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The full moon. online resource (None) 1924-????, April 01, 1980, Image 1

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i FOOL MOON What a Fool Believes Volume 45 — No. 6 ALBEMARLE SENIOR HIGH NEWSPAPER April Fool’s Day, 1980 Teachers Captured in Student Takeover On March 15, 1980, the faculty of Albemarle Senior High School was taken hostage by student body terrorists. The leaders of the militant group were student body president, David Rush, and secretary Eddie Snuggs. The two were better known to the ter rorists as Ayatoldya Weedgetcha and Edie Gorme Amean. The massive takeover began when the faculty members refus ed to turn Shaw (the former biology teacher) over to the ter rorists. The student radicals claim that Shaw forced them to draw blood from their own fingers and from those of their comrades, as well as forcing them to cruelly dismember helpless amphibians. During the siege on the high school, teachers were herded on to the auditorium stage where they were stoned with cafeteria biscuits. While this was taking place in the auditorium, cafeteria ladies were being flogged with their own wieners. Foreign language teachers were bound with their own tapes and mer cilessly forced to conjugate in the negative interrogative. English instructors were driven to read books by William Faulkner. No cruel torture was left untried by the terrorists. The harassments of the teachers, now in their 17th day of captivity, have stopped, but there is no release in sight for the hostages. A spokesman for the terrorists claims that orders from the Ayatoldya state that there will be no negotiations for release until the prom convenes in May. In an exclusive interview with the teachers who are now kept bound and gagged, these reporters were told, “Mkmph gork gle stagff shmep!” And it’s obvious they mean it. Strangely enough, only one member of the faculty managed to escape the militants. When asked how he had managed to avoid capture, this teacher sim ply stated, “Iran.” School Buses Add Safety Equipment There will be some new changes on the Albemarle City School buses next year. In addi tion to the two new wide mirrors, there will be a Thompson sub machine gun located directly under the driver’s seat to take care of students who refuse to re main in their seats. Above the steering wheel will be a chair and whip for those unruly students who persist in ignoring the threats of the bus driver. A new feature on the outside of the bus will be a continuously moving buzz saw passing by each window to sever any limb and ex tremity sticking out of the bus. Also on the outside of each bus the words “Albemarle City Schools” will be removed and in their place “Catch a Ride, Brother” will be painted. For those students who refuse to keep their voices down while the buses are in motion, a button will be installed on the dash secreting tear gas to restore order. For first offenders the dose will only cause loss of con sciousness; however, second of fenders will receive a lethal dose. A special new feature in the upholstery department is the ad dition of a live cobra, imported from India, to be placed inside each seat as a special surprise for anyone who feeis that he must cut or tear the seats. During past years bus drivers have been at a great disad vantage. The job of driving the bus is hard enough, but for the driver to have his back turned towards sixty ranting and raving miniature maniacs has caused an early retirement for more than one skilled driver. In an attempt to overcome this handicap, a six- inch thick bulletproof glass will surround the driver at all times to protect him from any stray shots or switchblades that miss their mark. With all of these new and im- THE WELL-EQUIPPED During the recent school takeover two of the student leaders mistakenly attacked a fellow student who they thought was an enemy teacher. Sign Up Nowl! New Classes Scheduled For Next Year- proved features on the school buses next year, the riders should be in for safe and exciting trip. Happy riding! As the school year is coming to an end, the faculty of Albemarle Senior High is presently planning new classes to be offered next year. Hopefully, students will find these courses to be appealing and well worth their time. An enter course will be taught next year for students who wish to learn how to come into a room properly. Also included in this class is how to fake out a teacher into believing everyone has their homework. Another class will be given teaching young students how to pass for eighteen or twenty-one, depending on the student’s desires. They will experiment with hair styles, high heels and Disaster Strikes Albemarle Senior High Chemistry Lab Blows Up March 13 started out as an or dinary day at Albemarle High, but it ended very abruptly at 2:39 p.m. Daniel Blalock, Albemarle’s resident chemistry teacher, was doing some routine acid alphabetizing when he found another bottle of picric acid. (A few weeks ago a bomb squad was called in from Charlotte to dispose of two previously found bottles of the highly explosive acid.) However, this time Mr. Blalock chose to dispose of the acid in his own way. . . The explosion and ensuing fire caused more than $172,413.97 worth of damage to the school. Gern Blankston of the Albemarle Bomb Squad stated that the acid exploded with the power of 23 sticks of dynamite, but luckily no one was killed. The explosion blew a 33-foot hole in the wall between Mr. Blalock’s and Mr. Lentz’s rooms and completely destroyed the chemistry lab. However, there was more than just structure damage. Mr. Blalock suffered great personal loss when the toaster oven under his desk was smashed by flying science magazines. Immediately after the fire was extinguished, order was resum ed. Mr. Blalock rinsed with his listerine and began putting his equipment back into alpha betical, chronological order. He added, “I’m thankful for the ex tra space.” fake identification cards. All English classes will be par ticipating in field trips, such as traveling to the Albemarle Drive In to watch Hugh Hefner’s revi sion of MacBeth. The film is en titled, “MacBeth: The Eliza bethan Gigolo.” In addition to the field trips, the English classes will also have a reading course at the Adult Book Store. Here they will read various works of illustrated literature and view several culture films. The physical education classes will also take field trips and be educated in the art of massage. Their first trip will be to the Christmas Tree Massage Parlor in Charlotte. For those who indulge in the arts of laying out of school, skip ping class, and smoking exotic plants . . . the bushes are gone!!! Never fear, a course will be of fered on how to be invisible and unseen by the eyes of Flash. More research is being done on the techniques to be used with profes sionals coming from all over the state to teach this course. Students who wish to sign up for one or more of these courses should apply immediately because of the great demand for them. Pick up applications in Ms. Pollard’s room between 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m. With all these new additions to the Senior High, the year of 1981 will prove to be memorable for all. Our action photographer arrived on the explosion sight quick enough to catch Mr. Blalock still shaken amidst the ruins. Staff Box Slavedriver — Ham Hox Pitshur Drawer — Kennef Rush-her Word Korrecters — Shannie Poo Babes Gori Thermos Shtinker Bell Hall/Street Walkers — Bed Maybe ‘Amazon’ Sonya Babe Share-me Robertson Seat Fillers— Dave Mouse Tammy Doright Funk Howard Paper Folders— Christie Sassy Mitzi Mouse Moon Rivers Sleepers — Lease-a Home Let-me Williams Bony Thensome Pitshur Getter — Bruno “Moosehead’ Shumake-me Advisor — Sandra Pollack

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