February 8, 1946.
THE SALEMITE
Page Three.
“If You’re Woogie, Call Me Boogie”
By DEAX CHAKLES G. VAltDELL
CAST OF CHARACTEBS
(in order of their appearance)
Wittie Bithers, organ student—
Mary Cash
Folly Sawbuck—Ivy Hixson
Nancy Lightenpower—Edith Kirk
land •
The May-ilay Chairman—Josephine
Wibie
Chorus of Stooges—Mary Coons, Va.
Horton, Margaret Horton,
Brona Nifong, Marie Van Hoy,
Marjorie Roach, Hazel Horton
Read, Margaret Simpson, Flor
ence Neely, Sue Durham.
Pinkie Paul—Katharine Bonney
Ann Dies-Hard—Lucille Vest
Merrygrin Blows—Sarah Burrell
I. Represent Stack—Jess Byrd
Hazel Pluckem Shorter—Eleanor
Guthrie
Julia Markova Barrett—Elizabeth
Hamrick
Jimmy Lovvjones—David Weinland
Tommy Hijones—Vincent Confer
Van Jackson—Francis Anscombe
George Flat-sharp—Kenneth Evett
Chorus of Co-eds—Campbell, Curlee,
.Jordan, McEwen, Weinlick^
Three Little Failem Ghosts—Eliza
beth Johnston, Marie Van Hoy,
Elizabeth Hedgecoek
The Little Red Man—Nell Starr
Six other Little Red Men Mary
Jones, Betsy Qonfer, Anna Perry
man, Margaret Horton, Mary
Coons, Catherine Adams
The Chief Marshal—Kate Pyron
Another Marshal—Katharine Bonney
The former May Queen—Lelia Gra
ham Marsh
Henry, her husband—I'. D. Snavely
Her numerous family — Twins
Kamona Rodgers and
Mary Francos Anglin
Ham Horton
Little Girl—Sarah Lytch
Baby—herself.
Dr. Rondthalcr—himself
The May-court (6 girls and li co-eds
from Act I ensembles)
The Herald—Charles Gildersleeve
(the greater) Vardell
The Failem Academy Whiz Kids—
Merri N. Count, the mathematical
mystic—Mary A. Weaver
Ophelia Hamlctt, Shakespearian
specialist—Laura Sumner
Wee Freshman—Rachel Conrad
Sallie Jeanne Singer, Sophomore
(■ongbirtl—Ann Stone
Whizzle Whirler, the Whiz-Miss
—Hazel D. Wheeler
The Kickova Strollin’ Ballet Ensem
ble—Rebecca Averill, Hazel Hor
ton Read, Mary Cash, Sarah
Burrell, Brona Nifong, Jano
Hewitt, Roy (’anipbell. Noble
MtEwen.
Pages—Ivy Hixson and Grace Siew-
ers
Fan Bearers—Sue Durham and
Eloise Garwood.
The May Court—Jess Byrd, Venus
Faircloth, Margaret Simpson,
Minnie J. Smith, Mary Ina
Shamburger, Pearl V. Willough
by and Co-eds:
Aft 1 is laid in Delirium Hall,
Pailem College; Act II at the Sign
of the Coffee Pot on Main Street;
Act III, same as Act I. Time: the
dim and distant future.
ACT I
Delirium Hall. The stage is bare ex
cept for reading desk and chairs
at r. One or two benches on the
front of the center section are
empty. Enter Wittie Bithers, organ
student, to play the prelude for
Assembly. She' strikes up “Solomon
Levi” on the organ. Enter the
Chorus of Stooges, led by Folly
Sawbuck down one aisle and Nancy
Lightenpower down the other. Stoog
es take front seats, Folly and Nancy
ascend the steps\ to the platform.
Meanwhile, the May Day Chairman,
armed with a gavel, has taken the
presiding chair at r. Folly and
Nancy flourish batons and lead the
chorus of stooges in the
Opening Chorus (tune: (Solomon
Levi”)
Folly: My' name is Folly Sawbuck,
1 sling a wicked beat,
Nancy: And I am Nancy Lighten
power, I can’t control my feet.
Polly: We hope to whoop excite
ment up, our taste for pep is keen
Nancy: The first of May is on its
■way, and we must have a queen.
Chorus: Ray for the May Queen,
Trala-lalala-la
Cheers for the May Queen, Trala-
lalala-la
Folly: 0 Failem is a college where
beauty reigns supreme
Nancy: But when it comes to know’-
ledge we just lick off the cream.
Folly: We have a bunch of platinum
blondes and up-to-date brunettes
Nancy: So let’s be gay and choose
today the Queen of the Failem-
ettes.
