Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / March 28, 2014, edition 1 / Page 15
Part of The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / About this page
This page has errors
The date, title, or page description is wrong
This page has harmful content
This page contains sensitive or offensive material
THE ONLY RIGHT OPINION March 28, 2014 Concern arises over reflection Z Yay! Chabbys back, round two! BY CONNOR WILSON Staff Ginger C rushing news came this morning. The smoke that had been mysteriously pouring out of Founders Basilica had changed from black to white. That was when the campus fell silent. In a surprise announcement. President Kent Chabotar, through the smoke and fog, came out over the balcony outside of Founders. Re-elected to an unprecedented second term, he would now be former future former College President Kent Chabotar. While the courtyard was mainly empty, there was one disgruntled student outside of Founders with signs, one saying "Give up Kent for Lent." "I mean, you know that he picked out his own presidential council, right?" said the anonymous student. "Like, we know this; he didn't even try to hide it from anybody." This rumor was backed up by another high-ranking Guilford member who refused to give a name. "Those allegations are just preposterous," Chabotar shouted angrily at the gathered reporters from around North Carolina. He is certainly not creating very much hope for the future of Guilford. This announcement of re-election has been abysmal to his approval ratings. In a q random poll among students, Chabotar's o approval rating went down to nearly four | percent now approving, two percent not approving, and 94 percent unaware of the fact that Guilford College had a president. ^ Chabotar has already started off his re- election with unsavory actions like killing off Nathan the Quaker Man and funding a new water feature in his name and honor, and he makes no measures to change the direction he is sending the college. As a Guilfordian, I can only pray this is not indicative of the rest of his new term. BY ANONYMOUS Chabby’s No. I Fan BY KENT CHABOTAR 2 Chainz Fan But come on- Letter to the Editor: My bad! My dearest Guilford, ’ As you already know, this academic year will be my last with Guilford College.* I've had some time to reflect, and before I depart, I wanted to write an open letter to the community to apologize for some of the decisions I have made during my time at Guilford. First off. I'd like to apologize to the faculty and staff of Guilford. I had no right to ask you to work for so little while I earned an obscene amount of money and enjoyed my school-provided Lexus. Furthermore, it was an insult to the intelligence of the workers of this school to try and come off as a president who prioritized faculty and staff salaries after years and years of neglecting salary raises. To try in my final year to "advocate" for greater faculty compensation was a painfully transparent ploy to come off as a president for whom salary equity was a priority. Let's be real. I was president for over a decade, not one year. I'm responsible for the good and bad that happened during that time, and for salaries to fall so far is absolutely a reflection of my priorities. I'm also deeply sorry for pulling strings to build myself a new office in the Political Science department. I understand that, as a symbolic gesture, it is a slap in the face to the faculty of Guilford who have been told that there isn't enough money to support their livelihoods. I've worked way harder than everyone else at this school. At the very least. I'm 3.7 times more valuable than the average f^l professor at Guilford, hence my salary being 3.7 times higher than theirs. As such, I don't think itis unreasonable to have a nice office to come back to after my sabbatical. Some might say that the fact that I'll soon be teaching half the course load means that I should have half the office size or a reduced salary, but I'll just start tatking about capital expenditures, depreciation costs and some other budgetary mumbo-jumbo until you leave me alone. ’ I'd also like to apologize for making jokes about hookers being in the attic of my house. In no way is it acceptable for the leader of a prestigious academic institution to make offensive remarks condoning violence against women. When I approved the APS A decision to not pay our staff members who lead the Understanding Racism workshops, I made a grave mistake. I should have recognized the value of the tremendously important and healing work of the Multicultural Education Department and found a way to pay them for the occasional weekend's work. On the other hand, I really didn't want to switch back to "regular" gasoline — that's for the plebeians. If I had attended one of the workshops, I would imderstand that all institutions within a country foimded on white supremacy should critically examine how they function in order to work against the insidious nature of racism. My failure to do more than pay lip service to the Diversity Plan reinforces the cycle of progressive institutions making lofty claims to make themselves look good with no intention of following through. Finally, I apologize for my neglectful and dismissive attitude toward student concerns. My consistently snarky and condescending tone when addressing the student body is simply unacceptable. Even