North Carolina Newspapers

Page Four. THE SALEMITE February 8, 1946. Wooxfie, HoKUfde. (Continued from j>age three) Chorus: Heaven! Tommy: Heaven! You’ll think you’re headin’ for heaven. It ain’t shoes, It ain’t shoes. ’Sa darn sight better than shoes. Gonna put ’em on before you put on your shoes, Vou gonna dress up your dogs in Nylons. Chorus: Nylons! (shrieking) Tommy; Nylons! Everybody wants a pair an’ every body’ll get a pair of Nylonil Chorus: Nylons! '(shrieking) Tommy: Nylons! Gonna dress up your d,ogs in Nylons. (the following five speeches very rapidly). Chairman: But where in the world can we get the Nylons! Polly Sawbuck: Ves, yes, tell us where. Nancy Lightenpower: Come on, big boy, .spill it, spill it! Julia Barrett: Oh, I’m so excited, hurry up, hurry up! Hazel Shorter: I just can’t wait! (All the stooges rush up on the stage, and together with the candi dates and other girls they mob Tommj’^). Tommy (shouting): Wait a minute, wait a minute!—don’t crowd me girls, quit shoving, gimme room— I’ll tell you if you’ll just quit shovin’. (He extricates himself and comes to the front of the stage, the girls packed close on each side and behind him.). Now just quiet down and I’ll tell you (a breath less silence). They’re at—(pause, then, at the top of his voice), the FAILEM BOOK STOEE! (The girls scream and exeunt run ning in all directions, down both aisles, etc. The co-eds are left laugh ing on the stage. The open ballot box is still there). Jimmy Lowjones: Nice goin’, Tom, ol’ kid. They fell for it like stars on Alabama. (The co-eds laugh and clap each other on the back.) Come on, let’s get busy and stuif that ballot box ’till it moans for mercy. Have you got those extra ballots, fellas f The Other Co-eds (together); Yeah boy! Sure have! Comin’ right up! Here they are! (they take extra ballots from their pockets). Jimmy Lowjones: Bring ’em on, stick ’em in here, whaddaya wait- in for? Tommy Hijones; Wait a minute, Jim, we better get ridda bunch of those female votes first. Jimmy Lowjones: Good idea, Tom. It wouldn’t be honest to have more votes than there are students, would it? (He takes out some votes). Now, fellas, some more votes for Van Jackson. (They stuff the ballot box as the music for the next song begins). Chorus of Co-eds: (Tune: “Adieu Kind Friends”) . The Failem girls are mighty smart mighty smart, They think they’re something quite apart, quite apart, But when we co-eds tackle any job, You’ll find that we are quite a mob. Fare you well, my Failem queenie Now I feel just like a meanie, For the king is going to take your crown away—(way-way). Adieu, my Failem Queen, adieu, adieu, adieu. The May day crown is not for you, not for you. We’ll crown our King down in the May-Day dell And all the girls will weep like— Hail, hail the gang’s all here Shout it from the steeple, Tell it to the people. I’ll be durned. The worm has turned. Whaddya think of Failem’s king! (Repeat from “Hail, hail”) Here they march around in triumph. Jimmy: Wait a minute, boys, listen, when the girltf come back, from the wild goose chase Tommy sent’em on they mustn’t find us marching around, we gotta calm down. Tommy: I know, let’s all be study ing or having a high-brow bull session or som’p’n, so they won’t smell a rat. George Flatsharp: Good idea, Tom. You boys get busy and let’s all look like the Grace Memorial Lib rary on Re-ading Day. (The co-eds got out books, notebooks and pencils and assume studious pos es). Jimmy: Now, howsabout a little fancy highbrow bull session. You know, the kind you pull when you’re polishing’ apples. Van; Somp’n’ sorter like this? Song: Van, Jimmy, ToDimy, and George and Chorus. (Tune: “The Flowers that Blpom in the Spring”) Van J.; I love to take history notes, tra, la, I dote upon topics and trends Napoleon and Hitler were goats, tra, la. And atoms will supersede boats, tra, la, When the army and navy are friends. Chorus: When the army and navy are friends. Van: And that is the reason we all understand. Why science and histr’y should go hand-in-hand, Chorus: Trala, lala, la, Trala, lala, la. Studious