Chorus: Itay for the May Queen,
Trala, lalala, la
Cheers for the May Queen, Trala,
lalala, la.
Oh, who do you wanta vote for,
who d,o you wanta choose!
If I were just a Senior, I know
I never could lose.
Who ilo you wanta vote for, who
do you wanta pick?
Wo choose ’em fair, we choose
’em square.
Folly and Nancy (shouted): And
nobody has a kick coming
Chorus: Nobody has a kick.
Song: May Chairman (Tune: “But
tercup”)
I am the chairman.
You chose me the chairman,
My talents would make you turn
green (thump, thump)
So bow to the chairman.
The chattering chairman.
My charms they would challenge
the Queen, (thump, thump)
It’s really a pity
To see my committee.
They cannot compete with my
brain;
Their knowledge of music,
And drama makes you sick.
It’s me that must stand all the
strain.
Now in this election,
Vou’ll nuike your selection.
You'll vote for the snazziest Queen,
She’ll be the top pickin’s
Of seven slick chickens
The smoothest that ever wore
seen.
So bow to the chairman
The chattering chairman
I’ll run this election my way
(thump, thump)
Make way for the chairman
You chose me tlie chairman
I’m bossing this show for today
(thump, thump)
Chairman (from behind the read
ing desk. She can read this speech
and most of the rest of her part:)
Stooges of Failem College (Cheers).
Today we are gathered together to
make the most important decisinn
of the year; to select the most
radiantly beautiful (thump), the
most fatally fascinating (thump),
the most utterly irresistible and
and charming of all the Kair
Flowerets of old Failem (thump,
thump) AND to confer upon her
the greatest and most refulgent
honor that any scholastic institu
tion can bestow upon any itooge
(thump, thump, thump). In Short;
1st Stooge (interrupting) Whaddaya
mean, in short f
2nd Stooge; Come on, sister, stoji
boatin’ ya gums.
.Ird Stooge: Let’s get goin’, I gotta
go to Welfare’s.
Chairman (raps vigorously); Silence
in the Court. The next flip dri[)
that opens her trap gets put in
the elevator and sent ujstairs to
Pistol-Jiiickin’ Mama! (Resuming
her speech). We aro about to elect
our May Queen, an honor in com-
]>arison to which the offices of Pres
ident of the Senior Clas.s, Head of
the Stooge Government, President
of Failem College, Chairman of the
Board of Trustees and Leading
Campus Co-ed j)ale, fade, and with
er away into pusillanimous insigni
ficance. For the benefit of the Fresh
men and the^ Co-eds. By the way,
I don’t see those co-eds. Does any
body know where they aret
Nancy Lightenpower; They wore all
having a pep meeting on the back
campus when I came by after lunch.
Chairman; Miss Lightenpower, how
often do you have to be reminded
not to refer to the pleasure grounds
of Failem College as the back cam
pus!
Nancy: Pleasure groundsf Ha-ha!
That gives me a big charge.
Chairman (gavel): Everything on
this campus is to be called by its
proper name, especially from the
platform of Delirium Hall. For in
stance, Miss Lightenpower did I
not recently hear you, in a sup
posedly formal announcement from
this very platform, refer to the
Lower Recreation Room of the
Sophronia Jackson Piffle Memorial
Chemistry, Physics and Biology
Laboratory as—heaven preserve us
—(in an awful voice)—Pifflo-
bottomf!!
1st Stooge: Come on, let’s get go
ing!
2nd Stooge: Get on with the elec
tion.
3rd Stooge: Make it snappy, I’ gotTa
scram outa here.
Chairman; I don’t like the idea of
those co-eds having a pep meeting.
What business have co-e(l. to show
any pep around this campus f
Song—Nancy (Tune: “When you
wore a Tulip”)
Oh, where are the co-eds,
The cute little co-eds.
That make all our lives so bright.
We’re fond of the small ones,
We love all the tall ones,
We pursue them day and night.
Ha-ha!
We can’t do without them, we’re
crazy about them,
They do everything just right.
So where, oh where are the co-eds.
The cute little co-eds
That make all our lives so brightt
Ha-ha.
(Chorus repeats).
Chairman; And now. Stooges of Old
Failem, hold up your hands. Do you
solemnly promise, by the Snout
of the Sacred Coffee-pot, by the
Golden ball on the flagpole, at the
Pinnacle of the Dromedary Build
ing, AND by the southeast c,orner-
stone of the Walk-over-you Bunk
and Bust Co. to vote for your own
particular friend and favorite as
Queen of the Vaileni Maj'—be she
beautiful or be she ugly (thump),
be she short or be she tall, (thump),
fat or thin (thump), bow-legged,
pigeon-toed or knock-kneed
(thump), black-headed, red-headed,
towheaded or bald-headed (thump,
thump, thump)
Chorus of Stooges (with hands ex
tended)
Tune: “Georgia Camp-meeting)
We promise to vote for the Queen
of the May
Away down in Failem.