though I underpay your professors, I know you are all competent students with thoughtful critiques of the way your educational institution functions. At some point, I forgot that it takes 12 full sticker-price students to pay my annual salary. However, I adamantly refuse to apologize to The Guilfordian. They have slandered me time and time again, and while I am supposed to act my age, I can't help but make snide comments whenever I get the chance. Then again, itis just a school newspaper run by a bimch of 18-year-olds with no accountability or sense of personal responsibility — why shoitid a thick-skinned adult let children get the better of him? T he entirety of Guilford College campus was on edge this morning. The presidential candidate was about to be announced. Most of the student and faculty had gathered outside of Foimders. "ITs been really stressful, you know?" said one student, claiming to be the head of a Kent Chabotar fan club. "We'U never have another president like Kent." A solemn tear dripped down the student's face. As the smoke pouring out of the Founders Gallery changed from black to white, parts of the crowd cheered while others wept. I, for one, was with the weepers — weeping tears of joy. Banners rolled down over Founders Gallery's front windows, with pictures of the Right Honorable President Kent Chabotar. "Well, as you know, being the president of a college is hard work," said Chabotar an interview after the celebrating masses had parted. Max Carter, pope of the Quaker faith, stood beside me, weeping softly. "ITs really quite great," said Carter, urging me to ignore the men behind him dressed in black P suits. "Chabotar and I have been such great friends. "WhaT s even better is that there will be so much money for the political science department." Chabotar's first move was to remove Nathan the Quaker man, a long-outdated mascot, in favor of a more up-to-date icon: the Squirrel. I agree wholeheartedly with this move. Apparently, so does the rest of the campus, with ■ W BV Chabotar's approval rating skyrocketing to over m iTi m ft V I i m This is the highest his approval rating has ■ ■ II J been since last year's publidty stunt to enroll as _ ^ gstudent. 'That short month as a student gave me a new sense of energy," Chabotar said. "I am back with new ideas, and we're gonna make this the best campus ever." From all of us here at The Guilfordian, welcome back, Kent! 1 New student trustee, Nottacop The students and the board listened. "We need a of Guilford spoke, of trustees finally BY NELLIE VINOGRAD Doge Expert new voice on our board," one member of the board said. "Someone who will capture the essence of a Guilford student and represent the minds of our youth." Johnny Nottacop, a CCE sophomore and recent transfer student from Ohio, said he is more than open to hearing everything Guilford students have to say. As the newest addition to the board of trustees and the first-ever student member, he will undoubtedly do an incredible job at reaching out to the students. "What's going on at Guilford?" he asked at a recent Commnity Senate meeting, looking around expectantly. "What's the haps? What are us kids talking about, huh?" His curiosity and open-minded style will do wonders for the board of trustees who have recently come under fire for seeming distant and out-of-touch at the recent town hall meeting. Distance is not an issue for Nottacop, whose close-talking will literally force the board of trustees to look into the eyes of a true Guilford student. "I just want to be one of you," Nottacop said. "I'm a student like the rest of you. You can trust me." Trust we can. Nottacop has stunning credentials from his previous school. College University, where he was the president of the Honors Club and a straight-A student. "But I'm not a square," Nottacop said. "I'm just like you. I'm cool. I like to party." On the weekends, Nottacop said he always makes fun for himself. "I love nothing more than curling up with a cup of hot tea and a Malcolm Gladwell book — uh, I mean, I love nothing more than just chilling out, you know, having fun and stuff. College things." The board of trustees is incredibly pleased with the decision, as they should be. Finally, they have proven how well they understand the experience of a Guilford student. "Johnny is such a youthful, young guy, and we all think he is the ideal Guilford student," said board of trustees Chair Joseph M. Bryan Jr. '60. "His constant references to youth culture and social media make us think he is just what we need to reach out to these kids here at Guilford." Still, student opinion on Nottacop seems to be mixed. One anonymous student wearing hemp cargo pants and a dashild said Nottacop "seemed suspicious," while another student said he was "really friendly, but like, maybe too friendly?" Student opinion aside, Nottacop is the best choice to represent the student body and will properly communicate the needs of a re^ student to the board. "We get it," Bryan said. "We know what college kids are like these days. We are not out of touch — just look at Johnny, he is without a doubt an excellent representation of a college student. We are very much in-touch with the youth."
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
March 28, 2014, edition 1
15
Click "Submit" to request a review of this page. NCDHC staff will check .
0 / 75