Unnecessary Volume
Salem College, Winston-Salem, N. C., Saturday, April 1, 1967
Fool’s Issue
AROUND THE SQUARE
Once again your Salem party line
is open and I’ve gotten all the latest
gossip and news. Spring break is
finally over and oh! the tales I can
tell . . •
Salem senior Lucy Miles has ac
cepted a job with the Royal Cana-
ANNOUNCEMENTS
The Office of the President an
nounces plans for a new dormitory
which will hold five hundred coeds.
The ten-story structure, which is to
be constructed between Clewell and
Lehman facing South Church Street,
[will be named in honor of former
Eoean of Students Amy Heidbreder.
[The building will be ready for oc
cupancy in the fall of 1967.
* ♦ *
1 The Board of Trustees held a
dinner meeting on March 26 at
Ken’s. A proposal to raise the tui
tion to $3,000 a semester was unani-
piously approved. This raise is
[retroactive. Presently enrolled stu
dents are required to make the first
installment of back payments in the
Amount of $1,772 no later than April
I The Pierrette Players will present
[their Summer-Fall - Winter - Spring
production. Candy, on April 31 at
8 p.m. Tryouts will be held in the
|May Dell for the leading female
frole at a date to be announced
later.
The Office of the Dean of Stu-
ents announces that the rising sen-
)rs will draw for rooms Tuesday,
Lpril 4. In view of the fact that 89
lembers of the class are transfer-
ing, the class will have a choice oi
oom 13 Lehman and room 21 Sis-
;rs. Floor plans are now on dis
lay in Clewell Reception Room.
!W.
The Splashsalems will present a
Iter ballet. Till The Dam Break,
the indoor pool on Saturday,
^ril 9.
♦ * *
Assemblies for the remainder of
e semester will be held in the
ibcock Sunspot. No cuts will be
owed.
* * *
Effective April 2, new hours will
be observed in the Refctory. Din
ner will be served at 8 p.m. in order
that the cocktail hour, beginning at
5:30 p.m., will be more leisurely.
Occupants of Gramley must have
all their belongings in the Alumnae
House by Sunday in order that
workmen may begin renovating the
dorm in preparation for the Gove-
nor’s School.
idents must pick up their LSD
e Infirmary only during regular
s. NO emergency supplies will
istributed.
hemistry labs will be resumed on
egular schedule in April. For-
ately the explosion was small
the repairmen were able to re-
:e the roof of the Science Build-
in one week.
* *
e save all pork scraps at din-
he zoology classes are study-
honosis.
dian Mounted Police because she
couldn’t find any other place to
keep her two horses.
Nancy Lineholder and Lynn
Football have distinguished them
selves nationally. These rugged,
powerful girls have become the first
to volunteer for Marine training at
Parris Island.
Betty Wringo threw Jay Seagull’s
KA pin back to him Saturday night.
She says that she was “sick of be
ing a third wheel—to a golf cart!”
Arriving back on the Square I
heard some interesting tid-bits
which should keep Judicial Board
busy. Ann Richest and Fip Ker-
rell have called off their engage
ment—it seems they’ve been mar
ried since their senior year in high
school!
Susan Klicko, renowned last year
for her abundance of loves, sur
prised everyone by running off to
Mexico with a bullfighter. I don’t
know how she’ll send back all the
pins and rings to all the right boys.
Outgoing publications editor. Cut
T. Playgirl, returned from a New
York vacation with a new position—
managing editor of Playboy editor
Hugh Hefner. As Mrs. Hefner and
Top Bunny, she plans to convert
the Playboy mansion into a huge
pool room. Yes, you can take the
girl out of Salem but you can’t take
Salem out of the girl.
The washing machines in Clewell
finally did it! After years of threats
and prolonged strikes, they finally
went on a rampage. Yickye Nok-
ley was the innocent victim whose
entire wardrobe was destroyed.
Looks like Salem can kiss the Gla
mour contest good-by.
