Newspapers / Albemarle High School Student … / Dec. 1, 1996, edition 1 / Page 6
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DECEMBER 1996 THE FULL MOON MOONSHINE \ vK {a* - PAGE 6 /■?\C sss EDITOR ; ALLEN FURR Ihe Santa Problem by David Efird December 3, Berlin. For the past 18 months, I have been conducting extensive research in Germany on what the government refers to as THE SANTA PROBLEM. Certain elves were sent in as spies to infiltrate Santa’s North Pole compound, and information was assimilated by the CIA’s top analysts. The result: Santa Claus, a.k.a Father Christmas, a.k.a. Kris Kringle, etc., is considered armed and extremely dangerous by the government. Tiie rumor is that Claus has been assembling nuclear weapons in his elf-labor sweatshops, while perpetuating the myth that he does not exist. Together with the Easier Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, Claus’s elven infantry will be backed by Spamian paratroopers, forming a three-pronged attack. Having incredible speed capabilities on his sleigh, the attack could be launched at any time. In response, Russia has cancelled Christmas. The White House has not released an official sUtement, and Clinton con tinues to deny the rumors. Satellite jAotos show intense activity in the North Pole compound, but some speculate that this is normal Christmas activity. Further bulletins will be given as the situation progresses. Dan Blather, CBS News, Berlin. Bits of Green Cheese A Celebrity Wish-List by Mike Bryan In my spare time, I have a part-time job at malls around the world playing Santa Claus. I have met such famous p>eople as S addam Hussein, the mayor of Finger, Ricki Lake, Y anni and Brent Huneycutt. All of these very greedy people rattled off lisu so long that my ears were tired when they finished. Here are ten of the furmiest items that they asked for; 17. the mayor of Finger - a new John Deere tractor 14. Yanni - a big corncob from Finger 13. Brent - a real television show 11. Saddam - enough nuclear missiles to destroy Stanly County 10. Ricki - lose weight without having to stop eating like a goat 9. Yanni - a new toy to play with 6. Brent - a life 4. the mayor of Finger - to have a city as big as Albemarle to rule over 2. Saddam - destroy the United States and rule the world 1. Ricki - not be so dam ugly by Allen Furr Hello, again to all you Bits of Green Cheese fans. I am pleased to distribute the holiday edition of gossip of AHS. These are a few things we have heard over the last month, but I m sure we left some good stuff out, so consider yourself lucky. If you did something stupid and didn’t make it, consider you are one of the serendipitous students of the school. - What junior guy was caught cheating by an other student but wasn’t punished? - What senior guy got detention for saying obscene Spanish words to Mr. Moran s class? - What junior girl claims she is perfect? - What two sophomore girls stole a sign from Hardee’s while going through the drive thru? - What senior girl was tackled by number sev enty-seven and hasn’t fully recovered? - What World History class takes iheir "battles” to the court? We cannot mention the winner. - What senior girl is confused about how far it is to Mecca from here? - What sophomore girl slipped from the door to the counter at McDonald’s? - What sophomore girl fell in the Food Lion parking lot while imitating a cartoon character? The Third Annual Christmas Special by Mike Bryan and David Efird - What sophomore girl fell off the stage in drama? - What senior girl used her pants instead of a bathroom because she was laughing so hard? Good morning, and welcome to another sea son of the fat jolly guy yelling out your mother’s nickname. We have here what we would like to see on an episode of Vicki Lake during the Christmas season. Vicki: Hi and welcome to the show! Sorry I’m fat and ugly. Crowd: GO VICKI, GO VICKI! Vicki: Today on the show we have Santa, Sad dam Hussein, and Yanni. Have a seat, guys. So Yanni, when is your next CD coming out? Yanni: Well, soon. I’djustlikedtosaythatlam very pleased to be seated next to such fine dicta tors. Those bells really bring out your eyes, Santa. That color is so you, Saddam. Santa: Ho, ho, ho. Saddam: Filthydogs! In my country, you would never get away with such obscene language. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. Vicki: OK, Saddam, I’m sensing a little hostil ity. And I’m sorry, but thermonuclear weapons are not allowed in the studio. (Two heavily armed Mexicans enter and strap Saddam to his chair.) Let’s take a question from the audience. Beautiful Nubian Princess: Alright, I got a question for Santa. How come you see this nice man sitting beside you and all you do is disre spect him? Crowd: YOU GO GIRL! (Applause.) Santa: Ho, ho, ho. Be a good girl and I’ll give you a candy-cane. Beatifuful Nubian Princess: Hey, fat boy, I don’t want your candy! And don’t go disre spectin’ my mama! Crowd: YOU GO GIRL! (Applause.) Saddam: Maggot-infested mangy camels! In my country, we would never tolerate siKh out rage! Put that woman in her place! (Hairy Mexicans come in and escort Saddam through the window.) Vicki: We have a surprise guest wailing back stage for Santa. (Audience applauds.) Say hello to Elmo the Elf! Elmo; Now you’ll get yours, you freakin’ jerk! Fifteen years I work fer you, fifteen years of back-breakin’ labor in your sweat-shop! It’s about freakin’ time the truth be known. Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho. I don’t know what you’re talking about. (Motions offstage lo Mexicans. Mexicans break Elfs kneecaps. Elf screams in pain and Vicki goes lo a commercial.) Commercial: Spam, Spam, in a can. Spam, Spam, I’m a fan. Eat Spam aixl you’re the man! Vicki: Hi, welcome back. We seem to have lost two of our guests. So, Santa, you say that Yanni never called you after your trip to Vegas. Is this true, Yanni? Yanni: Well, he seemed to be having a good time. Now all he does when he sees me is say “Ho. Ho, Ho.” Vicki: We have a caller on hold with a question for you, Yanni. Caller, go ahead. Saddam from a pay-phone: Infidel dogs! You’re slime iwt worthy to lick the sand out of a camel’s hoof. Oh yeah. I have a question for Yanni. What is your phone number? Yanni: 555-0311. Saddam from a pay-phone: Great! I’ll call you later and we’ll make plans. Vicki: That’s all the time we have today. Join us next time when Richard Sinrunons tries to help me lose five hundred jwunds because I’m so fat. Crowd: GO VICKI. GO VICKI! A beautiful Nubian princess asks a question. Latonya Ridenhour thinks about' she Is going to do In World History. fWern/ Christmas and9{appii 1997! 4 z>/) r w THf Ui TOr-'itis Lct'5S^3l't at Uorl j Hiitoi-y. WILL aOIlJES Tn tKc K;il 1 •' • • pill, T'm Wpwi'tKyou / 1 •) J(!>n 'fc tic. (orifJov/ei
Albemarle High School Student Newspaper
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Dec. 1, 1996, edition 1
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