boys are wo. (repeat chorus). Jimmy L'.: Oh, Poetry’s elegant stuff, tra, la. And Chaucer is riper than wine. And Donne is both tender and tough, tra, la. And Shakespeare has matter enough, tra, la. For Pearl to throw some to the swine, Chorus: For Pearl to throw some to the swine. Jimmy: And that is the reason, my innocent child Why Swinburne and Dante Ros setti are Wildo Chorus, Tra, la, la, la, la Tra la, la, la, la. Studious boys are we. (Repeat chorus). Tommy H.; I think with delight upon trig tra, la. And revel in tangent and sine, Infinity’s never too big, tra, la. To tie itself onto a twig, tra, la. Chorus: And join with a parallel line. And join with a parallel line. Tommy: And that is the reason you very well see Why Euclid and Einstein are prec ious to me. Chorus: Tra, la, la, la, la, Tra la, la, la, la, Studious b,oys are we (repeat Chorus). George Flatsharp: I love to play piano and sing tra, la, I dote upon triad and scAlOi With Chopin my spirit takes wing, tra, la, And Bach is a bubbling spring, tra, la. Chorus: It’s a solace that never can fail. George: And that is the reason why day after day When Mama says “practice” I always obey Chorus, Tra-la-la-la-la, Tra-la-la-la-la Studious boys are we. (Chorus re- , peats). (During the foregoing the girls have been returning during the interludes of the verses, until they are grouped on each side of the stage watching the co-eds). Jimmy: Hello, girls, did you get your Nylons? Folly Sawbuck; No, darn it, the Faculty got there before us. I saw Dr. Willoughby and Dean Hixson leaving and I’ll bet they each had ■six pairs. Chairman: Well, come on, let’s count the vfltes and see who’s elected. Nancy Lightenpower: I move we take ’em over to Pifflebottom and count ’em there. Chairman (in an awful voice): To whe^re. Miss Lightenjwwer ? Nancy: JE mean the L-lower Recrea- tion-R-Room-of the Sophronia Jack son Piffle Memorial Lab,oratory. Chairman: Very well, come on girls. Jimmy: And boys! (Exeunt singing, carrying the ballot box in procession like the Ark of the Covenant). Chorus: (Tune “Solomon Levi”) Oh Failem is a college Where beauty reigns supreme But when it comes to knowledge We just lick off the cream We have a bunch of dizzy blondes And up-to-date brunettes So let’s be gay and choose today The Queen of the Failemettes. End of Act I ACT II Scene — the coffee-pot on Main Street. Midnight. Stormy music. Thunder and lightning. Enter the three Failem ghosts, riding brooms. They caper and cavort around the stage in a weird dance which con verges on the c,oifee-pot. (Spoken to weird music). 1st Ghost: When shall we three meet again? 2nd Ghost: Next May Day when it doth rain. 3rd Ghost: Won’t that give the gals a pain! (All three cackle in their cracked tones). 1st Ghost: Where’s the place? 2nd Ghost: Behind the college. 3rd Ghost: Where they dump their surplus knowledge. 1st Ghost; Greater knowledge can be got. Here upon this spooky spot. All Three: Gossip sweet and scandal hot. Boil we here in the charmed pot. Song—The 3 Ghosts (Tune: “Old Man River”) Double, double, toil and trouble And coffee boil and coffee bubble So good old Failem, Will just keep rollin’ along. Don’t stop toilin’. When it stops boilin’ There’ll be no college, And all that knowledge We’ll just quit rollin’. It can’t keep rollin’ along. Work that math and do your best Write that paper and pass that test Slave in the lab till set of sun Burn your brains out, one by one. (Repeat 1st verse). 1st Ghost: Thrice the Failem bell has rung. 2nd Ghost: Thrice the chapel choir has sung. 3rd Ghost: Strained a tonsil, split a lung. 1st Ghost: By the sacred sugar- cake. Comes grim Trouble on the make. 1st Ghost: Softly flitting out of Bit- tongue, Comes a maiden, mad and young. 3rd Ghost: Comes a student thru the storm. Slipping slyly from the dorm. 1st Ghost; Softly -itting out of Bit ting. 2nd Ghost: Better go back and get your knitting. 3rd Ghost; Turn, turn about, You foolish wright, Y,ou silly lout, Imprudent maid. Aren’t you afraid All Three; It’s twelve at night, and ya ain’t signed out! (Enter Julia, walking in her sleep. She wears a nightgown, but still has on ballet slippers). 