Features
page 9
Horoscopes
hy Jupiter's Junk
Cancer
It's time to get over that Spring
Break vacation mode. There are
still six more weeks of school.
Don't get too relaxed. You'll pay
for it.
Libra
Watch your money supply this
weekend. Don't spend too freely.
These dances seem to eat money,
and we'll still have two or three
phone bills to pay.
Sagittarius
Romance is in the air. This could be
your weekend to spend with Mr.
Right. Springtime always needs a
new love.
Taurus
You need to quit being so nice. Don't
let people take advantage of you.
JUST SAY NO!
Leo
Get that summer job. The longer
you wait, the harder they are to
find. And seniors, make sure you
have all your credits!
Aquarius
Finish all those odd jobs that have
been keeping you busy. You have
n\uch more pressing things to do -
research papers.
Aries
You need to invest in Slimfast or
Nutrisystem. I hate to tell you this
but bikini season is upon us.
Virgo
Contact your long lost sibling! He
or she may need your help or
advice. And, you can even call
collect.
Pisces
Make up with your parents.
Granted, they can be a pain but
they are your parents. You can call
them collect too.
Gemini
Plan a trip to the beach sometime
soon. You need to get away and
relax. Don't keep all those
frustrations bottled up!
Scorpio
Go to church for Easter. You've been
living a life of sin and living on the
edge. Repent now!
Capricorn
Be discrete this weekend about your
nightly accomodations. Your
parents may call at an odd hour, so
be prepared.
Senioritis Hits
Salem Campus
by Jenny Savage
Senioritis is here and is effecting every Senior on campus. However, it is
also a time of reflecting. A time of looking back on the traditions at Salem
Ihat some of us at one time all called stupid. Those traditions are the things
that make Salem so special and unique. It is these traditions that we are all
going to miss.
We will all miss the events that make Salem different from anywhere
®Ise. We will all miss the arguments with friends, the laughter with buddies
®nd the tears with special people. Everyone will look back at Salem and
‘■emember Little Sisters, Convocations, going out, staying in, Christmas and
Tl^anksgiving dinners, homework, papers and projects. We can all remember
*^ost importantly the friends and acquaintances we have made. Everyone has
'’^ade the friends that are beside you 24 hours a day, the one's that support
you, the friends that have a shoulder to cry on, the friends that tell you when
you are being difficult, the friends that wake you up for that 8:00 class and
the friends that will be your friends for the rest of your life.
Seniors should remember all these great things and not take advantage of
the memories. All underclassmen should take Salem for just what it is: a very
Special place. Everyone should "Drain Salem for all she's worth."
Tucker's Corner: frusiraiion
by Anne Tucker
Are you frustrated? Do you wake up in a cold sweat because you dreamed
that you forgot to post the Stall Street Journals ? Do you go to bed on Friday,
and wake up on Monday, after you've already missed your first class? Are
you in Post-Spring Break debt? Do you own a daily planner?
If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you are probably suffering
from an increasingly common ailment known as Anne Tucker
mental/emotional/physical functioning disorder. You know you have it
when neither Calgon, a night at the O Pit, nor Ty Rice can help you. So what
about Mom and Dad? Don't even consider subjecting yourself to that guilt trip.
The best thing to do is to make a list of everything that is bothering you.
Here is a sample...! have ten full suitcases in the hall, and the stuff covering
my bed now resembles Mt. Rushmore. It has been so long since the pile began
that I can't remember which clothes are clean and which are dirty.
Obviously, rather than taking a hygeine risk, all of these articles will have
to be washed especially since I am on my last pair of briefs, which are my
reserve, back of the drawer, emergency pair anyway. I figured if 1 start
washing today I might be done in time for next year's Opening Convocation.
And, the cost for this little expenditure? Let's just say I knew a man who
bought a Chevy pick-up with less quarters than this is going to take.
Money, that's a good one. When I treat myself now, it's to a canned drink
and a piece of Bazooka from the Bookstore. I haven't seen a ten dollar bill in
weeks. The other day I was watching late night "Win, Lose, or Draw" when
I saw a really great commercial. This guy was in a room rolling around in
thousands of green bills. (They were fake, but it was still exciting). The guy,
Mr. Cash, says anyone short of an illegal Italian refugee can get open credit
within hours. There was a catch though. You had to be married and living in
permanent residence (no mobile homes). Can you imagine being married and
broke? Now there's a nightmare.
There's my third topic, ye olde "Love and Romance." Initially I classified
myself as "looking for love in all the wrong places." Then I thought maybe
I'm going about it the wrong way. My friend Erin and I decided to read this
book about "What Men Don't Like About Women." It included everything
from making them feel inadequate to having B.O. But you know what? Who
really cares? I'm not going to sit around buffing my feet and washing in
Woolite my whole life for a person whose prerequisite to meeting them is
reading a novel. Therefore, now I am reclassifying myself as "Not Looking."
And I hope the male population really suffers this time.
I suppose now that I am out of the singles' pool, I will have time to study,
post flyers, type letters, send memos, etc. This is the stuff that life is made
of, ladies. My latest revelation is that being bored is better than being
traumatized. What you need to do is can your social life and give your
parents cardiac arrest by making Dean's List. Or, if you can't live with that,
drop out of school, rent a car and drive to Tiajuana. The most realistic
solution though, is to count your blessings because we all have many. In the
famous words of my Mother,"you don't look like you're dead yet." So relax,
you could have my life.
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