Newspapers / The Guilfordian. / April 3, 2015, edition 1 / Page 11
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The Goofordian April 3, 2015 | 3 RUMORS WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM/NEWS GUILFORDIAN@GUILFORD.EDU Two presidents enter. One leaves. BY BEATRiZ CALDAS Hot Brazilian On April 5, Guilford College will be the central stage for an epic event no one ever thought would take place on a Quaker campus: a cage fight. After a year on sabbatical, former Guilford president Kent Chabotar is back and ready to claim his throne once again, believes he is the College Chabotar everything needs to present overcome situation. “I actually thought Jane would be doing great job,” said Chabotar. “But when I read in The Guilfordian about the budget crisis and all the issues involving the Greenleaf, I decided it was time to put our beloved school back on track.” President Jane Fernandes refuted Chabotar’s claim. “It’s easy to point fingers and accuse,” said Fernandes. “The budget situation isn’t my fault. When I came in, I was not made aware of how bad it really was.” Fernandes was left in her first year as president with a $2 million budget deficit, while Chabotar enjoyed a very well-financed sabbatical and now returns to a new office constructed for himself at Duke Hall. “Chabotar is trying to play the blame game and kick me out,” said Fernandes. “But guess what? I’m not going anywhere.” Chief Salty, one of the most well known squirrels around campus, witnessed Chabotar’s confrontation with Fernandes about the cage fight. Max Carter, squirrel whisperer and Director of the Friends Center, helped The Guilfordian with the translation. “He seemed very nervous and angry,” said Salty. “He told her something about not letting anyone take what was ‘rightfully his.’ I don’t know most of what the lady said though. She just kept using her hands to talk, especially her middle finger.” News travels fast in a small place like Guilford, and soon every staff member and student had heard about the upcoming fight. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened on campus.” said junior Ben Dover. “I can’t wait to see Kent destroying Jane. I mean, he’s a guy, so it’s pretty obvious who’s going to win.” The Campus Activity Board started selling tickets two weeks ago and promised it would be even better than Serendipity. A disc-jockey, tons of fast food and T-shirts with “Team J” and “Team K” written on them will be part of the event as well. Sexual Assault Awareness Support Advocacy members are also in a fight to bring awareness about sexism thait ts involved in the event. T “Jane Fernandes is seen as Kent’s subordinate, when she should be seen as his equal,” said senior and President of SAASA Joelle Rollo- Koster. “Women are just as strong as men are, so SAASA is in full support of our current president.” The cheerleading team, however, is not clear about if they are going to take sides, but they do promise lots of jaw-drop|^ during the cage fight, including their new addition. “Yes, it was a surprise for me, too,” said Carter, “They saw me running around announcing the event and asked me if I would join them. I thought, ‘well, why not?”’ In a few days, Guilford College will have its first violent showcase, which is sure to become history. When asked about his feelings, Chabotar was curt. “I’ve got nothing to fear,” he said. “I’m feeling ready, and I know there’s only one person coming out of that cage alive: me. Fernandes, however, seems more tranquil. “Men always think they are better than women, especially when it comes to proving their masculinity,” said Fernandes. “Unfortunately, Kent is going to have to live without it when I kick his ass,” The cage fight will take place near the lake at 8 p,m. right after the usual moment of silence. In the meantime, learn Guilford’s new favorite cheer. Fight! Fight! Inner light! Kill, Quakers, kill!” New EGG dorms prompt outrage while Bryan Jr. undergoes investigation BY BEN ACHILLES Patroclus' Lover On March 10, Guilford College’s ATM machine Joseph M. Bryan Jr. won the North Carolina lottery for $100 million. Bryan Jr. continues to make it rain as he donated $50 million to Guilford, commanding them to spend it on new Early College dorms. “The dorms will go up right after spring break,” said Bryan Jr. “Having the dorms will boost the retention of Early College students and help bring down the school deficit, just like with the fountain and the fence around the stadium.” The board of trustees agreed with Bryan Jr.’s decision the night of the lottery win. “Joseph called us and he was so excited, how could we say no?” said trustee Louis Simmons. “Anything that keeps me on the team, you know?” On March 16, Early College students moved into the new dorms while traditional students were on spring break. “Since Early College Students are exiled from most of campus and its activities, it’s quite nice they decided to lets us see what were missing out our windows,” said Early College sophomore Lizzy Sandberg. “But I can see the disappointment of traditional students, and their frowns definitely .cements my decision to not attend Guilford for college.” Many traditional students are livid about the new dorms. “So like, they get a place to stay for free?” said junior Jamal Johnson. “That’s hilarious. While I’m paying off my loans until I’m 40, these kids will have their noses up the butts of full ride scholarships. Why do these midgets get special treatment?” Early College students seem fine with the new option to stay on campus. “It’s really convenient to get my weed whenever I need it,” said Early College senior Clark Calamine. “I used to always wait until after class. Now, I can pay with my parents’ njoney whenever.” As weed prices decline, tensions over the new dorms continue to rise. “I don’t know,” said Associate Vice President of Communications and Marketing Ty Buckner. “I mean, the board told me not to say anything.” Traditional students plan to protest the opening of the new dorms outside its main lobby on April 5. “I’m going to the protest,” said sophomore Kelly Sanchez. “I heard there would be free pizza. I don’t care about the dorms though. I live off campus, and those preteens do my math homework anyway.” Traditional students are also worried about lots of Early College presence during Serendipity. “Those litde tykes could be a huge liability issue, brc^j. said senior Trent Flannery. “I woke up mad l^gover in a random dorm with my clothes on backwards. I don’t want to end up in some squirt’s dorm room when I’m just trying to black out, my dude.” Public Safety has taken new precautions to keep Early College students safe. “We’ll be on our new golf carts protecting the students inside and around the building during the protest,” said P-Safe officer David Gauldin. “As we watch from afar sitting in our carts, hopefully no one will be hurt.” Rachel Murray, senior and head organizer of the protest, reacted to Gauldia’s safety concerns. “P-Safe shouldn’t be protecting Early College students, they should be protecting the administration,” said Murray. “This issue could get end in a non-Quakerly confrontation, if you know what I mean, I bet you Bryan is planning something with that other 50 million as well.” Campus squirrel Fuzzy Fuzzleston reported Bryan Jr.’s plan for the rest of his lottery earnings is to construct a new underground night club scene for the Guilford squirrel community. Trustee member Cherp Squeekers was caught on recent leaked film footage. “As a representative of squirrels on campus, I’m excited to see that our militia was put at ease,” said Squeekers. “I persuaded Bryan Jr. without having to cause a coup.” As many more issues are predicted to arise, the Guilford County Police Department is investigating Bryan Jr. for fraud. Reports indicate he could possibly be 50 squirrels pretending to be human. Tradtiono! students disapprove of new Early College dorms on campus built after a large donation was given to the college by Joseph M. Bryan Jr.
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