She’s gotta be cute and she’s
gotta bo gay.
Away down on Failem Square.
A glamorous gal for a glamorous
day,
.\way down in Failem.
So don’t be a meanie,
Hut vote for the queonie,
Queenie of the Failem May, Trla,
dad:i.
Folly: Queen, Queen, Queen, I’d cer
tainly liko to be,
(’horus: Tada-rada-lada-booni
Nancy: You can certainly see
Chorus; Tada-rada-lada-bwoni
Nancy: Ain’t nobody like me.
Chorus; Tada-rada-lada-boom
Teedleily-deedee
Chairman; V'ote, vote, vote, you
tiever can tell who’ll be
Chorus: Tada (etc.)
Chairnmn; The campus b o ;i u t y
specific
Simply terrific.
(Chorus; Queen of the Failem May.
(Shouted) Boom!
(During chorus, half of the stooges,
vvith hands extended, truck 16 steps
to the right, the other half Ifi sleps
to the left. At the word “vote” they
turn and truck 1(1 steps back to
their seats, sitting down suddenly
on the word “Boom.”) (Exit Folly
Sawbuck to join the candidates.
Nancy Lightenpower and the Chair
man have donned caps and gowns.
Nancy advances with a paper in her
hand).
Nancy Lighteu{^ower: JI a d a m e
Chairman, 1 have the honor to pre
sent the following candidates for
the degree M. Q.
Chairman: Did you say I. Q.t
Nancy L; Not by a frog’s eyebrow,
M. Q., M. Q. I means something
quite different.
Chairman; Well, rend the list.
(As the names are called the cand-
idjites enter. They are dressed in
elaborate evening gowns. They walk
and {wse exaggeratedly, and line up
for inspection. At each entrance
there are cheers, jeers, whistles, and
cat-calls from the stooges. Music.)
Nancy L.: (Reads with lots of
‘ ‘ oomph”)
Miss Pinkio Paul
Miss Ann Dies-IIard
Miss Merrygrin Blows.
Miss I. Represent Stack
Mi.ss Brolly Sawbuck
Mrs. Hazel Pluckem Shorter
(“Shaw-ta”)
(before Hazel’s entrance a harp is
dragged in, behind which she poses,
and which she begins to play with
exaggerated arm-motions).
Chairman: That’ll do. Hazel. This
isn’t Music hour, you kn,ow. (Hazel
takes her place in the line, the harp
is removed). All right, Nancy, are
there any nioref
Nancy; I’ll say there’s another one.
(dramatically); MISS JULIA
MARKOVA BARRETT. (Enter
Julia. She wears a short white
evening dress with ballet slippers.
Ballet music. Her entrance is that
of a prima ballerina. She does a
short pas seul).
Chairman: Let the candidates for
the degree M. Q. DRAW NEAR,
and do their stuff. (Juli.i leads a
promenade of the candidates around
the stage and perhaps down the
aisles and through the audience. As
they return to their places, the
music merges into the next sonj^.
As the song begins, a hirge box
labeled Ballot Box, with a hinged
cover and a slot, is brought out and
placed in the center of the stage.
During the song the chorus of
stooges, dividing, ascend the stage
from the two sides. One line passes
in front of the box, the other line
behind it. Stooges drop ballots,
continuing in line in the opposite
direction and descending steps on
the opposite side from which they
ascended.)
Song, Chairman, Nancy, Stooges and
Candidates
(Tune: “Alexander’s I?«g-Time
Band”)
(’ome on and vote
Come on and vote
Come on and sing a rag time note
It’s in the bag
It’s in the bag
Wc want a ((ueen and not a hag.
She must walk and talk like a
Boogie-woogie bigti,,,,. Mav
Queen
Come on and vote
Come on and vote
, Come on and cast your rag-time
vote.
(Repeat ad. lib until chorus is once
more seated on the front benches).
(At the close of the voting song, a
disturbance is heard in the lobbv.
Rnter, down the aisle, the chorus of
Co-eds in procession, carrving signs
such as: "
“Co-els
Independent
Organization, “We Want JTep-
resentation,”
“\/ote_ for
* an,” and, prominently,
“Why not „ May King.’’)
Chorus of Co-eds (Tune; “Hail
Hail”) ’
Hail! Hail! the gang’s all here
i..isten to the co-eds!