One last item before I hang up
the party line: Dean Would has
been placed on social probation for
two semesters for sunbathing on
the roof of Strong dormitory and
not in the specified areas. Also on
social probation is Miss Robots,
who was caught (by the night-
watchman!) climbing down the ivy
by the swimming pool. When asked
for an explanation, she blushingly
replied, “All I wanted to do was
take a little dip.”
Riotous students mob President Dale Gramley's office protesting.
STUDENTS RIOT!
Socialite On Campus Reveals
Aspects Of Social Etiquette
mdents are warned not to lean
nst the rails of the back porches
vlain Hall. Funeral services for
ly Dimples will be held at 3 p.m.
nor row at Vogler’s Funeral
♦ ♦ *
speaker at Commencement
ss in June will be Paul New-
5eniors please remember to
lands only when receiving
plomas.
The walls of Lehman finally de
cided to relinquish their tale to the
world. That tiny little dorm has
housed a mighty big secret for sev
eral weeks. This secret, girls, is
The Scoop of the social season.
Little did you realize that a cele
brated young socialite has been liv
ing incognito in your midst on the
seemingly serene Salem campus. She
walks, she talks, she hides her dia
monds in the comptroller’s office,
(“wishing not to appear too-too,”
she says with a slightly nasal
twang.)
She appeared on campus with four
of her social secretaries (“absolutely
essential,” she said snobbishly as
she regalled about campus with the
latest copy of Dunn and Bradstreet
thrown carelessly under her arm,
minks trailing.) Yes, girls, as you’ve
undoubtedly guessed by now, our
famous personality modestly ap
pearing about town is none other
than the lovely Miss Ann Hamil
ton DuPont of Wilmington, Dela
ware - like the chemicals, darlin’.
At this point you may be wonder
ing just why Miss DuPont graced
Winston-Salem with her bounteous
wealth. Not wishing to bore our
readers with trivialities, and ack
nowledging the fact that the best
things come in small packages (like
that little mink), we greatly con
densed the story so that, like Rudi-
Guerich, we have narrowed it down
to the barest essentials. Concisely,
just the facts, man, just the facts.
In order to find the supreme did-
dley-bopping, foot-stomping, party
man she came to Winston-Salem on
the advice of a friend. She con
tacted the overwhelming Number
One Swoon Daddy of the Number
One Swoon fraternity.
Suavely offering to take her to
dinner at what he termed, “it-must-
be-new-I-haven’t-tried-it” restaur
ant, the Orange Tiger, our Big Bop-
per showed all the polish of the
latest editions of Emily, Amy, and
the newest thing out. How to Have
an Epileptic Fit While Lighting
your Date’s Cigarette. A veteran
of untold deb parties, (three at home
and four in Raleigh), he smoothed
through the evening like a blob of
grit. Incorrectly thinking he could
ever make the major leagues, our
Teen King, eyes glistening with the
reflection of Miss DuPont’s jewel-
bedecked extremities and diamond-
covered original, confided his fears
of being the object of a practical
joke, “Perish the thought!” warbled
Miss DuPont who, undaunted, ate
until her appetite was so fully sat
isfied that to indulge in more would
be obnoxious to her taste - fine as
it is.
Miss DuPont, weary from three
weeks of jet-hoppin’ and diddley-
boppin’, graciously declined the gen
erous offer of the Social Climbing
Snake Man to partake of the grape
and hustle the hops at one of the
Greater Groovy Greensboro gala
night spots. Miss DuPont dismissed
her splendid dinner date and met at
the designated spot her social secre
taries who had acted as body guard
earlier in the evening.
Our dashing hero, fondling his
wallet, exclaimed, “What grate
qualmsy hath caused me such a
fatty hardbuckle!” and rushing out
in his borrowed swoonmobile to re
late the events of the evening to his
cohorts in good and evil.
Here endeth the synopsis of the
affair. For a detailed account of
the fracas, look for Miss A. Du
Pont’s soon-to-be published book.
Jet Settin’ Made Easy, or How to
Dupe a Dope.