1st Ghost: Lo you, here she comes. 2nd Ghost: Upon my life, fast asleep. 3rd Ghost; Observe her, stand close. (They withdraw to the side of the stage.) Song; Julia 0 here’s the spot. By the coffee-pot At twelve o’clock, right on the dot. 1 dreamed a plot, to dish that sot. To blast the May King right off the lot. Woe-woe-woe Oh, what a Queen, I would have been. If he had never come on the scene. Oh, what a shame, I lost the game. And now I never can be the same. Woe-woe-woe. If I could plot. Some awful rot Some really sahem-and-disgraceful blot! He ought to be shot. Or boiled in a pot And pried away from the job he’s got. Woe-woe-woe. (She goes through a pantomime dance, expressive of rage, bewilder ment, sleepwalking, etc.). 1st Ghost: What horrid news is this? 2nd Ghost: A May King on Failem College campus! 3rd Ghost: Woe, alas! What, in our house? 1st Ghost: We must wake her, sister. 2nd Ghost: We must ask her more, sister. 2nd Ghost: We must ask her more, sister. 3rd Ghost: Aye, sister, and help her if we can. (The three advance on Julia who stands in a trance. They sing and dance about her between verses) Song (Tune: “Oh, What a Beauti ful Morning”) Wake up and tell us about it. Whisper the gory details. Sing it, proclaim it and shout it. Down with those meddlesome males! (piano repeats 2 lines for dance). Wake up and tell us about it. Then we can come to your aid. Help is at hand, never doubt it. Help for a sorrowing maid, (dance). (as they dance, Julia rubs her eyes and wakes). Julia; Where am I? 1st Ghost: Right here under the coffee pot and liif^ a’ bilin’. Julia: And who are you? 2nd Ghost; We are the ghosts of our past and yotir futuro. Julia: And why am I here? 3rd Ghost: You have been brought here in a dream to answer tjiree questions. Julia: Three questions? 1st Ghost: Ay, maiden, 3 questions, and mine is the first. Is it true that they have elected a MAN to pre side over the Failem May Day revel? Julia: Alas, yes.—a little drip—a wretched insignificant co-ed named Van Jackson. 2nd Gliost: I claim the second ques tion, sisters. Were you the most likely candidate for Queen? Julia: I had it in the bag until he came along. 3rd Ghost; You have been brought is mine. Was it a fair election? Julia: It was as crooked as tke bricks in the Sisters’ House side walk. 1st Ghost; Sisters this MUST not go on. 2nd Ghost; Sisters, there’s only one thing to do. 3rd Ghost: Yes, sisters, yes. We must take our courage in our hands, tie our caps tight under our chins and summon him. Julia; What; summon a man? 1st Ghost: Ah, but this is an excep tional man. 2nd Ghost; A most sweet, awful and improper man. 3rd Ghost: A cross-your-heart-and- hope-to-die-kind of a man. You know the kind of never-never man that sometimes peeps over your shoulder from the shadowy depths of a dormitory mirror. 1st Ghost: Shall we name him, sist ers? 2nd Ghost; Cr,oss your fingers, sist ers! 3rd Ghost: And oh mj’ sisters, hold on, hold on to your cap strings! How they do flutter and fly when HE rides the night wind. Julia: When who rides the night- ■W'ind? All 3 (shouting): THE LITTLE RED MAN. (Thunder and lightn ing). (Enter the Little Red Man attended by a corps-de-ballet of 6 Little Red Men dressed precisely like him. They dance to the tune of Jingle Bells). Chorus: (Jingle Bells). Little Red^Man, Little Red Man, Little Red man am I Makes no difference who you are. I’ve a finger in your pie, Be you young, be you old, be you bold or shy, The Little Rod Man is on your trail. He’ll get you by and by. Little Red Man: Flying through the air. Hovering o’er the square, Hiding in the shrub-ber-ee, I am everywhere. Can’t get away from me, I am much too sly. Makes no difference who you are. Chorus (spoken) What you do— where you go— Solo: I’ve a finger in your pie. Chorus: Little Red Man, etc. etc. Little Red Man: I can see through walls, There isn’t any doubt. Keyholes- are my specialty. No lock can keep me out. Every looking glass. Is my magic eye. Makes