Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / April 3, 2015, edition 1 / Page 15
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The Goofordian Aprils, 2015 | 7 COOL STUFF WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM/FEATURES GUILFORDIAN@GUILFORD.EDU Sandworm tunnels into Guilford's heart BY ALLISON STALBERG Sandworm Enthusiastic Guilford College warmly welcomes new student Sandy Silstablaaaast into our community. Silstablaaaast has become big news, as he is our only off world student since the graduation of that lovable turian, Garrus Vakarian, in 2012. “Sandy is curious by nature,” said Assistant Professor of English Mylene Dressier. “I think Guilford really fits his discovery-fueled character.” Far from the planet Arrakis, Silstablaaaast has been taking time to adapt to our earthly ways. Because water is fatal to sandworms, Silstablaaaast avoids places such as the Guilford lake, and stays indoors during snow and rainfall. “I saw Sandy shivering in the Dana Auditorium,” said first-year Sandra Sandalot. “1 asked him what was wrong, and it turned out it was snowing outside. I called Public Safety, and we got a 450-meter tarp, tied each corner to a cart and drove Sandy home while he was safely sheltered.” Because the sandworm diet is mostly sand, Guilford’s grill is getting some new menu items. Sand is now an option for wraps. There will also be fried sand balls, sandfredo sauce, sandshakes, sandwiches, sandburgers and fried okra. On top of diet and the danger of water, Silstablaaaast has overcome other personal hurdles such as reading and writing. “He wanted to spend more time studying on Arrakis but his family didn’t have books, so it was especially difficult for him to learn how to read,” said Assistant Director of Study Abroad Daniel Diaz. Currently, Silstablaaaast is enrolling in four Guilford courses, including environmental studies, geology, Zumba and Jazz Appreciation. “Sandy is stunning,” said fellow Zumba student and senior Shelly Beach. “He doesn’t have arms or legs, but he knows how to move.” Silstablaaaast plans to get a, mathematics degtee and go to graduate school for mechanical engineering. He is getting the degree to help the spice flow. He currently uses the career development center to get help with writing resumes. “The spice must flow,” said senior Patrick Withrow. Not everyone has been welcoming to Silstablaaaast’s presence at Guilford, though. “It’s a monster,” said junior Dicky McDickerson. Sandy Silstablaaaast; a new student on campus, plans to major in mathematics and after go on to study mechanical engineering. “Diversity is going to destroy us. This is truly the end of as junior Ryan Siebens. peace. I see Sandy, and all I can think of is the abyss that “He plays a mean game of Bridge,” said Siebens, his eyes CANCELLED — is our future. We are lost, like dust in the cruel swaying ghttering with respect. wind.” Silstablaaaast would like to thank the Freman on Arrakis Many students disagree with McDickerson though, such for making this miracle of an opportunity possible. ■ ■ “ “ ■ “GWRAUUUUUUUUUUG,” said Silstablaaaast. BLAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUG.” College cuts classes to compensate for budget crisis on- All only a up their but the CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 auditorium and make off with the ticket fees?” said Utter. “It’s the way the Greensboro Coliseum makes their money. Why not us?” The budget committee and the board saw the promise in Utter’s idea, and they have already begun to change things. “I woke up last night, and there was eviction notice on my door,” said Guilford sophomore Patrick Smith. “The note told me I had a week to move out, that I had to leave all my furniture and that the school had given me two tickets to a Blake Shelton concert.” Smith is not alone, campus students have matter of days to pack bags and get moving, committee feels it is the price the community has to pay. “I do feel bad for the kids, but the dorm buildings are perfect for housing our attendees,” said board member Ida Ontcare. “Once ‘the Olds’ become ‘Ye Old Quaker Inn and Suites,’ we can rake in the cash on tickets and overnight stays.” The possibilities seem as enchanting as the new neon sign designed for the Frank Science Building or, as it is now called, the Frank Auxiliary Stage. Even more captivating are the greater implications of the new financial plan. “I think this event-based approach has a chance to ‘go viral,’ as the kids say,” said leading economist and member of the Credo consulting team the group hired to advise the board, Lucifer P. Moneybags. “Many of the colleges I advise have taken notice, and many are taking steps towards their own event based programs.” Many economists like Moneybags see the event-only approach as an easy way to escape the stormy seas of the modern college marketplace. “We’ve seen problems with colleges everywhere, even close to home,” said Moneybag’s partner John Stacks. “Sweet Briar College in Virginia’s recent closure caused a lot of panic. The disaster easily could have been prevented if the board pushed the school toward an event-based model.” The name Sweet Briar floated through many conversations during recent board meetings. In early March, Sweet Briar College, a small women’s only school in Sweet Briar Virginia, abruptly announced its closure due to monetary issues. The board of trustees agrees with Stacks and Moneybags, and they openly convey their fear of being ‘Sweet Briared.’ “If you look at what happened to (Sweet Briar), it’s really sad,” said board member Rose Sugar. “The entire campus used to feel so sweet, but now they’re stuck in a pretty thorny situation.” Far from being ‘Sweet Briared,’ Guilford’s shifting model sends them into the forefront of college fundraising by moving past the ineffective class model. Looking forward, the campus of Guilford Event Center will continue to evolve to fit its new needs. Concert, lecture and debate fans can look forward to attending a multitude of unique occasions this fall. From Nickleback featuring Selena Gomez to the encore tour of reporter Edwin Black, there is plenty to get excited about. After the budget committee transformed the college, The Guilford Event Center creates a fall lineup including concerts from Nickleback ft. Selena Gomez.
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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April 3, 2015, edition 1
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