Newspapers / Albemarle High School Student … / April 1, 1964, edition 1 / Page 2
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Only Thirty-Six More Years Until 2000 AJ). The Fool Moon Don't Miss KIDDIE KORNER Vol. 00— No. 7 Webb School of Deeper Ignorance April 1, 1964 Purple Hearts Awarded The following were awarded the ASHS Purple Heart Award during seventh period, March 38, for action above and beyond the call of duty: Mr. Hatley cut himself on a test tube. Andy Cook slammed his thumb in a dictionary. Robert Scarboro stabbed himself in the ear with a pencil. Mrs. Gamewell broke her bottom teeth on a chinning bar. Terry Stiller fell down the stairs while ogling Mr. Smith. Poogie Austin ran into a brick wall while trying to escap>e her parents’ grasp. Mr. Webb pulled a muscle while dribbling a golf ball off the first tee. Miss Thompson fell off a step-ladder while trying to read Tony Senter’s calendar. Mrs. Deese shocked herself while plugging in a tape recorder. Mr. Tyson ran into the backboard while demonstrating a lay-up. Mr. Fry choked himself on his belt buckle. Cindy Stone suffered lacerations when she fell out of a car trunk. Steve Almond got frostbite while riding in his convertible with the top down. , Nancy Morton suffered severe hand injuries when she stuck her hand in the mailbox and found a porcupine. Brown Bivens suffered black tongue from licking Full Moon stamps. Charles Lefler committed suicide by swallowing a chess piece. , Judy Hesley is suffering from a severe case of lockjaw. Melvin Burris nearly drowned while washing Miss Misenheim- er’s boards. War Against Nakedness Breaks Out For many thousands of years now, man has ruled the earth with stingy, insulting, and neglecting hands. But toward whom has he been stingy, insulting, and neglecting? Why, the animals of the world, of course! Since Noah climbed aboard the ark which he built, animals have been denied their natural rights to dignity and comfort — they have been denied clothes! How did the animals fall into this pitiful state of shame ful nakedness in which they are now forced to live? It was all due to man's selfish thoughtlessness. When Noah began loading the animals on the ark, he discovered that he hadn’t built the ark big enough to hold the animals and all their baggage. If the animals were going to travel on old Noah’s ark, they were going to have to travel without clothes, regardless of the depths of indignation into which they would plunge. It was all right for Noah and his family to wear clothes, because there was room enough for their clothes. Noah reasoned that since the animals were covered in some way with some sort of protective covering that they had no need for clothes. Woe unto Noah for his judgment! Since that day not an animal has spoken to man. Why? Doubtless they have been either too angry or too embarrassed. After all, what would you say if you were forced to eat dog biscuits while sitting naked on the kitchen floor, looking up at a great dane dog and hearing him say, "Speak!”? From this point of view, one can easily see just how the animals of the world feel. Certainly no one can de ny that the time has come for a restoration of the animals to their former glory, for indeed man is no better than an animal himself. Animals and their friends can, however, take heart in the fact that something is soon going to be done about this serious problem —this flaw in our civilization. A little bird has told this paper that the President is planning a War Against Nakedness—a war which is, for the animals, a cold war in the winter and a hot war in the summer. The President’s plan of attack will be in the form of several bills he plans to put before Congress in April of this year. Bills of interest to animals are an ax cut, which limit the use of axes over the Thanksgiving holidays to chopping wood; medical care for the caged, a bill which will provide free medicine and medical attention for circus animals and all caged animals; a civil rights bill "with teeth’’ (that’s to please the carnivores), which will include a public accommodations clause which will for bid any merchant from telling an animal that he cannot buy clothes in that store simply because there are none that would fit him; a closed circuit