QUIDDITCH
8
WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM
So long to Quaker mascot
CHABBY INTRODUCES NEW MASCOT,
NATHAN, QUAKER MAN DISAPPEARS
BY ALLIE BADDLEY
Nathan the Quaker Man*s DiscRUNTLEO Wife
"But I'm a Guilford College Quaker/' yelled senior
women's lacrosse player Becca Colley.
Since President and Professor of Political Science Kent
Chabotar decided to remain president, he has also decided
to make more APS A changes.
"My secret will be out as soon as I report my change to
the mascot," Chabotar explained. "But, 1 must do this for
them.
"The new mascot, as of this upcoming fall semester, will
now be called the Guilford College Dilapidated Squirrel!"
Chabotar has a secret hidden from all students and
faculty.
"Ever since I was young. I've been an avid squirrel lover,"
said Chabotar.
His two techniques of communication with squirrels are
twerking and flicldng his tongue. To respond, the squirrels
shake their tails back at him.
Observing one of Guilford's core values, equality,
Chabotar is going to ask all students and faculty to treat the
squirrels as equals.
The squirrels demand more of a presence on campus.
They want to be appreciated for eating the trash around
campus to keep Guilford clean.
Expect to see drastic changes to Guilford in less than a
montii. Another new APSA change states that all squirrels
will take over the Old Apartments.
Various resident advisors from other dorms were forced
to move into the Old Apartments.
"1 just don't like squirrels," said junior Shelton Watson, a
Milner RA."1 am worried they will smell and be too rowdy."
"My main concern is having to write them up for drinking
too much Hazelnut Smirnoff Vodka," said sophomore
Milner RA Stephanie Byer.
As for dining, the squirrels will now have their own
section of the cafeteria.
Unfortunately, their section will replace the vegan station.
Chabotar told Julie Elmore, the vegan station chef, to take
charge of the squirrels' diet.
Elmore will have to adjust her creativity for the squirrels'
dishes with imported artisanal nuts as the main ingredient.
"Don't get me wrong, I love squirrels, but 1 feel bad for all
the students and faculty that love my station," Elmore said.
"I am also quite worried I will not be able to come up with
any good meals for those picky squirrels."
"I cannot believe they are taking away my favorite
section of the cafeteria," said sophomore Chessy Quigley.
"How will I live without Julie's vegan stir-fry?"
The third APSA change calls for the removal of the
Armfield Athletic Center for a mega- tree house.
"I'm stoked," said Conker Squirrel. "Serendipity
everyday."
Chabotar plans to include climbing walls, mazes and a
hot tub.
"If tire students have a gym, the squirrels should have an
equivalent," Chabotar said.
First-year football player Martinus Crump said
that he eats squirrel eggs for lunch.
"I am outraged as a student-athlete," said Crump. "I
don't want to have to travel just to attend practice.
"And all for the squirrels? They are already a huge
inconvenience; this is just adding to that."
Though many Guilford College students are upset by
these changes, Chabotar is quite titillated.
"I think it'll be really nice to finally honor the squirrels
the way they deserve," said Chabotar. "Giving them the
position as our mascot is the perfect way to do it."
President Kent Chabotar assaults Nathan under the sunset.
Cause of student-athlete divide
found: drug tests split campus
BY KELLI URESTI
Resident Narc
Over the past few weeks, students tried to figure out the
root cause of the infamous athlete and non-athlete divide.
The conclusion: drugs.
The Wednesday before Spring Break, Community Senate
held an open forum to discuss the apparent divide.
Administrators and staff were invited to the meeting along
with aU students. Voices were heard and valid points were
raised.
Thanks to Dean of Students and Vice President for Student
Affairs Aaron Fetrow, students who are not playing a varsity
sport are free to use drugs, when and wherever on campus.
"I am an athlete here at Guilford and, because of Aat, I
am drug tested all the time," said senior baseball player Babe
Robinson. "It doesn't seem fair that the athletes have to be
tested when the non-athletes stroll around all day, every day
high as a kite."
Junior Saffron Sky, president of the Outdoors Qub, said
that in fact, athlete drug testing is a fair trade.
"If you want to dabble on the dark side, then stop playing
sports," said Sky. "It's that simple."
Athletes around campus also said that there are no
consequences for students if they are caught with dope.
"Yeah man, I light up every day outside of King Hall," said
sophomore Josh Black. "My roommate usually shoots up in a
Dana HaU bathroom.
"He's into the heavy stuff."
Junior golfer Arnold Woods admitted that he watched
abusers light up dank in the tobacco smoking area.
"It smeUs so delicious," said Woods. "I remember my first
year, they would go to the woods, and I would hide in trees
just to get a whiff."
According to a newly released APSA report, there are no
restrictions when it comes to doping with campus employees.
Senior Jewel Jay, a Guilford Peace Society and Ultimate
Frisbee dub member, said she has already taken advantage
of the new policy.
"Maybe I have smoked with Public Safety once or twice,
but we never do it in public," said Jay. "We prefer to hotbox
the Public Safety golf carts."
Public Safety can be found often at drug locations
throughout the day. When questioned about students, the
public safety officers found it hard to respond as he finished
off his roach.
"Athletes are alcoholics and non-athletes are drug addicts,"
said Public Safety Officer Rob Ford. "Me, well. I'm both."
Fetrow knows the issues of the divide all too well.
"On one side, you have what the non-athletes like to call
'dipsomaniacs and drunkards,"' said Fetrow. "On the other
side, you have what athletes like to call 'tree-hugging smelly
hippies.' However, both have much more in common than
they think.
"They aU have issues."
After hours of intensive discussions, Fetrow said that it is
against Guilford's core value of equality to only have athletes
drug-tested.
"Either test everyone on campus or don't test us at aU,"
said junior soccer player Hope Hamm.
"As long as it doesn't affect my life," said Ford. "Who gives
a damn?"
VV ant to discuss this?
Ctnne to Senate!
t'd. April i:-> J
a.m.