no difference who you are. Chorus (spoken): What you do— where you go. Solo: I’ve a finger in your pie. Chorus. (during the following dialog the chorus duplicates each step and ges ture of the Little Red Man). Little Red Man; (holding his stom ach and laughing, the chorus do ing the same in pantomime). Ha- ha-ha-ha. Am I Aiistaken or do some of j'ou fair ladies (they all bow mockingly) wish to con sult me? 1st Ghost: Most pert and nimble spirit of mischief, from the troubl ed depths of our sub-conscious we have summoned thee. 2nd Ghost: Fair is foul, and foul is fair. Floating over Failem Square, Deadly doom, Hangs by a hair. 3rd Ghost; Peek and peer, seek and search, (pointing to Julia) Moping maiden, left in the lurch. All Three: Down at Academy, Good, Old Academy Corner of Academy Street and Church. Little Red Man: Ah, the fair Julia, the lovely would-be-queen, the beauteous also-ran-but-didn’t-quite- make-it. What can I do for you, little one? .Julia: Oh, but there are so many of you! Little R. M.: On the contrary, I am absolutely unique. You see, I have a most complex and multiple per sonality. But don’t worry, I am en tirely in my own confidence and 1 cooperate with myself beautiful ly. Oblige me by looking cross-eyed at the hack row of me. (Xasty chonl on the piano). Julia (doing so): Why there isn’t but one. of you and that one is you. Little R. M.: Precisely, Now look cross-eyed at me. (another chord). Julia (doing so); Why, you’re the back row again, aren’t you? Little R. M.: I am indeed. I get around quite a lot and I learned that trick from Mr. Einstein. Al most anything is possible, if you know how to apply the Theory of Relativity. Now that you see how closely related I am to myself, per haps you will tell me just how I can help you. (They bow). Julia: I’ll try. Sings. (Tune; “White Christmas”) I’m dreaming of a wet May Day, Wet as the Waters of the Nile, With the rain-drops dropping, and paths all sopping. And tree-tops dripping all the while. I’m dreaming of a wet May Day, .Tust like the Yadkin in a flood. May the clouds be blacker than jet. And the whole draned May Day be wet. (Chorus repeats-substituting “she’s for “I’m”) Little R. M.: So! You’d like me to cook up a rainstorm and spil Mr. Van Jackson’s coronation, what? Julia; Not only spoil it, prevent it! Little R. M.: Hm-m! (Chin in right hand, right elbow in left. Same business by the chorus). Let’s see! If I were to arrange the bad weath er, drive the usurper from the' thro- cn and perhaps fix it so that you were crowned after all, how much would it be worth to you? Julia (she hesitates): You mean I must pay you something? Little R. M.: Come, come, my dear, you must realize that even in old Failem (in a lingering and persua sive falsetto) business is business (palms up). (The 6 chorus red men echo “is business” one after the other). Julia: I should be eternally grateful, of course. Little' R. M.: Eternally? Julia: Eternally. Little R. M.: That will be perfectly satisfactory. Per-er-or-fectly, and entirely satisfactory, provided you remember. You kn,ow, young ladies are sometimes strangely forgetfuL Julia: Oh, I’ll never forget. Little R. M.: I’m sure you wont. But in order to make doubly, 3rd Chorus Red Man; Trebly 4th Chorus Red Man: Quadruply 5th Chorus Red Man: Quintup'ly Cth Chorus Red Man: And Sextuply, sure. Little Red Man; I have decided to tie a little string around your finger. Let’s see, I have a long, crooked, curly' hair floating around somewhere (They all fumble at their heads.) 4th Chorus Red Man: Ah, here it is, (plucking it out and passing it to the 3rd). 3rd Chorus R. M.: Ah, here it is (passing to 2nd). 2nd Chorus R. M.: Ah, here it is (passing it to 1st). 1st Chorus R. M.: Ah, here it is (passing it to. Little R. M.) Little R. M.; I thank me, gentle men. (they all bow. He continues to the world at large). I always find that in a case of multiple per sonality it pays to be courteous to ones-self. (to Julia). Hold out j'our hand, my dear. (She extends her right hand). The 3 Ghosts (singing in specul- (Cont. on page five)