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(World & Nation) WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM QaaL ualceUsm now tke wodd uligion, Wax Caltel leads tk e masses BY JAMIE LUCKHAUS Staff Wwrei Silence is the new international trend as prominent religious world figure Max Carter leads the now most-practiced religion on earth: Quakerism. Also known as the Religious Society of Friends, Quakerism is a Christian-based religion that believes that the Light of God is iri everyone. Friends have a central foundation in the testimony of peace, and they traditionally worship by gathering together and sitting in thoughtful silence. "I love to sit in silence," said Max Carter. "I sit for hours every day. It gives me the opportunity to get the dirt out from under my fingernails and review all of the random facts floating around in my head." The recently resigned Pope Benedict IX retired after a tragic hip dislocation while twerking in January. Doctors have said he is a very "passionate dancer." "They just couldn't handle my moves," the Pope told The Guilfordian. "No one has seen a pope like me." Since his resignation the world's interest in religion has taken a turn, and many who previously identified as Roman Catholic have shifted to the practice of Quakerism. World leaders have named Carter a strong peace figure. Carter said he is "eager to bring simplicity to the world." "I can solve that Israeli-Palestinian thing very easily," said Carter. "What they need is an ad hoc committee to select a nominating committee to form a discernment committee that can identify what approach might be best in bringing the two regions together," explained Carter. "After they determine the method, we'll look into forming a committee to discuss implementing it." But not everyone is as optimistic about the transition as Carter. "This is an outrage," Pope Benedict IX told GNN. "A Quaker should not be leading global religion. I don't want some hippie running the Church." Moments of silence have replaced the national anthem in 30 countries, including the U.S. Worldwide, all soccer games have begun with at least 10 minutes of silence since Carter's appointment. "This kind of publicity is a dream come true for Quakers," said Carter. "Now we can sit silently out in the open instead of inside each other's living rooms!" Economists claim the popularity in Quakerism could save religious groups millions of dollars if they switch to unprogrammed worship. Abandoned buildings would serve as an adequate worship space, and the meetinghouse benches used for seating are the same ones that were erected in the 1700s, so no new purchases are required. However, while Quakerism reaches its all- time high in participation, other religions are declining in support. Buddhism is being mocked after Snoop Dog changed his name to Snoop Buddha and started making "zen music." Several sects of Christianity are facing ridicule after televangelist, pastor and founder of the nondenominational World Changers Church International, Creflo Dollar, used church funds to open a smoothie shop naively named Jesus's Juice. "As a Quaker, I consider everyone a friend, and it saddens me to hear of the hardships other religions are facing," said Carter. For decades, Quakers have been wrongly ’ identified as hippie, Mennonite or just plain weird according to Carter. "I am tired of the false labeling," said Carter. "Heck, you can call me Holy Father, just don't call me Amish." Biohazard hOsTs NaKeD WoRld TouRnaMent BY ANNEY BOLGIANO SiAff Writer Over the years, Guilford College has welcomed noteworthy speakers, talented musicians and other esteemed guests. Now, the Board of Trustees and 1 Guilford’s Biohazard Frisbee team have invited a new group of visitors that have the potential to attract prospective students and donors alike: international Frisbee players. Guilford will host an international Frisbee tournament on the weekend of April 19—21, but the unique style of play practiced by Biohazard will set the event apart from the usual Frisbee competitions. TO SEETHE FULL ARTICLE GOTO; www.guilfordian.conn Adam, a match. Naughty Nathan the Quaker Man gets nabbed smuggling reefer/kush abroad BY JOSH BALLARD Staff Writer At 6:35 p.m. on Sunday, March 17, Nathan the Guilford College Quaker Man boarded a flight to visit students studying abroad in Brunnenburg. Unbeknownst to the Transportation Security Administration, Nathan was packed to the brim with high quality marijuana, or, in technical terms, "dank weed." When he returned on Saturday March 23, he was promptly arrested in a joint TBA and CIA operation. "You can't argue with the facts; mascots are bad news for airports," said TSA screener Ingrid Benson. "Some of these new employees don't understand that they're supposed to have mascots remove their heads. Others, well, they don't want to discriminate." To combat the recent financial crisis, a large number of Division III mascots have been smuggling drugs to supplement their schools' income. Just last month Herm the Lion, mascot for the Old Dominion Athletic Conference's Eastern Mennonite University Royals, was arrested for attempting to sell ba^ salts to local coffee shops. 'This represents a growing and disturbing trend," said Associate Professor of Sports Studies Robert Malekoff. "You'd think that the legalization of performance-enhancing drugs in sports would be good enough for our athletics program, but no. Now our mascots have to smuggle drugs so that we can keep above the red. You can call it a black hole, just don't call it a solution." Student reaction, however, has been positive. "If what they say Nathan did is true, then more power to the big guy," said Guilford junior physics major Taylor Seitz. 'This school not only needs money, but publicity. Something like that is sure going to entice prospective students to attend Guilford. It gives the school an air of danger. I like danger." While abroad in Brunnenburg, Nathan reportedly sold enough marijuana to "placate all of North Korea," according to internal CIA reports obtained by The Guilfordian. "Nathan was a hit with the Dorf Triolians," the internal reports continue. "They were singing songs and laughing, but it was all just a cover as his contacts snuck up behind him, unzipped his back, and pulled the grass right out. of liim. They were smart, but we were smarter. All we had to do was arrest him in the States when he returned." In the video of the arrest, Nathan appears calm. His expression never changes, and he offers no resistance. The internal report also makes multiple references to college President Kent Chabotar, implicating him as the true mastermind befiind the smuggling. The report details how acquired drug money was funneled to an account Chabotar opened under the name "Spurtz Wahtur" to fund the construction of m^tiple fountains across campus. "If you print that, then your (butt) is grass!" said Chabotar in an interview during his open office hours. Despite this worrying trend, Nathan the Quaker Man seems to have returned to campus unscathed by the ordeal. Under article 4.20 of the Mascot Rights Act, mascots can only be incarcerated until they start to smell — the average period of which is six days. Nathan was asked to comment on the incident. ' "Mmmph phmphmph, mmbubphm," the mascot said upon his return. "Nthmph ntumguh brrrrrrlig ytth."
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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