page Four.
THE SALEMITE
Friday, March 31, 1939.
HEDY LAMARR IS
VISITOR AT SALEM
COLLEGE CAMPUS
(Here’s the Best of It)
■walk. All the young men, old men,
married men (don’t tell!), bachelors
aiid grandpas from miles around,
having heard of Miss Lamarr’s ar
rival, had come on bus, car, and
airplane to get a glimpse of the
glamorous star. There they were
hanging on the windows, suspended
from the light fixtures, piling down
the aisles — and WE stood at the
bottom of the outside steps, not able
to move an inch nearer. Those hand
some young men who used to keep
the telephpne wires burning (?),
didn’t even see TJS. So we sat de
jected on blue Buicks, black Buicks,
grey phaetons, grey convertibles,
and maroon Dodges outside.
Men infected the campus for the
rest of the day, and not until the
National Guard was called out
could the grounds be cleared, (a spec
ial committee was appointed to keep
Miss Lamarr out of the sight of the
National Guard members!)
By mere chance we learned that
one of Miss Lamarr’s burning pas-
gions was Biology, and all that is
connected with the poor bug and the
withering leaf. So Tuesday n'ght
the iron gates under the arch w-ere
bolted, more guard members placed
on the campus while Mr. Campbell
took Hedy on a tour of the science
building. Afterward the two had a
nice quiet chat under the willow tree,
discussing the modern developments
in the realm of science.
The next day our hearts bounded
up to the skies when we saw the
pile of telegrams on Miss Mattie’s
table. The postman was forced to
hire an extra carrier to bring them,
and when the arrived he
applied for Miss Mattie’s position,
or .just any position here at Salem
for a week’s duration! Miss Law
rence, by the way, and Miss Turling
ton, after hearing Hedy’s lecture on
the art of make-up, appeared at
breakfast with a new coat of Doro
thy Perkin’s and their hair let down
in that “flowing, breezy way.”
Friday night Salem’s little “girls
about town,” all sat at home and
watched with sad hearts while the
men all gathered around the siren
out in Salem square. (The new lights
put up all over the campus were put
up for the purpose of using the
grounds in the night as well as day.)
The living room space did not prove
ample.
The situation was getting desper
ate. Lonely hearts clubs were pre
valent. In fact Salem’s name was
changed to the “Institution for the
Maltreated, the Neglected, and the
About-to-be-Old-Maids! ‘ ‘ Something
must be done!”, w^e all shouted.
Even the principals of education
were being neglected. We no longer
reaped benefits from Biology, Psy
chology, Chemistry, History, and
Physics. In fact, these classes were
indefinitely suspended.
So Saturday the school went on a
strike. We weren’t going to stand
for men infesting the place. Hedy
or no Hedy we had to study. She
could just take her long lashes else
where. The National Guard was
called out again! Miss Lamarr was
transported to a suite in the Robert
E. Lee. And that’s where she is
now. The Lions, Rotarians, Ki-
wanians, Jaycees, Bachelors, Fire
men, the Y. M. C. A., all have in
their bids tp entertain Miss Hedy
Lamarr. Uptown the streets are dec
orated with red and white roses, and
the sidewalks are covered with a
canopy of white velvet on which she
may tread.
As a token of happy days spent
For Perfect
Printinq
lates 1
Diol9722
PiedmontEnqi'avinqCo.
AT MAIN ST.
DIVERGENCIES
IN EQUIPMENT FOR
CESSATION
There are, of course, many kinds
of chairs. There is the Morris Chair,
the straight backed chair, the chaise
lounge, and the rocking chair. How
ever, these names of chairs may be
siniplified and called by merely three
names: the comfortable, semi-com-
fortable, and uncomfortable chairs.
Perhaps if you are a philosopher,
a cynic, or a suspicious person, you
might try to discover some traits of
an individual’s true personality or
character by the chair this person
would choose to sit in, when he en
ters a room in which there are many
different kinds of chairs.
A tired or lazy per.son will choose
the soft cushioned chair; most any
one will take the semi-comfortable
chair, and the stiff-backed, prim per
son will choose the uncomfortable
chair. However, as there are ex
ceptions to every rule, I know of
one exception to this theory that
will confuse the philosopher, cynic,
and suspicious person. These worthy
people must not judge the members
of my family by the kinds of chairs
we sit in; for the person, or the dog
if he slipped in, who got to the chair
first would take the comfortable
chair, the person who arrived next
the semi-comfortable, and the poor
soul who arrived last the uncomfort
able chair.
April Fool
PLANS FOR ENTER
TAINING DATES
In the very near future “What
can I do with my dates?” will no
longer be a problem. No more will
girls moan and groan when they
can’t go “out;” and no longer* \vill
be heard ‘ ‘ there i.sn’t a thing to di
but sit in the parlor.”
Oh, no, Salem is going to be the
most attractive school in the- world.
