Newspapers / The Caduceus (Charlotte, N.C.) / Oct. 19, 1918, edition 1 / Page 13
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^?Lr: Vi:' ' ! -i ^ I TABASCO ■I. ^ A TALE OF A REAL ONE WHO “WENT WEST.” Tabasco’s pranks kept multiplying, but when he told the daughter of the town magistrate, who was yearning THE CADUCEUS Once upon a time there lived in a hamlet near “mah” home town a kid who was full of the stuff that Sherman said war was, just for the sake of the conditions that may arise we will call him Tabasco. A yearling with, golden hair and a Bessie McCoy twin kle in his eye he was a fine model for Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn. Ta basco had seen twelve summers and as full of life as - fn Tanguay hence the cognomen. , His pater and mater left him early an orphan, his earthly lighthouse being a good grand daddy who played deft flank when Grant took Richmond and who loved the kid like Marie Antoinette loved Prance. lor a mate' that she wodld never wear the official sweet pea boquet unless she learned the Hula.Hula, capped the climax. The , constitution. says that our birth certificates are the same size and shape but from the glard that she gave the kid they were separated by a chasm. wider than the Grand Canyon. Without resorting' to Alge bra you can figure, in that town the lad was licked with nary a huckster to give him a boost. But the golden haired youth was al ways in Dutch with the natives, of t e town, xue Sunday school pilots said he was always cutting up in class and that he said Jonah was an Ar menian and also that the Dead Sea ran through Bastport, Me. Then from other parts of the hamlet came dis quieting reports that at the barbe- que held at Pour Corners last week the kid slipped a portion of that bonny perfume that makes Scotch soldiers the bravest in the world, in the lemonade, and sent a feeling through the festival that was heard around thew orld. In other words the fluid had a kick that raised hell with their tonnage and.when the soiree came to an end the forget-me-not-steeds with their harness tied in knots would be facing Galley West instead of towards Port, and then amidst cries of con sternation and alarm, the yokels liy the light of the silvery moon would label him accordingly: “Borrower of the makings, a bad egg, one ball shark: all things being equal he was to end his days with stripes in the big house at Ossing, and Tabasco hiding behind the trees with a princess of a patch in his pants would giggle and then scoot home humming George Cohan’s masterpiece, “None Of Them’s Got Anything On Me.” But now tile scene, changes by a simple Gilbert and Sullivan process,. Tabasco' is now .IS years old and' wakes up one morning to find the population around the bulletin board scaning the war declaration of the ])resident; in other words the settle ment who had been training on apple pie all their lives was going forth to clash with the Prussian tiger outfit who had been drinking blood tor 50 years. The kid hurries home aiid spreads the dope to grand daddy and after a Tolstoi good-bye marches down the road with his. earthly be longings in a bandana “kerchief,'', looking all the world like Trehtini in The Girl of the Golden West. The natives, spotted him as he sped along: "Look at the bad egg,” said they. “This is the , day. when sozne train will be held up.” “Yes,” said another, “or a house will burn,” but Tabasco just kept hoofing it until he dragged his moaning Cinderralla to a recruit ing station and told them that he was ready to lace the foe. We now find the kid on the west ern front with a Springfield rifle for' his best girl but still grinning and beefing because he couldn’t pick a coupel of Heines while the Townies back home were crabbing because they were forced to loosen for, war stamps. But the bantam , got the chance he was yearning for and one night in . June he was sent into the cauldron of fire to let the super-canni bals know that when they were snub bing Old Glory they were snubbing, him. _ But the-kid was out of luck for a sniper’s bullet had his nam’e and address but he fell with a.gasp, but still smiling. When his, pals rushed to his side they found him with a replica of the tender, meek and lowly man of sorrows pressed to his lips 13 and then he was said to liave mum bled, “Buddies, what a glorious death for God and country,” andswith cheeks as pale as snow and with lips coffee Izrown they transferred him to Mother- Earth., - Back in the hamlet they received the news with great surprire, they had it figured out that the kid had. ran true to form and was leading a bunch of brigands in the wilds of Texas but when they read how he had. helped to make history in .the “Big Jam,”' it was .surprising to' hear how the anvil chorus, belch forth words of praise, to, make it izlainer he was ■ never a deuce,. he was always an ace. In a little rose thatched cottage around the corner, grand daddy heard the quotation from the casualty ex change and with hot tears 'that burn ed, he muttered, "And they said he was a “bad egg, ."why blast them he had the blood of A——Well, kind reader, you know we promised to call him Tabasco. , —By Joe Lawlor. RUFUS RUMINATES. “I’se guain ter. invent a mustach holding attachment for drinking cup.s 'to give to der Kaiser when I go to Ber. lio. “There’s going to be a hot time in Berlin when the Yankees get there, ft will be. so hot that the throne 'will melt right away from under'the kaiser and the crown will melt and run down the Grown Prince’s back.' ' , “Ach, Himmel, the drhft fj-om Amer ica has turned into ' a siclOne. Quick, Maximilian, the screen; if' you want to hold the''job in the Reichstag. “To his bitter disappointment the Prince Maximilian found- that the peace screen proposed to hold the American.s back has • increased their .speed forward, • “Old' Hindenburg when he discov ered that the Yankees, were making it too hot for'Ms , conit'orh'.re.slgned. The same will happs'n to'lhe Hoenzol- lern family, they’ll run clear out of Germany, “Now that Mathewson is in the army It is evident that .b% .games, are going to be played in Berlin next spring.” By LOiIIIS APPLETON. BLAKES AUTO SERVICE We Never Close Cars for all Occasions Our Office is across from Selwyn Hotel 2 Slouth Cliiircli Street Pliones 1177 or 1178 C' I * : t S t -L- 5- ” i'ir ■ > fj f’iisi" lii 1 I ► ■ f- ■; i[. . i'^ii ■; ■' L'-pI f :;-v- uli l l iili'l
The Caduceus (Charlotte, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
Oct. 19, 1918, edition 1
13
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