i FOOL MOON
What a
Fool Believes
Volume 45 — No. 6
ALBEMARLE SENIOR HIGH NEWSPAPER
April Fool’s Day, 1980
Teachers Captured
in
Student Takeover
On March 15, 1980, the faculty
of Albemarle Senior High School
was taken hostage by student
body terrorists. The leaders of
the militant group were student
body president, David Rush, and
secretary Eddie Snuggs. The two
were better known to the ter
rorists as Ayatoldya Weedgetcha
and Edie Gorme Amean.
The massive takeover began
when the faculty members refus
ed to turn Shaw (the former
biology teacher) over to the ter
rorists. The student radicals
claim that Shaw forced them to
draw blood from their own
fingers and from those of their
comrades, as well as forcing
them to cruelly dismember
helpless amphibians.
During the siege on the high
school, teachers were herded on
to the auditorium stage where
they were stoned with cafeteria
biscuits. While this was taking
place in the auditorium, cafeteria
ladies were being flogged with
their own wieners. Foreign
language teachers were bound
with their own tapes and mer
cilessly forced to conjugate in the
negative interrogative. English
instructors were driven to read
books by William Faulkner. No
cruel torture was left untried by
the terrorists.
The harassments of the
teachers, now in their 17th day of
captivity, have stopped, but there
is no release in sight for the
hostages. A spokesman for the
terrorists claims that orders
from the Ayatoldya state that
there will be no negotiations for
release until the prom convenes
in May.
In an exclusive interview with
the teachers who are now kept
bound and gagged, these
reporters were told, “Mkmph
gork gle stagff shmep!” And it’s
obvious they mean it.
Strangely enough, only one
member of the faculty managed
to escape the militants. When
asked how he had managed to
avoid capture, this teacher sim
ply stated, “Iran.”
School Buses Add
Safety Equipment
There will be some new
changes on the Albemarle City
School buses next year. In addi
tion to the two new wide mirrors,
there will be a Thompson sub
machine gun located directly
under the driver’s seat to take
care of students who refuse to re
main in their seats. Above the
steering wheel will be a chair and
whip for those unruly students
who persist in ignoring the
threats of the bus driver.
A new feature on the outside of
the bus will be a continuously
moving buzz saw passing by each
window to sever any limb and ex
tremity sticking out of the bus.
Also on the outside of each bus
the words “Albemarle City
Schools” will be removed and in
their place “Catch a Ride,
Brother” will be painted.
For those students who refuse
to keep their voices down while
the buses are in motion, a button
will be installed on the dash
secreting tear gas to restore
order. For first offenders the
dose will only cause loss of con
sciousness; however, second of
fenders will receive a lethal dose.
A special new feature in the
upholstery department is the ad
dition of a live cobra, imported
from India, to be placed inside
each seat as a special surprise for
anyone who feeis that he must cut
or tear the seats.
During past years bus drivers
have been at a great disad
vantage. The job of driving the
bus is hard enough, but for the
driver to have his back turned
towards sixty ranting and raving
miniature maniacs has caused an
early retirement for more than
one skilled driver. In an attempt
to overcome this handicap, a six-
inch thick bulletproof glass will
surround the driver at all times to
protect him from any stray shots
or switchblades that miss their
mark.
With all of these new and im-
THE WELL-EQUIPPED
During the recent school takeover two of the student leaders
mistakenly attacked a fellow student who they thought was an
enemy teacher.
Sign Up Nowl!
New Classes Scheduled
For Next Year-
proved features on the school
buses next year, the riders should
be in for safe and exciting trip.
Happy riding!
As the school year is coming to
an end, the faculty of Albemarle
Senior High is presently planning
new classes to be offered next
year. Hopefully, students will
find these courses to be appealing
and well worth their time.
An enter course will be taught
next year for students who wish
to learn how to come into a room
properly. Also included in this
class is how to fake out a teacher
into believing everyone has their
homework.
Another class will be given
teaching young students how to
pass for eighteen or twenty-one,
depending on the student’s
desires. They will experiment
with hair styles, high heels and
Disaster Strikes Albemarle Senior High
Chemistry Lab Blows Up
March 13 started out as an or
dinary day at Albemarle High,
but it ended very abruptly at 2:39
p.m. Daniel Blalock, Albemarle’s
resident chemistry teacher, was
doing some routine acid
alphabetizing when he found
another bottle of picric acid. (A
few weeks ago a bomb squad was
called in from Charlotte to
dispose of two previously found
bottles of the highly explosive
acid.) However, this time Mr.
Blalock chose to dispose of the
acid in his own way. . .
The explosion and ensuing fire
caused more than $172,413.97
worth of damage to the school.
Gern Blankston of the Albemarle
Bomb Squad stated that the acid
exploded with the power of 23
sticks of dynamite, but luckily no
one was killed.
The explosion blew a 33-foot
hole in the wall between Mr.
Blalock’s and Mr. Lentz’s rooms
and completely destroyed the
chemistry lab. However, there
was more than just structure
damage. Mr. Blalock suffered
great personal loss when the
toaster oven under his desk was
smashed by flying science
magazines.
Immediately after the fire was
extinguished, order was resum
ed. Mr. Blalock rinsed with his
listerine and began putting his
equipment back into alpha
betical, chronological order. He
added, “I’m thankful for the ex
tra space.”
fake identification cards.
All English classes will be par
ticipating in field trips, such as
traveling to the Albemarle Drive
In to watch Hugh Hefner’s revi
sion of MacBeth. The film is en
titled, “MacBeth: The Eliza
bethan Gigolo.”
In addition to the field trips, the
English classes will also have a
reading course at the Adult Book
Store. Here they will read various
works of illustrated literature
and view several culture films.
The physical education classes
will also take field trips and be
educated in the art of massage.
Their first trip will be to the
Christmas Tree Massage Parlor
in Charlotte.
For those who indulge in the
arts of laying out of school, skip
ping class, and smoking exotic
plants . . . the bushes are gone!!!
Never fear, a course will be of
fered on how to be invisible and
unseen by the eyes of Flash. More
research is being done on the
techniques to be used with profes
sionals coming from all over the
state to teach this course.
Students who wish to sign up
for one or more of these courses
should apply immediately
because of the great demand for
them. Pick up applications in Ms.
Pollard’s room between 8:00 a.m.
and 3:00 p.m. With all these new
additions to the Senior High, the
year of 1981 will prove to be
memorable for all.
Our action photographer arrived on the explosion sight quick
enough to catch Mr. Blalock still shaken amidst the ruins.
Staff
Box
Slavedriver — Ham Hox
Pitshur Drawer — Kennef Rush-her
Word Korrecters —
Shannie Poo Babes
Gori Thermos
Shtinker Bell
Hall/Street Walkers —
Bed Maybe ‘Amazon’
Sonya Babe
Share-me Robertson
Seat Fillers—
Dave Mouse
Tammy Doright
Funk Howard
Paper Folders—
Christie Sassy
Mitzi Mouse
Moon Rivers
Sleepers —
Lease-a Home
Let-me Williams
Bony Thensome
Pitshur Getter —
Bruno “Moosehead’
Shumake-me
Advisor —
Sandra Pollack