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The Goofordian April 3, 2015 1 5 RIAS WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM/OPINION Only George W. Bush can save the US BY NICOLE ZELNIKER Overachiever Former President George W. Bush is running for a third term as president of the United States, and it’s the best thing that could have happened to this country. “Bush did more for this country than the other 42 presidents combined,” said first-year Billy Doyle, dedicated member of the Guilford College Republicans. “At least, I think that’s how many presidents there are. This time. Bush is running on the platform that this country needs more “Texas swagger,” a problem which everyone agrees needs to be solved. “It’s true that this country needs't more swagger,” said junior Buddy Eldon, Dallas resident. “People walk like zombies over here. Like, I feel like I should be scared because all my classmates are members of the undead.” In a statement to Wikipedia, Bush expressed his enthusiasm in running for another term, an enthusiasm shared by all Guilford. “I’m enthused to be running for president of this fine country, these United States of America,” said Bush, according to Wikipedia. Bush also made a statement about running against his brother, Jeb Bush. “Oh, you know Jeb,” said Bush. “He’s just running to get some good old family rivalry going.” Other issues Bush hopes to tackle in his presidency include the decrease in tie-wearing Americans and the fact that Americans don’t smile enough. “Well, obviously Americans need to wear more ties,” said senior Rusty Homer, who claims he has now gone 508 days without wearing the same tie twice. “The same is true for smiling. George has an awesome smile.” Even other parties are excited about Bush running for a third term. “Bush is (totally awesome),” said first-year Natasha Alexandra, who identifies as a Democrat. “I don’t know why he (hasn’t run again before).” Libertarians, too, know that Bush is the main man. “Bush is my home boy,” said sophomore Rex Virgil, who claims to identify as Libertarian, even though he is On Wed. April 1, George W. Bush spoke in Tallahassee, Florida before Kid Rock's big show in Tampa for the campaign's show. running for a position on the board of the Guilford College Republicans next year. “Everyone knows Bush is cool, yo.” As Guilford College prepares to support Bush’s campaign, students, faculty and staff alike are preparing their own campaigns for Bush. “We’re teaming up with the local George Bush Fan Club and the Guilford College Republicans,” said Eldon. “We’re picketing outside soon. You know, students had the die- in and walk-out outside Founders, and those were pretty successful, so we figured why not.” Currently, Bush is taking a tour across the United States, campaigning for his third term as president in some pretty cool ways, including rock concerts with Kid Rock to promote his campaign. , “Isn’t Kid Rock the guy that said he’s opposed to gay marriage and played at Obama’s inauguration even though he didn’t vote for Obama?” asked sophomore Hilary Allison, loyal Guilford College Democrat. “That’s (really cool).” I, for one, loved seeing Bush when his tour stopped in Greensboro. “We hosted Bush last week at the Greensboro Coliseum,” said local George Bush Fan Club founder Dewey Dudley. “They were going to host Margaret Atwood, but we were like, ‘George Bush’ and they were hke, ‘Well, okay,’ so that’s that.” Regardless of your political position, it’s nice to see Bush making a comeback. “However you look about it. Bush is cool,” said Doyle. Vote for Bush.’^ claims to identify as Libertarian, even though he is Isn t Kid Rock the guy that said he s opposed to gay Vote tor bush. Cannibalism: swallow your pride and eat your friends ver the past few years, the popularity vegan and gluten-ffee diet. BY QUINCY MALESOVAS Humantarian Over the past few years, the popularity of veganism increased significantly not just on campus but also across the country. Plant eaters have argued that this dietary decision is better for their own health, the animals and the environment. But what is to be said for produce that gets shipped in from far-flung places? And how about those overly processed meat and cheese replacements? Both are surely contributing to a fair amount of carbon emissions and may not be so healthy after all. Luckily, students at Guilford have another solution in mind. Cue cannibalism: the hot new diet for the globally conscious. It is guaranteed to control overpopulation, solve world hunger and rid you of your enemies. “Our precious Earth is facing a slew of problems because there are way too many damn people,” said sophomore Forest Woods, co-founder of Guilford Anthropomorphic Consumption Coalition. “Eating them is the best solution I have come across.” Some cannibals noted physical benefits of their nosh, proving that sustainability is not the only reason to adopt the diet. “I felt a difference right away,” said senior football player Hulk Bronan. “My skin cleared up, my digestion improved and I can lift more weight.” But while Bronan is thriving, others have experienced difficulty maintaining their human consumption. “I felt weak and tired all the time,” said one student who wishes to remain anonymous. “I was always hungry. Social situations were uncomfortable and eating out was a challenge.” She has since reverted back to a raw. vegan and gluten-ffee diet. “The catch is that not all human meat is the same,” said nutritional science Ph.D. Dr. Lesley McDonald. She is attempting to break the stigma that cannibals are unhealthy and barbaric by encouraging proper nutrition and relabeling the diet. She has dubbed it “humantarian” (not to be confused with humanitarian) and is hoping the title will soon catch on. “I urge humantarians to stick to healthier cuts — stay away from junk-food junkies and couch potatoes,” said McDonald. If the perks of cannibalism still don’t compel you, consider all the money you could save on groceries. “Right now we use a hunting system, which is free except for weapon expenses,” said Carrie Gunn, co-founder and president of GACC. “Taxes will probably skyrocket once cannibalism is legalized, but right now my food bill is lower than it’s ever been.” If you are interested in cannibalism, come to a GACC club meeting (before it’s too late). They take place every Saturday at 12 a.m. behind the graffiti wall. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your own weapon of choice and a fork. steak TU'Bed
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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