SOME NEWS. SOMETIMES
March 29, 2013
Bryan Relaxation Space to replace totally lame Hut
BY ANTHONY HARRISON
Staff Drunkard
Guilford President and Professor of Political Science Kent
Chabotar announced the construction of the Joseph M. Bryan
Jr. Relaxation Space on Friday, March 15. Construction began
Saturday, March 16.
"The Bryan family has been so generous to Guilford, and as
long as Joe keeps giving us money, we are delighted to have
their name adorn our campus in any way possible as much as
humanly possible," Chabotar said via email interview.
Bryan gifted $11.2 million exclusively for construction of the
Relaxation Space, the newest in a recent string of architectural
improvements on campus. Planned features for the three-story
facility include a solarium, a billiards room, two coffee shops
and an indoor Chick-fil-A.
"I'm totally excited about (the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Relaxation
Space)," said first-year Nicole Tomlin. "I think it will make
Guilford seem more modem, and it will attract new students
to our school.
"I heard there was going to be a heated swimming pool,"
Tomlin added. "I think that would be swag as hell."
The Relaxation Space straddles Quadrangle Drive, and plans
call for a footbridge connecting Bryan, Shore and Foimders
Hall. Also, its massive size requires Ae demolition of The Hut,
which occurred on the second day of constmction.
The Hut will be replaced by the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Koi Pond
and Fountain.
"The Hut as we know it has ceased to exist, but we are
relocating it," said Vice President for Student Affairs Aaron
Fetrow via phone interview.
"Though the Bryan Relaxation Space is opulent, we want
to keep Guilford's Quaker tradition intact, and part of that
tradition is testifying to simplicity. So while the original Hut is
gone, we're keeping the idea of The Hut going."
Since Bryan reserved his endowment expressly for the
constmction of the Relaxation Space, no funds were allocated
to build a new Hut in its zoned location between the lake and
Nathan Hunt Road, soon to be Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Road.
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Design plans for the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Relaxation Space have already been made; above is the rendered version for the first floor.
Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter and Initiative-
Faith & Practice Gifts Discernment Coordinator Frank Massey
have funded the project themselves.
"We've been ciigging for the past week and a half for about
twelve hours a day, but to us it's worth it," said Massey. "We've
researched Vietnamese tunneling techniques and bought a
bunch of lumber, and we're really making some progress. We
even came up with a nickname for it: The Hutch. Max came up
with it."
"I'm just glad they let us keep the piano," said Carter.
News of The Hut's relocation sparked mixed opinions from
students.
"It's so far away now, and that pisses me off," said senior Ted
Jarvis. "I used to go to The Hut all the time, and now I've got to
walk all that way to bone without kicking my roommate out."
"I always thought it was really stupid," said sophomore
Dalton Plumlee. "I mean, what did people do in there anyway,
sing hippie songs?"
Though forced from his traditional headquarters for the
betterment of the campus. Carter expressed his happiness over
the Bryan Relaxation Space and remains in good spirits.
"You can call me Mr. Dig-Hole, but don't call me Maxxy
C," Carter said as he smudged his beard with red day while
wiping sweat from his face.
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: College will
officially change name to Joseph M. Bryan Jr. University.
in the Fall.
Akins solves tire-popping case
We at The Bike
Shoppe are “glad” to
hear about the capture
of the tire-slasher and
invite you to bring the
last of your slashed
tires here for repair!
Hours
Mon, Wed, Fri
1-5 a.m.
Manager's Note:
There have been allegations lately claiming The
Bike Shoppe is the culprit of the tire-slashing, and
we are happy to be "rightfully" proven innocent.
However, should P-Safe have messed up, don't
forget we're always here to make repairs!
BY MICHAEL CASWELL
SiAfFWMnrBi
"I walked outside, and there it sat: my bike with
its tires slashed," said Guilford College Assistant
History Professor and avid bike rider Damon Akins.
"It looked like something you would see on a
Lifetime movie."
Akins is not the only one experiendng the pain
of a slashed tire. Many students have been coming
forward all year reporting bike-tire slashings all
around campus.
Junior Mike Hawk says after a long night of doing
work in Bauman, he came out to find his bike with
both tires sliced open.
Luckily, it did not take long for the criminals to be
caught.
After a thorough investigation. Public Safety and
the Greensboro Police Department uncovered the
culprit.
Bryce Barrows, the head of the campus Bike Shop,
confessed to coming up with the plan. Barrows said
that with the bad economy, he had to figure out a
way to generate business for the struggling shop.
Barrows also confessed that he had accomplices in
these horrific crimes: James Shields, director of the
Bonner Center for Community Learning, and Kent
Chabotar, professor of political sdence and president
of Guilford College.
When Shields was asked to comment on the
investigation he had this to say, "You can call me
crap hole, just don't call me a criminal."
The criminals are facing up 45 hours of community
service. Akins believes this punishment isn't severe
enough for the crime.
"Sometimes in situations like this you have to take
the law into your own hands," said Akins.
Akins set out on a journey to take justice into
his own hands. He knew he could not correct this
injustice on his own, so Akins decided to ask Assistant
Professor of History Phil Slaby, who is known for his
infamous death stare and ruthless teaching practices.
"If looks could kill, Phil Slaby would be a mass
murderer," said Professor of German Dave Limburg.
After much deliberation, Slaby and Akins decided
the best punishment for Chabotar and Shields
would be to serve a semester in Slaby's Europe in
Revolution history class.
"It's an ugly beast of a class, and I would not
wish that punishment on my worst enemy," said
sophomore Carmelitha Whitlock-Almond.
When it came to Barrows, Slaby and Akins knew
that the punishment had to be brutal for him to fully
understand what he had done. They knew who
they had to see, the man that decides everything
on campus. Director of Friends Center and Campus
Ministry Coordinator Max Carter.
"We walked into The Hut and there sat Carter,
pipe in mouth and hot tea in hand," said Slaby.
They explained the situation to Carter, and after
three calm sips of the tea and two drags of the pipe.
Carter came up with the perfect punishment for
Barrows.
Barrows will spend the rest of his time at Guilford
locked in the basement of the library, grading Slaby's
and Akins' history papers.