Shouts of protest rang out this
week at a small women’s college in
Winston-Salem. A group of scream
ing students vowing to make Ber
keley protests look feeble, marched
on the grass singing protest songs
and carrying large placards with pro
found slogans such as “WE PRO
TEST,” “FIGHT UNFAIRNESS,”
and “DOWN WITH EVIL and
WRONGDOING.”
As soon as The Salemlte got wind
of the protest, reporters were sent
to the scene armed with pencils,
paper, lances, shields, oxygen masks,
tape recorders, cameras, and their
all-important “Protest Protection &
Survival Kits.” Barely able to move
under the weight of their unneces
sary equipment, the reporters ar
rived at the scene to find policemen
(armed with tear gas bombs and
ear plugs) and the Red Cross (ever
ready to rescue marchers who were
getting so excited that they were
hyper-ventilating and swooning all
over Church Street).
The angry hoard of students
stormed the President’s office,
trampling panic stricken secretaries
who were guarding the door, and
smashing the face of the night
watchman who was hiding behind it.
(Continued on page 3)
Snavely
APRIL
WHO
Says;
FOOL!
ME?
Classified Adds
WANTED: Mail. Will pay. No ex
perience necessary. Will train.
WANTED: Contributions and/or
solicitors for a fund to furnish
closed circuit TV of the reception
and date rooms in the dorms for
previews of blind dates. Only do
nations over $100 will gladly be ac
cepted.
WANTED: A housemother without
WCAi^LT UCCKCCSCdPE
ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Be magnetic—but first pull your
self together. Take care not to
blow your Kools. K a t y Winters
would never forgive you! And be
sides, they’re bad for your health.
TAURUS (April 21-May 20)
You’re in fine shape to bull your
way through the rest of the aca
demic year, but the dating situation
might not be so simple if you keep
eating like one.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Travel is in the stars for you,
and surely you’ve always had an
urge to be the first female astro
naut. Why not? You can always
take some ivy up there with you.
CANCER (June 21-June 20)
Beware of hospitals . . . and in
terns.
LEO (July 21-August 21)
Don’t go out of your way for
anyone this month or you might
find yourself lost and find that your
week of restriction falls on the
weekend of that fraternity beach
party.
VIRGO (August 22-September 22)
Romance is in the air for you,—
a warm spring evening under the
stars playing double solitaire by
moonlight. What else could you
ask for?
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
Have a smile and everyone will
like you better, especially that pro
fessor who was flunking you at
mid-semester (despite the fact that
you beat him at pool).
SCORPIO (October 23-Nov. 22) ..
Shake your shoes upon arising
every morning.
SAGGITARIUS (November 23-De-
cember 20)
Watch your purse strings this
month. Untold necessity might
make or break you, but there is
always your charge account at Sna-
vely’s.
CAPRICORN (December 2-January
19)
Be prepared for a huge party the
first of January.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February
18)
Don’t cut down on your beauty
sleep this month because you never
know when you’ll need to make a
good impression. You can’t be
choosy about your Prince Charm
ing, you know.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
Last of all the horizon ahead
looks very exciting for you. There’s
adventure, romance, intrigue, and
travel waiting outside the Square.
Too bad you’re signed up for Sum
mer School.
WANTED: AS SOON AS POS
SIBLE!!! 1 term paper on “The
Existential Value of Dr. Henry W.
Rugbee’s Lecture as Compared to
Carolyn Tyzer’s Reading of Mo
dern Poetry.” Will pay ANY price 1
LOST: 1 pair of yellow polka dot
shocking pink tights and a simu
lated seal skin leotard with chartre
use sequin trimmed wings in the
vicinity of the May Dell.
LOST: one Venus Flytrap; also
lost, one roommate.
LOST: one gold loop pierced ear
ring; it’s my boyfriend’s.
LOST: 1 yellow Pappygallo for left
foot size 10)4, 1 orange leather
jacket, one monogrammed ponytail
slip in riot area near Administration
Building. If found, please contact
my nurse in room 711, Barman Blue
Hospital.
FOUND:
er’s!
Nothing. Finder’s keep-
LOST in East Winston. Please send
directions or city map c/o S. Ber
nard, City Dog Pound. Hurry, have
overcut!