ranch and TAN is a non-landed organization,
moving around from place to place, we are right in
the midst of a lot of stuff.
Will New Garden Friends School, Jefferson
Elementary School, The American Hebrew Academy,
Brighton Gardens Retirement Community, Friends
Home, several houses of worship and a college be
willing to support a nudist resort in the community?
This isn't Black Mountain Arte School. Guilford,
though deeply respectful of the arts, is not avant-
garde enough to buy into parading around naked.
University of North Carolina SAool of the Arts
in Winston-Salem? Maybe. Again, it is location,
location, location. UNCSA is way too close to
Winston-Salem's Old Salem and Salem College to
meet Moravian approval.
But here's the real naked person in the room.
This is the Bible Belt. As a culture-specific region,
we can't even be totally naked. We can't even get a
Trader Joe's here; how are we going to get a nudist
resort?
While I am personally clothes/no clothes neutral,
I am seriously not interested in hearing the constant
back and forth about it from, at the risk of being
redundant, the political right and conservative
religious groups. There, I said it.
Also, how do the Eastern Music Festival folks
feel about a nudist resort on the doorstep of their
musical youth camp? How about the soccer moms
and the football families? Could be an interesting
summer.
It would be different if those pesky little double
standards weren't already in play. If we could just
all grow up and appreciate the simple beauty of the
human body and teach our children that naked is
natural and not nasty, life would be peachy.
Unfortunately, the fact remains that a nudist
resort in our area is a long stretch mark from reality.
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Early College parties: they do know how to
nson & Don^
By James Williamson & Don^heeto
Staff Writer and Guest Writer
To protect the identities of the guilty in
this article, all minors' names have been
changed.
Although Early College students
are renowned for their antagonistic
intelligence, we have yet to hear of their
social life, whether in the humidity of
Founders lobby, the Grill or the tennis
courts. So we investigated and found
an unseen world of blatant juvenile
delinquency.
"No one can laugh that much during
ping pong and not be drunk," said senior
Bennett Christian. "They lie all over each
other, giggling, saying the strangest things.
Those kids are definitely cross-buzzing."
For most of the afternoon. Early College
students crowd the Founders Lobby,
dominate its ping pong table, pool table
and piano, all the while "taste-testing"
their Grill cups used for their hidden keg.
"See, it's physics and purely
educational," said sophomore Squirt
McCoul, age 14. "A tube known as the
keg's 'spear' allows for carbon dioxide to
pressurize the beer out of the keg, and the
valve controls its flow. We sample all sorts
of experiments."
To keep themselves unnoticed, these
crafty students tape pages of their physics
or chemistry books to the cold aluminum
barrel of 14 gallons.
"Yeah, we've been doing it for years,"
said senior Richard Cheney, age 17. "I'm
surprised no one has noticed. You would
think an institution of higher learning,
priding itself on critical thought, would be
able to figure it out. I'm just being honest.
I'm graduating and don't care. I have a full
ride to MIT. You want to hit this? I have to
go kill this A&P exam."
Most traditional students, however, are
surprisingly unaware of the Early College
sub-culture, or at least skeptical of such an
image.
"No way — those kids always ruin the
grading curve in my calculus class," said
senior Charles Carrier. "They can't be that
smart and at the same time have a wild
social scene."
And what about the Guilford woods?
Apparently the Early College students use
it as another location to "let it all hang out."
"Man, we have huge parties back in the
woods," said junior Cyrus Wyatt, age 16.
"We don't have big bonfires. We just light
some tikki torches. We don't bring a whole
bunch of African drums back there like the
traditional students. They're just trying to
get caught. In fact. I'm afraid to drive on
the same road as you guys."
After investigating this behavior, the
layers of Early College racketeering
gradually became more apparent.
"I swear I saw one smoldng dope in the
magnolia tree in front of Dana the other
day," said junior George Pettis.
To expound on Pettis' observation,
Cheney revealed how the Early College
students have marked advantage in
underground transactions, most of which
— if not all — occur on the tennis courts.
"I control it all," said Cheney. "I set
prices. I set deals. And I set people down.
If you don't want to pay, you don't have
to play."
According to Cheney, he has people in
"high places" to seal "loose lips."
"They sink ships and must be taken care
of immediately," said Cheney, as he put his
hand on the skinny shoulder of Wyatt.
"Cheney? A 17-year-old drug king pin
at Guilford College? It might seem strange
to have those words in the same sentence,"
said President and Professor of Political
Science Kent Chabotar.
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