TV station for animals (one on which Lassie can bite Timmy); and last, but not least, a bill to provide compulsory clothing of all animals by their owners. This is, however, not a program to be carried out by the government alone. It will take the work and cooperation of every man, woman, child in this country if we are to succeed. Charity groups should forrn to take up collections for clothes and to take donations of clothing from all the citizenry of the country. And let no one forget the spirit of the first martyr for the cause of clothes for animals, the man who was heard to say long ago, “A horse!! A horse!! My kingdom for a horse! ” MEeT the pKerxiorV-f's jO !>|a \/0 ci I 1} Tj A phenomenal obsession has taken over this nation as a result of the musical talents of four young men. Using the approach which is termed Frogpond Sound, the group has created an over night sensation which is rapid ly spreading throughout the world. Their first disc “From It to Them” broke all popularity records as it hit the number one spot in this country, Canada, Costa Rica, Egypt, and their na tive country, the Dutchy of Grand Rudolphendoroff. A year ago the Maggots were making fifteen golden grickels a week in small Rudolphendorffian pubs; now the Maggots, currently on tour in the U. S., are experienc ing a financial success with three records in the Top Ten in this country, plus Maggot Magazines which head the best sellers in their class. The Maggots consist of four young singers and instrumen talists: Billy Tucker, lead guitar (the quiet Maggot); Willy Tri- vette, rhythm guitar (the sexy Maggot; girls have been known to utter “he’s the good lookin’ one’’); David Earnhardt, bass guitar, (the bouncy Maggot); Watcho (Bobsie) Hall, drums, (the Maggot Maggot). The three songs in the Top Ten of this country are “I Want To Hold FOR SALE One slightly used bicycle complete with foam rubber seat, gold-plated bicycle pump, and detachable golf bag. Contact Mr. Wrtb. Your Cute Little Bunny Rabbit Ears,” "Genuflect and Shout,” and "They Love Them.” Most of the songs are written by Willy Tri- vette and David Earnhardt. The Maggots are scheduled for three appearances on Big Bill’s Club House in coming weeks. Their first U. S. album recorded for “Bat” records is scheduled to be released next week. They’re noted for their un usual pudding-basin haircut and it is fast becoming a fad with the younger set. / FOR SALE CHEAP! Large amounts of broken test tubes, flasks, beakers, and other assorted apparatus. For further information, Contact Mr. R. C. Hatley or His Farmer's Mule The Fool Moon Published Annually By Nancy G.’s Reform School Editor EDITORIAL STAFF Alfred E. Newman Staff Members: Happy Herlocker, Twinkle Toes Taylor. Winky Web ster, Sap Sharkey, Ham Hesley, Jolly Johnson, Care less Coley, Loud-Mouth Lowder, Crazy Cornelius, Nifty Nicholds, Hangnail Hatley, Buster Bivens, Sticky Stockton, Beany Butler, Light-Fingered Lisk, Racey Rice, Corny Cook, Edgy Ellis, Fairy Fatkin, Mangy Morton, Gay Gamewell, Mumble Morton, Mishap Morton, Stinky Stone, Twisty Taylor, Vil lain Vanhoy, Willing Williams, Ritzy Rogers. Hic cup Harris. Patsy Perry, Yelling Yow, Kooky Kel ley. Crafty Cook, Sneering Snuggs, Lispy Lefler, Tiny Trxiette. Eager Eury. Crabby Cranford, and Baby Bassow. WZKY 1580 ON RADIO "Homje of Mighty Mouth” SCHOOL SAVINGS & LOAN Located in the Office Deposit your savings in our trusty vault. Our own “Hot Handed Hall’ will watch them diligently. For loans, try our new 52% interest plan which is pasted outside the cafeteria door. FOR SALE ONE TYPEWRITER CfiUi __ MRS. GAMEWELL’S ENGLISH CLASSES WILSON FARM SUPPLY Bring Your Plow In For A 2000-Mile Check Up! ALMOND SUPPLY Yes, folks! Honest Allond has done it again! Pencils, erasers, paper clips, and spit wads are going at ridiculously low prices! Notebook paper has been reduced by 99% and cheat sheets are h«ing reduced by 150%) (mainly because they’re last year’s), and folks—we now have on hand what you’ve all been waiting for . . . madras, monogrammed pencils JUST EXACTLY like the one Robert Scartoro wears!
Albemarle High School Student Newspaper
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April 1, 1964, edition 1
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