y^eSruary 14,1991
Tucker’s
Corner
You Have To Read
This One To Believe
It!
‘by Anne Tucker
The Salemite
Maybe you've been wondering what I'm up to lately or where I've been. Well,
I'm getting ready to tell you. First, you have to promise not to laugh too hard. Of
course I'm taking classes and doing the SGA thing. But, the irony is that this
^mester, Anne Tucker, poster child for heart and lung disease, is now a down and
dirty ball-brubbing soccer machine. Yes, a regular SCUD missile on the field,
^jrprised?
Perhaps some of you saw me hyperventilating up the hill from the Pit last week.
Or maybe you saw me buckled over gagging in the horse trough on the square. At
that particular moment I began to question my saiuty. Everyone on the whole
tfeam had lapped me at least once. Half of the girls had already eaten, showered,
and gone to Phar-mor before I could crawl to the steps of my dorm. I wasn't
Junking about trim thighs or tight buttocks or even an ideal heart rate. I simply
prayed that I wasn't having cardiac arrest. I'm happy to say that my next couple
of days were much better. No more heaving up lung biscuits or suffering from
foma-like blackouts.
^ More and more I began to realize that it was actually possible for a pork-rib
eating, chain-smoking, on-the-path-to-hardening-of-the-arteries, girl like me to
get her act together. I also have discovered that there really is a muscle (although
quite severely underdeveloped) under those twelve layers of Bojangles grease.
t l'm absolutely thrilled to smell like a cattle farm and look like a PigPen every
ght. I don't even care that I have ruined three of my favorite T-shirts or that there
is mud caked down to my cuticles. Nor does it bother me that those after-dinner
figs don't taste quite so good.
i I am REALLY sore, though. I don't do steps anymore and I've seriously
Considered having handicapped bars installed in our bathroom. So, will I stick
with it; this insane sadomasochistic self-inflicted torture? Of course (knock on
wd).
I feel better now than I've felt in years; like a whole new person. Also, I really
want to give up the cool-jock pullover we just got. My goalie shirt is pretty
"'^'ffy, too.
Now that I've gotten you curious, I hope you will come out and support the
_ >ccer team this spring. If anything, you should come to see an absolute miracle
of science, that is me, running around and kicking balls as if I was an athlete or
teething. If you do make it down one afternoon, be sure to cheer wildly or ine,
^■‘dalltherestof my teammates for that matter. Your encouragement wil r^ e
all my weeks of water blisters, sore buns, and dirty laundry worthwhile. Look for
*^6/111 be the one wearing the oxygen mask.
Taye 11
In order to convince the Feds that their union is valid, Bronte and George concoct
photographic highlights from their bri^ life together. Photo courtesy of Touchstone
Pictures.
Movies, Movies,
Movies
Scdcmitt
by Angie Shotts
The Salemite
The holiday season brings many things with it. Among these are a barage of
movies designed to entice the college student to spend her newly received dough.
Being the sucker that I am, along with the fact I HAVE NO LIFE, I frequented the
movie theater often. Since most of you already know what these movies are about,
I will simply give a brief summary about whether or not they are worth your
precious $5.(X).
Dances with Wolves - This is a film that is far from the ordinary product of
Hollywood. Upon entering, you travel back in time and become completely
engrossed in a story that lasts three hours. Personally, I would never have
believed the movie was that long, except I had to go to the bathroom three times.
Definitely two thumbs up!
Greencard - This was a cute movie, but the ending left much to be desired. I
enjoyed it, but could have waited until it came out on video.
Mermaids - This movie is hard to describe, as anything that has to do with Cher.
I thoroughly enjoyed this flick and highly reconunend it.
Edward Scissorhands - Strange, very strange. But a sweet love story in an odd sort
of way. It is hard to describe whether or not to recommend this movie, it would
depend on if you have a bizarre sense of humor, which I do.
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