And why? Because we have conceived
some excellent plans that will reforu;
and rejuvenate the whole school.
The idea is to make every bod\
have a good time. And so we think
that Miss Lawrence and Miss Turl
ington ought to meet the dates at the
front door, and tell them that they
must get down off their high-horses
and make themselves at home, then
it would be a good idea if the
“daughters of destiny,” who are
used to looking on from the second
floor window would come down to the
living-room and entertain the boy»
while the girls who have the dates
get ready.
The best plan we have is about
the lake. The idea is to dam up
the creek down on May Court, and
make a lake. Of course, on the
lake there will be a boat house and
— canoes! ’nough said.
Then, too, we plan to turn the
library into a play house —just for
nights, of course. The Reading Room
will be a skating i-ink, because it’s
so nice and large. And the corridors
will be bowling alleys.
here, .she left with us a portrait of
herself done in oil. It now hangs in
the lobby of Main Hall, next to our
President.
GIRLS!
Don’t go home without
seeing Montaldo’s newest
spring fashions.
MONTALDO'S
311 W. Fourth Street
FINE CHIFFON HOSE
With Lace Heel and Toe,
All in New Spring Colors
Price 51J5
D. G. CRAfENJCO.
ON lONOBANCE OF GIBLS’
SCHOOLS
(Continued From Page One)
except one who is fat and used as
comedy relief for the rest of the
sorority . . . the reason we don’t be
lieve that is because we think all
college girls are beautiful . . . that
college women study for a career . . .
that men in.structors with wavy hair
don’t flunk students . . . that in bull
sessions they talk about men three-
fourths of the time (you may esti
mate your own ratio) .... that girls
don’t pay any attention to make-up
except on week-ends . . . that all the
girls have aunts with whom they
spend the week-end in town.
April Fool ——
ABOUT THIS WEEK’S GUEST
WRITERS, PETE IVEY AND
STUART RABB
(Continued From Page One)
finishes school.”
“Well,’ they said, “if you are
dead set on a career, take up some
gentle, remunerative pursuit, like
selling insurance, or interior decora
ting, or secretarial W'ork. Don’t
w'ork on a newspaper.”
“Ha,” w’e said, “why are YOU
working on a newspaper?”
They assured us that it was a long
story, and that their children were
going to be bond salesmen or corpo
ration lawyers.
What we really wanted from the
interview was to get the two young
gentlemen to write something for
this April Fool’s issue of the Sale-
mite. They were flattered by this
proof of devotion to their column
and promised to have the article in
the mail box by Thursday night.
They also promised faithfully that
it would be something clean and pure
with no swearing in it — something
so immaculate that the Will Hays
Office would probably adopt it as a
shining example. In fact, from all
their promises, we thought the ar
ticle probably wouldn’t even be fun-
ny-
The interview ended after an
hour and a half of interesting dis
cuss on —■ which included mention of
a dinner invitation for ourselves and
Dean Turlington. Upon leaving the
boarding house we were escorted by
the young gentlemen to the nest of
city newspaper men, the Journal-
Sentinel building. There we were
•shown newspaper life in the raw.
Time demanded that our visit be
ended. The younger of the two
columnists gallantly offered to ride
us back to Salem in his new flame-
red coupe— We accepted his offer.
Last night in the Saleniite box we
found an impressive Journal-Sentinel
envelope. Inside were the two ar
ticles which had been promised.
(Tliey really had promised only
one.) We offer them to you now
with the sincere hope that you will
enjoy reading them as much as we
enjoyed asking for them.
Accompanying the articles was a
brief note:
Dear Editor:
Please feel free to cut these as
much as you please. This is also to
remind you that you owe us a col
umn,
sr & pi.
For the benefit of our readers we
did not cut so much as a comma,
which reminds us — in a rash mo
ment we DID promise to write a
column for them!
April Fool
THE SAGA OF SUSIE KEW
(Continued From Page One)
“Well, everything went all right
until intermission at the Saturday
night dance. Then Joe — he’s one
of Bill’s friends, and he gave me
a swell rush at the dance — well, Joe
said let’s go out and get some air.
“So we got in Joe’s car and drove
around a while and finally Joe park
ed and turned off the lights.
“I was scared to death. But Joe
just laughed and for a few minutes
I thought everything was going to
be all right.
“And then it hajjpened. Joe open
ed a gold case and said, ‘Have a
cigaret’. I was too shocked to
speak. I threw open the door to the
car, juniiied out and ran to the bus
station. And here I am, safe and
sound. ’ ’
There was a crash of applause
from the audience, and then as si
lence was restored, the timid junior
spoke out again.
“But the fraternity pin — where
dUl you get that?”
“Oh, said Susie nonchalantly, “I
picked that up down at Sid’s Pawn
Shop. There’s a special on fratern
ity pins today only.” — April Fool
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