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BY SHELBY SMITH
The Dcxtor’s Companion
Imagine the atmosphere of
monotony hanging heavily over
a boring class you have in King
Hall. You are just about to drift
to sleep on top of your blank
notebook when suddenly you
hear the greatest sound in the
universe:
Viuorp ... viuorp ... VWORP.
It is the blessed sound of the
TARDIS. However, everyone else
around you keeps saying that it is
only the ventilation system.
But now there is evidence that
the noise is indeed the famous
blue time traveling machine as
seen in the BBC series Doctor Who.
"I always thought it was just my
mind playing tricks on me after
all-nighters," said senior Adrienne
Mattson-Perdue. "Now that other
people have heard it too, I know
it's realand I'm excited about it!"
Doctor Who fans, or
"Whovians," all across campus
are buzzing with excitement and
questions. Who really is this 1000-
plus year old Time Lord? Why
would he be on campus? How
have we not seen him yet?
Clearly, the Doctor has
Hello, sweetie. Have
you seen any signs of
the Doctor’s presence? Please let The
Guilfordian know on our Facebook
page or on our website!
regenerated into a new form. He
could be anyone on campus. The
Doctor is notorious for blending in
or going completely undercover,
particularly at educational
institutions.
His regenerations have
progressively made him
look younger. Therefore, it is
possible he is either disguising
himself as a student or younger
staff member or instructor.
Most of the administration at
Guilford has kept quiet about
these recent inquiries and theories.
A usually eager interviewee
Aaron Fetrow was asked about
the Doctor, only to reply with
an alarmed face, "Doctor who?"
before rushing back into his office.
President Kent Chabotar
seemed to be the only official
willing to speak with any sort of
frankness with The Guilfordian.
"You can call me a coward,
just don't call me a liar," he said.
"All I can safely say is that if the
Doctor is here, then there is certain
danger ahead of us."
There have been subtle
signs of this impending danger
emerging around campus. In
Binford, students have been
complaining about mysterious
cracks in the walls. Credible,
though anonymous, members
of the biology department have
detected unidentified life forms
in the lake. Music majors have
been whispering about a drum
like beat consisting of four equal
beats echoing throughout Dana
Auditorium.
"I can't focus on any of my
other music assignments when I
hear it," said junior music major
Taylor Seitz, not realizing that he
was drumming that very same
rhythm against his lap as he was
being interviewed.
"If anything, I think the WiFi
being faulty is a sign of trouble,"
said sophomore Patrick Withrow.
"Daleks or Cybermen have been
know to use that sort of stuff to
take over the universe."
With this impending danger
becoming clearer, the search for
the Doctor has become crucial. It
appears the administration has
set its search for the mysterious
Time Lord on British students,
particularly those with innocuous
pocket watches in the case that the
Doctor is hiding away as a human
for some reason.
No leads or names have been
revealed due to a fear of fans
within the campus community.
Despite any fears of potential
danger, many students still
welcome the idea of the Doctor
being at Guilford.
"I'm definitely keeping my
headphones off for this," says
sophomore Cameron McDowell.
"Who knows when I'll run into
the guy?"
Whovians are advised to keep
a travel bag handy in the case
that you hear the sound of a
landing TARDIS and to prepare
themselves.
You never know. You may be
chosen to begin the journey of a
lifetime.
Frank Massey investigates the paranormal
BY KATY ANDREWS
Grand and Glorious Viceroy
"I was sworn to secrecy," bellowed Frank
Massey, IFP gifts discernment coordinator,
during a briefing with students and faculty.
"The FBI sent me here to investigate
paranormal activity. You can call me a crazy
a-hole. Just don't call me a liar."
It has recently been revealed that our
own Frank Massey was hired by the FBI to
investigate the ghosts, spirits, angels and
demons on our beloved campus.
From the tales of trickery brought about by
the little girl in Dana to the spirits who roam
the narrow brick pathways of the quad, all
have been proven to be true.
"I had no idea," said Max Carter, director
of the Friends Center and campus ministry
coordinator. "I mean, I knew Frank was
gifted, but I never knew that he was hired
by the government to look into our school.
It's shocking news, but honestly I'm more
interested in what he's found while he has
been here."
Most students and faculty are alarmed by
this breaking news but are also extremely
curious in Massey's research and what that
research has taught him.
"There are spirits that roam this campus
and the woods surrounding it,^' said Massey.
"The FBI sent me here because of the reports
that have been sent from this campus in the
past. All of these reports are true: the soldier
and little girl in Dana, the battle of good
versus evil regarding the angels and demons
of Dana and New Garden, and the soldiers
that roam the woods. If you open your eyes
and let your mind be free, you will feel them
and possibly see them as well."
One question that has recently been asked
by the community of Guilford is "What
would happen if Frank was not here?"
"If Agent Massey was not sent to Guilford
College, the paranormal would be rampant,"
sa'id Agent K, chief FBI paranormal
investigator. "Your campus would be
overrun by ghosts and spirits. They would
take over your dorms and your classes and
would eventually run your admissions office.
Do not think twice about that. Massey is an
interpreter for the spirit world, and without
him, all would be lost."
Since we have learned this vital
information, the faculty and staff have
decided that Frank Massey will never leave
Guilford College.
"Of course there are spirits on this
campus," said Aaron Fetrow, vice president
for student affairs and dean of students. "I
have experienced the paranormal myself,
and if Frank is the barrier between the spirit
world and Guilford College, he is here to
stay."
The Guilford College community mostly
all had the same reaction as Fetrow.
"Frank is a great guy," stated sophomore
Chandler Zirkle. "If he protects our college
and is a 'warrior for Guilford' — a Quaker
warrior of course — then he should just
continue his work."
Massey has since continued his work as
an investigator of the paranormal at Guilford
and in the Greensboro area, and he continues
to find more and more evidence. His evidence
is leading in one direction and one direction
only; we are not alone in this world, and we
have so much to learn.
Campus Life staff members Aaron Fetrow, Erin Fox, Tammy Alt, Jim Hood and
Steve Moran were caught making a ruckus in the Campus Life office, disturbing everyone
trying to work.Therefore, Campbell House members James Copp, Daniel Fulbrect,
Zachary Kronisch and James O’Neill banned all further Campus Life parties.
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