Ooine and join the co-eds.
Hail! Hail! the gang’s all here
Come and join the co-eds now.
(The song is repeated as the co-eds
come down the aisle, mount the
stage, and confront the chairman,
who raps for order)
Song; May Day Chairman (Tune;
JM.v dreams aro getting better”)
•Tnst whadda you moan, you meas-
l.v men, by a stunt, like this
o" Vys are getting bolder’all
the time.
Oet out of this place, shut up, go
homo and mind your biz,
^o],]or all
tno time.
I cannot imagine any one as stupid
i's .vou can be, '
V,ou’re surely the very dumbest
clucks that ever a girl did see,
The 1 ro.s,dent ought to turn vou
over his royal knee
Z ••>11
the time.
(Jimmy Lowjones steps out. He i,
«I>okesmnn for the co-eds.)
‘ ong; Jimmy Lowjones (Tune: “I
Want a Girl”)
We want a king, we want a king
1° nile the Failem Mav.
Don’t want a queen, won’t have a
qnocn
c 11 chuse (luecn nwav.
We’ve j,oined the union and we’ll
have you learn
That some sweet day the lowly
worm will turn.
We want a king,
We’ll have a king.
To rule the Failem May. (Chorus
repeats)
(’hairman; Do you have the audacity
to stiind there and toll me that you
miserable worms are nominating
a candidate for the f>osition of
May King?
Jimmy Lowjones: I mean just ex
actly that!
Chairman; In addition to, or in op
position to, the elected Queen.
Jimmy Lowjones (oratorically): In
opposition, competition, rivalry, re
sistance, contravention, counterac
tion and utter supersession to, for,
of and against the elected Queen,
vernacular again). Besides, she
ain’t elected yet.
Chairman; But she is elected, and
it’s all over but counting the votes.
So shut up and go on home.
Jimmy Lowjones; Wo won’t shut up,
and we won’t go home until we
have presented our candidate and
voted for him.
Chairman: Your candidate. Just
which one o’ you drijw do you think
could be elected May King of Fail-
em Colleget
Jimmy Lowjones: Stand forth, V'an
Jackson, (cheers, jeers, catcalls,
whistles).
Song: Van Jackson (Tune: “My
object all sublime”
I want to be the king
I’ve got to be the king
Wherever I go. I’ll have you know
r always am the king.
Such regal majes-tye
Is flashing from me eye.
It surely is a natural thing,
To want to be the king!
Chorus; It surely is a natural thing.
To want to be the king.
Van: I walk just like a king, I talk
just like a king,
I frown and scowl, ami bellow and
howl,
Hxactly like a king.
•\nd when I snore at night. My
subjects all take fright.
I snort and moan and grunt and
groan
Precisely like a king.
Chorus; Me snorts and moans and
grunts and gr,oanK
I’rocisely liko a king.
\an; Vou’ve always had a (iiieen,
nimini-pimini |uoon.
A look-like-lily, walk down-the-
hilly, .Mannequin - panick’em
|ueen.
So is it very strange, That we
should want a change!
Then vote for me, and I will be
a hotsy-totsy kinjr.
Chorus; Then vote foJ he an.l he
will be, A hotsy-totsy king.
(During the song the co-eds ca.st
thoir votes, led by Tommy Hij,ones,
who goes out as soon as his vote
IS cast).
Chairman; You boys haven’t got a
( hinaman’s chance.
•limmy Lowjones (nastily); You
mwin a chairman’s chance, don’t
Chairman; You’re no gentleman!
•>>mmy l.owiones: Oh, count the
votes, count the votes.
(He and the chairman advance to
he ballot box; the other co-eds and
the candidates crowd around them
• w.'.t as they open the box, To^,„y
Hi.jones comes rushing in).
'''""‘■■‘.v Ilijones: (Jirls, i,,,,
yndertul thing has happened!
All the Girls; Whatt-Tell
Vvhat in the world! etc
Tommy Ilijones: Vou’d n'ever guess!
(hrls; .1, tell us!
Tommy Ilijones: Who’,1 .V thought
Girls (continue their exclam,uion
an.l crowd around Tommv. The b„l
lot box is forg,otten).
Tommy Hijones; (iather round and
Song: Tommy (Tune; “ I g„t Shoes’’^
1 got news, You got news,
All Failem stooges got news
C.ime an’ gather ’round an’ lemme
toll you my news,
You’re gonna think you’re head
in’ for heaven
('horus: Heaven,
Tommy: Heaven!
Everybody wants a pair an’
Nobody’s got a pair. Heaven!
(Continued on page four)