Newspapers / Albemarle High School Student … / Feb. 1, 1997, edition 1 / Page 7
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FEBRUARY 1997 THE FULL MOON PAGE? MOONSHINE EDITOR: ALLEN FURR JNa Brady Trek by Mike Bryan and David Efird We’ve always wondered what would happen if the Brady Bunch and Star Trek were acciden tally broadcast simultaneously. The episode would begin: Here’s the story of a man named Brady, Who was boldly going nowhere on his own, da da da da da, da da da. da da da, da da... “I’ve got ta’ have more brooms!” exclaimed a frustrated Scotty as he noticed the unsightly dust piling up on the bridge. “I just can’t clean this any longer!” No sooner had the words left his mouth, when Marsha Brady beamed in with tears streaming down her cheeks. “Oh, Scotty,” she whined, “whatever can I do?” The Valentine’s dance is in two weeks and I haven’t found a date! ” Handing over Marsha’s lunch, Scottie said, “Aach, lassie! Can’t ya’ see I’m cleanin’?” Now git ya’ ta’ school.” As Marsha ran out crying, Peter Brady entered with a guitar. “Hi Scotty! Mind if I practice in here?” he questioned. “Dad told me that my note sequence is highly illogical and that it hurt his overlarge pointy ears.” “Aach, lad! Can’t a body clean in this ship? I’d help ya’ ta play, but I don’t have the power!” Then, Greg Brady entered with a knowing smile. “Hey...guys. You won’t..believe...what just happened! I...found a date for...Marsha to go to...the...Valentine’s Dance with.” “Not now Greg,” interrupted Scotty, “the dishwasher can’t make the jump to rinse cycle. She’ll fly apart if we run her!” ‘That’s groovy news about Marsha, Greg. So, who’s the lucky guy?” “You won’t believe...it but...I set Marsha...up 'vith...a...Klingon from sector seven.” “Swell!” “More like jwe/tering ya’ mean!” intoned Scotty. “Someone’s put tin foil in the micro- "'ave! She can’t take much more of this!” The door to the bridge slid open and Spock paced in. “My observations on Marsha’s behav ior patterns denote highly illogical results. Re search indicates, however, that human females are more perplexing than males due to hormonal imbalances.” Shocked, Greg and Peter cover their virgin ears and flee the room, humming “This little light of mine. I’m gonna let it shine!” Hopping into their Nova, Peter set the coordinates for the school system. “I hope I get that architecture scholarship to the academy,” Greg reflected. “What about you?” “I’m gonna be a seaman!” ejaculated Peter, much to his brother’s surprise. “But Dad wants both of us to be architects,” argued Greg, “and take over the family busi ness.” Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Marsha was bringing the episode to its usual, cheesy ending. “At first I didn’t like the Klingon be cause of his appearance, but then I realized all that really matters is what’s inside!” Too bad for her, the Klingon turned out to be a serial killer, wanted in five star systems. Oh well, sorry Marsha! Live long and be nifty. Top Ten Valentine's by David Efird and Mike Bryan Hey kids! We know ya’ love 'em, so here’s Another top ten from the Home Office in Big Lick, NC. We hope that no one will make the Same mistakes that we, uh, I mean, our friends •»ade, so we listed the top 10 right here. Julie Burris gets into Brady Trek Gifts ^0. A romantic evening at G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) and diimer at the Eager leaver. Creating a cyborg clone of yourself and •®cidenully leaving the switch set to “kill all living creatures.” Pretending that you’re as much a man as ^'Jpid, the little naked fairy who shoots people behind. Various battery-operated novelty items (you know, a flashlight). 6. Motor oil. 5. Serenading your date with Nine Inch Nails “Closer” over a romantic candlelight dinner (Possibly a good move depending on the situ ation). 4. Motor oil. 3. A free pass to the SAT workshop with Mr. Akins. * , 2. Saying, “I know you are but what am I, every time the conversation turns romantic. 1. Instead of buying your date a gift, ki^ap her at gunpoint, ue her down to the railro^ tracfe, and,justasthetraincomes,unueherandsay, Ha ha, joke’s on you!” WWW: The SclgQ C^nt^nUoS by Mike Bryan, David Efird, and Allen Furr Last month, Lou C. Ferr escaped with the coveted belt while our heroes. Barnyard Brawler and Backwoods Ninja, chased him to his secret hideout in Big Lick. Our heroes finally over took Lou and shot down his gyrocopter with their bows and flaming arrows. Unhurt, Lou emerged from the wreckage and the heroes attacked. “Hey, you the boy who took my watermelons?” “Heh-henh, NO!” After this deep and complex dialogue, the battle com menced. The Barnyard Brawler led with a belly-to-back suplex, but Lou C. Ferr countered with the torture rack. Backwoods Ninja, seeing his compadre in trouble, jumped in with an atomic elbow to the neck. Lou crumpled in pain butwhippedouthishiddencattleprod. SHOCK ING!! Backwoods Ninja was struck first and stumbled backwards into an electric fence and was knocked out. Barnyard Brawler, seeing his comrade in pain, tried to leg-drop onto Lou C. Ferr, but slipped on an empty Cherry Skoal can and was knocked unconscious. Lou C. Ferr grabbed our unconscious heroes and dragged them into his secret Spam Factory. Locking them up, he set a Spam bomb to detonate in six minutes, six seconds. Unbeknowst to Lou, the heroes ate the Spam and the explosion was converted into a monster burp by The Bamyaid Brawler. Lou escaped in his rebuilt, puke- green gyrocopter to his other secret hideout, all the while believing that his arch-enemies had met their demise. Meanwhile, our heroes at the Spam factory bottled the scent of the Barnyard Brawler’s burp, forming a new weapon: N.W.O. (New World Odor). They made several N.W.O. bombs and now were ready to once again confront the evil Lou C. Ferr. Armed and ready, they put the tractor up to ludicrous speed and quickly arrived at Lou’s hideout, a port-a- jon manufacturing company. After dropping the smelly bOmbs, our heroes wiped the floor with Lou and flushed his hideout down the toilet. Victorious, our heroes cruised the coun try in their tractor in search of more Spam. Lou C. Ferr shows his prowess against Brawler and NInJa. I Hate When People Bother Ale! by Allen Furr With the Valentine's season fast aproaching, we seem to get a little ill with little things, like not finding aparking spot at Wal-Mart. I seem to get upset when I go to Wal-Mart to pick up some thing in the sports department and all these people are hustling and bustling in search of the perfect holiday gift. I guess this is considered a pet peeve. I recently asked around for your pet peeves and these are the responses I received. Brent Whitley-Dog d Dogs Jason Smith-Can’t get away from my dad Greg Nahrgang-The rearview Michael Dennis-Feminine men that work at Wendy’s in Charlotte Ber Yang-People who don’t know your birthday Ben Smith and Mark Purvis-People who believe in the demon of Valley Drive Matt Lefler-Jealous people who make fun of the academically inclined Joey Johnson-Girls who act like Alicia Silver- stone in Clueless Kelly Browles-What is a pet peeve? Tammy Dorman-Girls with terrible weaves Katie Ellis-Stupid people Hope Miller-I don’t know Danyel Baily-When people sit on me Jeremy Clarke #77-People making fun of me Alex Lowder-Empty dip cans Latonya Ridenhour-Hyperchondriacs; ugly people who think they are cute Crystal Swaringen-People say things they don’t mean Abbey Kimrey-People who throw gum in your hair get bothersome loser.
Albemarle High School Student Newspaper
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Feb. 1, 1997, edition 1
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